Divorced in may deeply depressed and full of anxiety

[Hkakbkjk]

Let me start of with an intro I'm a 60 year old Male who is an alcoholic (I quit)suffering with anxiety most of my adult life.My wife of 35 years got up and left me last may my son wont to with me for the last 2 weeks he blocks me.My brother suffered from the same horrible anxiety and we were both on the same high doses of xanax last year he killed himself at 70 years of age because of xanax detox withdrawal shortly after my sister in law died of a broken heart.my daughter lives in Colorado and my ex meanley told me she left the state after graduating college to get away from me I was always good to her my wife and son they just didn't understand anxiety and depression from it I was a functioning person who worked a full career and was a good provider.Now I have no friends left wife chased em away years ago no family left financially wounded from the divorce.and recently thought about swallowing a bottle of xanax I'm in the middle of weaning off and the withdrawals are terrible.I suddenly find myself kicked to the curb and of no use to this world and cant think of a reason to live.thats all I've got signed empty and alone

[Agora1]

Hkakbkjk, I hear you loud and clear that you are experiencing emptiness and loneliness.

You've been through a lot of losses and hurt. I weaned off 30 years of Xanax several years

ago. Yes, the withdrawals are harsh but the feeling once you succeed is so worth it.

Looking back at your accomplishments, I find you to be a strong person who was able to quit

alcohol. Congratulations. You were a good husband, father and provider. There is nothing we can

do that would allow our family/friends to understand our mental health issues. It's just

impossible if they have never experienced it themselves. It's nothing you did wrong. I

don't feel you deserved all that has happened to you. You cannot control the decisions

of others, but you can control in how you accept it.

At 60, you are still young. Feeling like you've been kicked to the curb is depression talking.

It's not the truth. All this may be the end of this journey but can be the start of a new life for you. We all have a reason for being here at this date and time. Your time on this planet

is not over yet. This is your time to find a different "you". With no one holding you back, you can go forward in pursuing things that you wanted in life. Passions that you had and

never fulfilled. There is more than enough reason for you to live.

You found this amazing support site. We will become your virtual family in helping you

take the next step. You can do it. I believe in you. Welcome my friend x

[Hkakbkjk in reply to Agora1]

But I feel so terrible trying to wean off xanax,I'm doing this for me but mostly my kids.I am in a 24 7 contestant state of of worry I am sick all day with stomach problems and diarrhea I can barely take care of myself.I rarely go out I cant make it to the store to get healthy food to eat so the food I do eat is usually through the drive thru.I have one close friend who is also my cousin but I'm wearing him out.he stopped by yesterday and said its getting like an old movie coming to my house because I'm so miserable.my sleep is terrible if I do get any I keep waking up at the end of each cycle in total panic mode.My doctor has decided to help my taper with 600 mgs.of gabapentin 3 times a day and told me it should help with symptoms but I can barely back down to 3.5 milligrams of xanax from the 4 mgs I've been on.I dont know maybe I picked a bad time to try this.Right now I'm all over the map with this post I'm sorry for but its 4 am and I just got awoke by another bad dream and instant panic followed by a trip to the bathroom with another case of diarea.Im just so up set about my situation and having only one person to turn too that I'm terrified of losing.Do you think I should try to stabilize myself before I try to get off xanax because right now I'm a total mess my quality of life is negative ten I cant even watch tv.Please help me.

[Hkakbkjk in reply to Hkakbkjk]

Also I forgot to add I have had social anxiety and anxiety since I was like21 years old that's when I started to self medicate with alcohol for any social situation there was basically nothing social I could do without it.My entire adult life has been consumed with anxiety unless I had a few beers I was a new person when my wife left me I started drinking heavily 12 beers a day so I could function I would start drinking at 11 am some days and have gained 25 pounds of beer gut from it but I could somewhat function.It wasn't until 2 months ago I started having a racing heart and went to the doctor to get checked out (all the time taking xanax and lieing to the doctor about my drinking for fear of loosing my xanax fix)he diagnosed me with very high blood pressure and told me to loose weight and gave me BP meds.They helped and I instantly reduced then quit my alcohol consumption so I'm very much still an alcoholic I've quit a dozen times In the past.ok I realise I'm running on and for fear of no one responding to my desperate pleas for help will stop here.please help me

[Agora1 in reply to Hkakbkjk]

Hkakbkjk, I hear your plea for help. I know what you are feeling. So scared, so lost

not knowing which way to turn. Grabbing on tightly to your cousin, in fear he may leave you or drown with you. It's all a part of the withdrawal process.

