I haven't been on here in a while, but here is a little update. Last Tuesday, I went to see a psychotherapist. She immediately recommended I go into a partial hospitalization program. I was very hesitant because I could not afford the program itself nor losing the work hours. My therapist made a very good point, though, that it is better for me to be alive to dig myself out of a financial hole than the alternative. I have done 2 days of the program and am doing good at taking my new meds every day. I just got a new one today that is a mood stabilizer. My psychiatrist said I may have a type of bipolar disorder where I feel both hypomania and depression at the same time. That is a little scary, but at the same time I am relieved that someone recognizes that it may be more than just depression and anxiety. Group therapy has been really hard because I am not comfortable to talk to anyone yet and my anxiety is so bad. I am hoping this gets better as time goes on. Concentration is another issue I have. During group, I can't focus on what the therapist is saying fully so I tend to fall asleep. I have sleep issues too but it is so embarrassing.
Life at home has been a little difficult. I feel like I am putting too much on my boyfriend. I feel like my mental health has taken over so much that he is left with everything like cleaning. Also, I have been less romantic with him because I am always thinking about this stuff and working so I am never in the mood. I don't mean to do it, but I do and I feel bad. He does so much for me and I don't want to be a burden. Another thing I am having trouble doing is balancing this program, work, and with life. I need the money, so I am working after the program, but the program is mentally exhausting and I have found going to work afterwards sucks. Two of the medications I have to take make me sleepy and I am not supposed to take them and drive. I don't get home from work until 11:30pm/12am so I take them late and it makes it so hard to wake up at 7am.
I so badly do not want to keep going to this program but that is just my anxiety talking. I know that I need it.