Out of Sight, Out of Mind

[Downandout123]

Hi all,

Has anyone had success applying this to your life? It's like the more I try to stay focused on something else, the more this person pops back into my mind. I try to stay busy, but still-in all my busyness, the thoughts are still there.

[Hidden]

Sadly does not work. The only way to get someone out of your mind is to end your mind. I wish I was dead without dying just so that i didn't carry the pain of losing my kids. Wish you well. Asides from being dead, it only goes away when i sleep.

[Downandout123 in reply to Hidden]

Hambo,

Thank you for your response.I went back to read your posts. I wasn't sure what you meant when you said you "lost" your kids. I am so sorry. Do you still get to see them at all? Visitation rights?

[Hidden in reply to Downandout123]

I saw them briefly today. It breaks my heart. I feel like a useless dad as I can't be there with them as I don;t have the energy I used to before my nervous breakdown. My ex-wife doesn't trust me, and rightly so. I can;t even trust myself. The pain of staying alive is hard. How can I love my kids if I don't love myself?

[Downandout123 in reply to Hidden]

I assume you are going to therapy? How old are your children?

[Hidden in reply to Downandout123]

7,6,3. Not doing therapy. It seems so futile. Paying a therapist for me to discuss how miserable I am? It will be the first christmas without them, but rather than spend it alone I am volunteering at a homeless shelter. I need something to get me out of the house. I skype the kids every sunday and tuesday. Health visitors have said I am not to be left alone with them for obvious reasons, I just wish I could be around forever to tell them about life and all that but I am severely depressed all I can do is try to get through each day with the highlight os epaking or skyping them on the phone. I'm terrified and aware of my own mortality now and worried of when tomorrow never comes.

[Downandout123 in reply to Hidden]

Oh boy. That's tough not having insurance coverage for a therapist. I don't either, and it totally sucks! I think it's a great idea that you are volunteering this year, but do you have any family you can spend it with after that? Parents, brothers, sisters?

[Hidden in reply to Downandout123]

I do have family still, though I don't get to well with them. WHich is my depression. I'm no fun to be around tbh and it adds to the pain of suicidal feelings to see them in person. I may go stay with my elderly parents for a few days after christmas. I'm moving home on 20th as well. That is adding extra stress as having to clear through the garage of old "family' stuff and dropping things round to my ex-wife. It's real hard.

[Downandout123 in reply to Hidden]

Is there really no chance of reconciliation? Did you try real hard to either get free or low cost insurance for yourself? It seems like it's a must. Are you in the UK or U.S?

[Hidden in reply to Downandout123]

There's definitely no reconciliation Due to the psychological abuse I have put her under. Plus I can't get insurance as I was hospitalised in June this year so no one will insure me as I'm too high a suicide risk atm.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

'm in UK btw.

[Downandout123 in reply to Hidden]

I don't know what to say. ☹ I am very sorry for all you are going through.

[Hidden in reply to Downandout123]

Thanks, it's like in alcohol recovery, One day at a time, it's hard to dump stuff in the trash or take kids toys to the charity shop

[Downandout123 in reply to Hidden]

Can't you just give the toys to their mom?

[AZ1970]

Perhaps you need to grieve? The last stage is acceptance. It seems as if your brain has not yet accepted what has happened? I know it’s uncomfortable, but can you set aside 30 minutes and let those thoughts come up, feel them and then watch how your body winds back down? I have found recently that the feelings are not as bad as I think they will be. I may sob and punch my pillow for a few minutes. But then my body is done and the energy is out of my system.

[Downandout123 in reply to AZ1970]

My body doesn't wind back down. It's just constant thoughts. Every day.They come into my head whether I want them to or not.

[AZ1970 in reply to Downandout123]

I have had an episode like that. I found out that I was hypomanic. It was racing thoughts. The way I described it was like a hamster on a wheel. It never stopped running in the background. A mood stabilizer settled it down. I hope you find a solution soon.

[Downandout123 in reply to AZ1970]

Thank you!