I am not a doctor but just another person who like yourself was filled with helpless

fear. I am sharing my experience with you in order to give you hope and perseverance.

My psychiatrist specializes in benzo withdrawal. He used the Dr. Heather Ashton Method of slow and safe withdrawal from Benzos. (It can be found on the Internet)

You MUST be under the guidance of a physician. This method got me off Xanax as

I was switched to Valium (longer lasting benzo) Switched medications and dosages

slow and safely. Even at that, it took me 2 years. It is important to follow the weaning method to a "T". The doses were titrated minimal amounts at a time at

2 week period with every cut of the dose. Slowly and surely I came off both meds.

The results was worth every emotional minute through withdrawal. I now have my life back, my mind is sharp and I thank my doctor for getting me through the most

difficult time of my life. I can't advise you as to what to do. That is between the

patient and the physician. Each one of us is different. I just wanted you to know that it is possible. It happened for me. PM me anytime, I will be here to support

you.

[Hkakbkjk in reply to Agora1]

THANK YOUso much agora1 for the advice on the ashton taper.It so happens I'm on benzobuddies.org a site to help benzo addiction.I was sent a message on dr.ashtons taper schedule and read the whole thing.I like the idea but my doctor hates when I play in his words "dr.google" so I kinda doubt he will go along with giving me 2 benzos at once.His idea was to give me 1800 mgs of gabapentin a day to help with withdrawal symptoms.Which is what I'm on but I printed out the ashton taper and need the courage to go see him to say let's try this.Doctors are under pressure from the government on class 3 meds like painkillers and benzodiazepines so I'm sure he concerned about his livleyhood seeing hes the one that kept writing scripts for me for 25 years from this poison.A new doctor wouldn't get near me with a 10 foot pole instead they would force me on a psychiatrist who would just throw more medicine at me been there done that.So I'm in kinda a canumdrum

[Hkakbkjk in reply to Hkakbkjk]

Also agora in reading the Ashton taper it looks like 6 months why 2 years for you and were you completely miserable and non functioning like me during the whole time?

[Agora1 in reply to Hkakbkjk]

Hkakbkjk, It took me 2 years because I was on Xanax for 30 years.

[Hkakbkjk in reply to Hkakbkjk]

Just when I had a little hope cause the afternoon and evening went well I had a terrible nights sleep and woke up feeling like I'm going to die these withdrawals from just 0.50 less xanax or the gabapentin or whatever is going on inside me are brutal I wish I could sleep through just 1 night without waking up and craving a benzo fix.Its very frustrating

[Hkakbkjk in reply to Hkakbkjk]

Btw I read some of your old posts and now see you have been where I'm at are you anxiety free therapy free agoraphobia free now? the posts were 3 years old

[Agora1 in reply to Hkakbkjk]

Hkakbkjk, I noticed that you looked back at my old posts. I found it hard to believe

I was there at one time. I've come a long way. Anxiety free because I no longer fear it. Therapy free, except for touching base every so often and definitely Agoraphobia free. I found myself once more

[Agora1 in reply to Hkakbkjk]

I was on benzobuddies at the beginning. Great group of people. Even in the short

time that I was weaned off Xanax, you are right in that it's become a taboo drug by

many doctors. At one time, I was on Darvocette 100 for my numerous monthly migraines until that was taken off the market. And so the doctors find different

meds, different ways to address the issues. If you believe in your doctor, follow

his direction. He knows what is best for you according to your health history.

[gerg]

The trials of life are a mystery. I know that this may sound strange, but sometimes these events are what pulls us out of the rut and provides us the life that we never had. We are never too old to make change and alter our character. Your past does not determine your future. Use what you have learned to lead you to contentment and serenity.

I have worked to accept the negative experiences in my life as being gifts to make me the better person that I have become. I choose how I view the events of my life, and I now choose to view them in a way that serves me.

[Hkakbkjk in reply to gerg]

Thank you Greg could you please read my response to agora 1s response I'm really in trouble

[gerg in reply to Hkakbkjk]

I too self medicated with alcohol. My life was a paradox, I had so much but I hated myself and my life. Anxiety drove me to my bottom, but I knew nothing about anxiety. Hitting bottom was my key to getting help. I had to give up my lifelong fight and accept change. I had to change or die.

I needed to be sober to address my issues, I have not touched a drop in 6 years and 10 months. My mental health issues had left me emotionally ignorant, I had the emotional maturity of a person 40 years younger than me. I was way past an acceptable bottom, I was in hell. At my new beginning every ounce of change was more painful than I thought that I could endure, but the relief over powered the pain. I was moving forward, but I had to pay my debt for damage that I had done. I accepted it all and I found that I had the strength to work my way through my problems.

I now live a life that I never thought was possible. Not everything is roses, but that is how real life works. I need some bad in my life so that I can have the good, I just no longer linger in the bad. I have found a second chance later in my life, I do not regret my past and I focus on the now. Right now, my world is exactly as it is meant to be.

I tell you these things to let you know that you are not alone. I know how confused you are, and I understand your desires for things to be better. The path to what you want is there, but the one direction that I can give you is to always “Do the next right thing”. Whatever that is, do it and don’t look back. Then do the next right thing...

I was 50 years old when I first started feeling like a man. I had done a lot, but my life was seen through the mind of a boy. Anxiety blocked my mental development and I hate it for what it put me through. Change was my goal and I now have a good and happy life. I know that you can find the change that you need too.

[Hkakbkjk in reply to gerg]

Did you use anxiety meds along the road and were you a slave to them gerg?

[gerg in reply to Hkakbkjk]

I did not begin treatment for anxiety until after I hit bottom. I then had some great professionals in my struggles and my medications were well thought out. Currently I only take one medication for anxiety, I take it at bedtime to calm my thoughts down. I do take some daytime meds for mood stabilization, but nothing that has a hold on me.

I think that you may be surprised if you tried a different doctor. They are there to help, not hinder. The key to all of this is honesty. Starting with being absolutely honest with yourself. Don’t try to BS the doctors or anyone that has been through this, it won’t work.

[Hkakbkjk in reply to gerg]

What did your doctor give you for sleep and mood stabilizers

Anything that messes with the gaba receptors?sleep is one of my biggest problems

Among others but lack of sleep from so much worry is killing me

[Hkakbkjk in reply to gerg]

I'm so happy I made it a week under 4 mgs of xanax and another trying day without alcohol.Im now at 3.5 mgs.a day my doctor originally cut me back to 3 which was horrible after reading about the ashton taper I increased it to 3.5 a day I have no idea if it's in my head or taking an extra half a milagram made things a little more tolerable. To battle my anxiety and agoraphobia when I was stressed to the max today I forced myself out of the house drove by my old football hangout and got a haircut then got a decent meal which I haven't had for a week.The day is not over but so far I'm somewhat happy with myself the big challenge is always at night with my nocturnal panic attacks which I really think are just withdrawal symptoms of xanax.Ill see I'm not putting my Hope's too high it took me 35 years of steady xanax use to get this bad I'm sure it wont happen overnight there will be more pain to come.Thank god for this site and the people on it that understand me no one else can relate.

[gerg in reply to Hkakbkjk]

I am happy to hear that you are doing so well. To answer your earlier question, I take 25mg of Quetiapine at bedtime. My anxiety kept me awake for hours all of my life. That was a big reason to self medicate with alcohol. Now I fall asleep like a normal person, I go through the day without the fatigue that used to bring me down. Good sleep is key to a good life, and while alcohol helped me fall asleep it didn’t provide good sleep.

Good night to all...

[Agora1 in reply to gerg]

gerg, I agree with everything you say. Your words are wise and can only come

from someone who has traveled down that bumpy road of anxiety. My best to you. x

[Hkakbkjk in reply to gerg]

I think I have instantly found 2 new people I think I trust from the get go.between you and agora 1 it seems you have been in my shoes before.And your battles have been fought and you both seem to have won.It gives me new hope that my life isn't over and there is life after alcohol and benzos thank you so much for sharing!!!!!!!!!!!

[Agora1 in reply to Hkakbkjk]

Hkakbkjk, I appreciate your sentiments but don't cut your ties to the forum.

It takes more than 2 people to get us through. It takes a village. There are many

people on this site with issues such as yours. Hearing the success stories is just

a reassurance that it can be done. Listening and learning from others in your position right now can teach you new methods of coping. The feeling of not being

alone. There is support in numbers.

Not a day goes by that I don't learn from what I read on this site. This forum is a

eye opening learning experience for all of us, no matter what stage we are in.

I know and I understand how scary and difficult it is for you right now, but so do

the others who are struggling as well. We are all here for each other. x

[tots61]

I know how you feel. I lost my job and felt like my life was over. The new year is looking up starting new job this week thinking positive really helps two months ago I just wanted to die. Take all of the negativity and throw it out the door. It's hard I know things will get better. God bless and be strong. I know it's hard I was there.

[AZ1970]

I hope you find some light to hold on to. You sound like you are grieving the loss of your family. Perhaps you are stuck in depression. I have never been addicted to Xanax. When I was in the hospital I met people who were coming off of it. They often slept a lot and had mood swings. I would follow your doctor's advice for coming off of it.

I was married to a man with multiple addictions. I can tell you that once I got the courage to leave, I had so much pent up anger that I was not able to express during the marriage. I understand how women become vengeful (not that its right). I did not do this to my ex, but just the consequences of his actions were painful for me to watch. I had been the strong on in the relationship and he had no idea how to manage his life. Gerg has some wise words for you. You can find healing. Isolation is dangerous and it sounds as if your friend is getting burned out. Can you start going to AA meetings? That would give you something to do everyday. You don't even need to talk. Just listen and soak up the stories. I attend a 12 step group for Adult Children of Alcoholics and it has helped me in my mental health recovery so much. As much as I wanted to remain in a victim mentality for my past, I ultimately am responsible for my life and my wellness. Life will not line up to suit me.

Forgive me if these words sound harsh. They are not meant to be. They come from love and support and what I have learned along the way. You still have time to create a life for yourself. Go out and explore!

[Hkakbkjk in reply to AZ1970]

Well they were a little harsh but somewhat kind coming from a victim.So you really dont have a clue what benzo addiction is.Just for the record I thought I was a pretty good dad kept a full time job with the same company for 40 years.Did all the dad stuff Cubs scouts girl scouts sports activities taking the kids to Florida almost every winter I could.taking my wife to grand Cayman Vegas or wherever she wanted.putting both my kids through college.She was a stay at home mom so it was all on me.moved my girl out of state bought her a new car.ok enough of the past. But all along this journey xanax and alcohol kinda ran my life not as much the alcohol at first but later most definitely after the stress of work putting kids through college got to me.but I'm not blaming anyone but me it was my choice to drink and take the little blue pill that doctors would throw at me like candy at that time not knowing they would ruin my life.It wasn't until 2015 after the kids were long on there own that the shit hit the fan.The doctor (same one for25 years)upper my xanax from to 4 mgs.from 3 because they weren't working anymore and yes I was drinking but not to excess.I suddenly began having sleep problems night time panic attacks and panic in general it worsened over the last 3 years to the point I could barely function I would go on and off of alcohol several times over this period.I was addicted to xanax and it ran a runs and ruined my life.My wife left thought I hit bottom but still haven't in trying to fix what's left of my life I went to my md and said I want out.So we started a taper program not knowing it would take 6 months of hell to complete and that's where I'm at now in hell withdrawing with no support.thank you but I feel like I'm dying

[Waiting4themoon]

Hi, Hkakbkjk, I wanted to let you know that I have read through your posts and the replies. I have never been on any medication but I do know the feeling of loneliness and not having anyone around who understands you. I do know the feeling of dependency. It can be very difficult when trying to wean oneself off that dependency and there isn't really anything to replace it with. What we might seek is a person to hold our hand throughout the process and let us know that however we are feeling we will get through it. Unfortunately this is unlikely to happen. We are essentially alone in our struggle. This is always the case.

Having said all that, this site is amazing. Those who have responded feel love for you and care deeply about you through a shared sense of experience. You are loved. You have every right to love yourself and to feel worthy. Your life's struggle and all the good things you have done for your family in spite of your struggle is amazing. But, putting all that aside, you, just for who you are, are worthy, beautiful and wonderful. There is a part of you that is cheering you on, encouraging you to keep going. It is saying "don't give up, I love you". It is saying "you are precious, you have much to give the world".

I say all this without being able to relate to what must be a very, very difficult struggle. It is the truth though. You are deserving of love, goodness and only all the best. Maybe try closing your eyes and say to yourself "I love myself" as many times as you feel happy with. Say, "I am deserving of love" and things like that. They are the truth. You will be voicing the unconscious thoughts of your deeper self that can get easily drowned out by the noise of anxiety and depression.

I don't know whether what I am saying is appropriate or correct but I wanted to write you something.

With love,

[Hkakbkjk in reply to Waiting4themoon]

THANK YOU so much for your kind words they were uplifting

[dons430]

Dude, i have been in your shoes, well at least one of them. I didn’t get hooked on the benzos. May I suggest you check in to a 28 day treatment inpatient treatment program. There is a good one in Canton SD, Keystone. I took my cue from AA, I will go to any length to get sane again. The only way you are going to fix your relationship with your family is to fix you. I suggest you start the restoration journey by attending an AA or NA meeting and find some one there that understands your plight. I can tell you this from personal experience from a 63 year old male (me), that if you don’t think help from a higher power can help you, then this is about as good as it will get for you. I am sorry to say the brokenness you are experiencing can not be fixed with meds/off meds. Trust me, at 52 I had nothing...i at least now have a roof over my head, a job and slowly gaining back the respect of my family. I actually had the ex and the kids invite for Christmas dinner. I have been visited by all three ghost...it sounds like they are showing up at your door. Wake up and get help before you break more hearts. Godspeed my friend!!!

[Hkakbkjk in reply to dons430]

That was pretty harsh dude,the alcohol isn't the problem I've been sober again maybe only 2 months but I'm just trying to rid my life of my 35 year benzo addiction and I dont think there

is a facility or insurance plan that would keep me inpatient for the minimum 6 month weaning time.

[anonymous-one]

Have you tried listening to self-hypnosis CDs at night to help get to sleep? They do work. At least they did when I went through my most stressful times in my life. I've had a lifetime of traumas. It seems like every moment of my life was sadness and/or abuse. I've got severe PTSD and have had it all my life. Klonopin seemed like the only med over the last 30 years. I was fooling myself. I really needed it to work for me. I spent 24 years in an abusive relationship with a paranoid schizophrenic. He made me feel like everything was my fault. I finally divorced him after he attacked his female boss at his job. He went back and tried to strangle her. I was warned by the police to find a safe place with a friend. And I did just that. I went to DVIS filed for a protective order and divorced him. After my divorce, I went through such a messed up state of mind. My son was caught in the middle. Yet, I felt like I was in a very lonely place for 18 months. Then I got into a bad re-bound relationship for 6 months. I thought dating sites would help the loneliness. But it didn't.

And I don't mean to sound preachy, I'm not a church person. But, I did turn to a church in my city that happened to have a grief group for newly single adults. They also had a weekend packed program for singles. It helped me face the truth and get to the heart of the matter. I went further and joined their singles church group. I went to their Friday night dances and some of their other activities like white water rafting. All I can say about what happened in my journey into being single after so many years...is be your best friend and find a new platonic, non-drinking group of people to hang out with. Sorry if this sounds like lecturing. Anyway, I'm still trying to come to terms with that awful benzo grip on me. I thought, I'd throw a few ideas out there that may help.

[Hkakbkjk in reply to anonymous-one]

I've been up all night I cant stop the racing thoughts I woke up to take a xanax that did nothing my brain wont turn off even though I gave up on xanax taper and gabapentin last night I'm ready to put a fucking 38 to my head just to sleep forever no sleep 4 days.help me

[anonymous-one]

I'm very familiar with racing thoughts.

TRIGGER...I had them 24/7 after I was in a very bad car accident in 89. I was hit "head-on" at 65mph by a stupid 16 year old. The bolt holding my seat snapped and it projected me into the rear-view mirror. The mirror was actually embedded in my head with the paramedics arrived. I had to be cut out of my car with the "jaws of life." I had a "full blown" out of body sensation. I thought I was outside of my car looking at what going on.

Meanwhile, I kept praying and saying (to myself) that I did not want to die and I needed to stay alive to raise my son. Then I looked at my hands covered in blood and was in shock that it was really MY blood. That night I was take to the VA ER. The doctor told me that I had a fractured skull as the young intern scrubbed the shards of glass for my bloody scalp. I got 30 stitches in my head that night. And that very night happened 2 nights before Christmas. My son was only 5 years old. And the VA intern didn't even tell my son to wait in the waiting room. My little son watched all the events happen before his eyes.

My point being...I absolutely know about racing thoughts and how much they can affect you. Many a night I would wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. There were nights when I convinced myself that I could just start counting down numbers to get to sleep. It didn't work. That's why I mentioned the self hypnosis. It's like an inner journey. If you make it a habit of listening to this mellow YouTube presentation every night, it will help you.

I know you're in a bad place right now. But, remind yourself that it's only temporary. And that things will change. Just give this suggestions a try, within the first 10 mins you should feel more relaxed. The video is 90 mins. But you should be asleep before the end of it.

youtu.be/_xzjWPSPTq8(Not working as expected?)

Don't resort to the worse, please hang in there. People in these online groups are real people. We're here to support you and help you get through the rough times. Just hang in there, please...

[Hkakbkjk in reply to anonymous-one]

I hate to trade horror stories but I'll make it short hit by a semi face went through the windshield 50 face stitches still have scars 6 broken ribs concussion cut out of my truck unconscious 2 damaged vertebra missed 1 year of work addicted to pain pills others died in the wreck In 2008.can you have PTSD 10 years later?

[CTRPLR2BTRFY]

I don’t have much to offer other than what’s already been said.

I weaned off of Klonopin several years ago after depending on it for a couple of years. I know physically what it feels like.

If you don’t feel like the plan your doctor has you on is working, get a second opinion.

Definitely try to find a group of like-minded people and make some new friends. Don’t underestimate the power of people to help you feel better and offer support.

In terms of sleeping, I like drinking chamomile and lavender tea with some magnesium citrate before bed. I also use progressive relaxation and deep breathing to help my body register calm. If I really can’t sleep, I’ll put on a funny tv show on my phone and watch that for awhile. Ditto for insomnia in the middle of the night.

Know you’re not alone - many of us have gone through or are going through similar things. We’re here for you.

Finally, if you are truly not sleeping for days or have suicidal thoughts, go to your local emergency department.

Best wishes

[Hkakbkjk]

Well yesterday was one of my worst days I was on the couch alone all day I gave up on my taper plan and threw away the gabapentin away I think it was making things worse it worked for like a week then all it seemed to do was agitate me and give me diarrhea.So l maybe got 4 hours of sleep but still everytime I wake up I'm very ill went to bed at 11 feeling ok woke up in dream state very I'll not really panic just sick rinse repeat 2 more times got up at 8 at least the diarea went away I think my doctors idea with gabapentin was a failure.So I've given up on weaning for now until I have a new plan I'm so frustrated.