Am I crazy?

[Usedup]

My husband and I have been together for 27 years. Out of that time he has worked maybe 5 years. It's been almost nine years since his last job.I am no longer in love with him but we are best friends. I have committed to stay with him because he has no where to go and I can't stand the thought of him being homeless. I do get very angry when he questions me about what I spend money on. I start to question does he really love me or is he just using me. He does do things around the house. It's almost like we have switched roles. I just want him to help financially. We are getting older and I do have health problems. Some days it's all I can do to get out of bed and go to work, but if I don't then we will both be homeless. Any thoughts on how to get over the anger and disappointment. Again for me leaving is not an option.

[2tired2beme]

Is there a reason he isn’t working? Can he work from home? If he physically, mentally , cognitively can earn some income, he should....or at least he should be trying. Can you talk with him about it?

You are kind to think about him not living on the street , but he needs to contribute!

[Usedup in reply to 2tired2beme]

He is 63 and doesn't have much work history to speak of. So no one would hire him (his words) He has no knowledge of computers etc.. so working from home is out of the question. I tried to talk to him about it a couple of years ago and all he had to say was there are other ways to show your love for someone. I just want a little help. I don't expect him to support us but at this point I will be working until the day I die. I have no hope for retirement.

[fauxartist in reply to Usedup]

I got a job at 60 working in a call center ....they don't care what you look like, how old you are, as long as you can sit and answer calls. So there are jobs at temp agency's for older people, you just have to apply.

[jeff0127]

To answer your question from my perspective, no I don’t think you’re crazy, I think it’s a human reaction to an unpleasant situation. As for advice, there’s definitely someone that would hire him. I see a lot of older people working at places like Lowe’s or Hime Depot or anything like that. It may not add much but like you said even a little bit would help. I applaud you for hanging in there for him that’s an amazing act of kindness.

[Usedup in reply to jeff0127]

Thank you Jeff0127 for the kind words. I have to admit hanging in there is being a bit selfish too. I couldn't live with myself knowing I gave up on him. I will try to make suggestions like Home Depot or Lowe's. It might not be much but at least it will show me He cares enough to try.

[RiderontheStorm]

Two things come to mind. One I am trying to get my head around over my own relationship anxiety. My Therapist told me this week me that living a life motivated from both fear and guilt will not have a good outcome, for anyone. "At some point you just have to let go of what you thought should happen and live in the what is happening"

[Usedup in reply to RiderontheStorm]

What you say makes sense in my mind. After 27 years there may be some fear of being alone. The guilt is the worse part though. When I do think about leaving the guilt of what might happen to him is overwhelming . How do you get past that? This is partly my fault. I have allowed it to be this way for this long.

[RiderontheStorm in reply to Usedup]

OMG. I can put my name on your last statement. Making someone else happy has nearly ruined me and taken my health. It's my own fault. Fear and guilt. We all fear being alone. Life goes on with or without that person for both parties. Now With age I can't un ring the bell and go back and get those years returned to do over again. I can ONLY adapt, improvise and move forward. We can't FIX other people.

[Usedup in reply to RiderontheStorm]

I just don't know what to do. I know I can't fix him. To be completely honest I have such bad feelings about it all that I would like nothing more than for him to get on his feet and on his way. I just don't think I have the courage to leave knowing he has nothing. I know it sounds arrogant but without me he will have nothing and I don't know how to get past the guilt. If I had only done something 10 or 20 years ago. How did you get past your guilt and move forward?

[RiderontheStorm in reply to Usedup]

With a therapist and at 60 years old my time is ticking down and very precious now. Not that many good years left to dally or recover from regretful moves.

[Usedup in reply to RiderontheStorm]

I don't have a therapist but I am 57. One thing I keep thinking is why bother at this point. Just trying to make the best of each day and try not to think about the problems.

[Hidden]

He can get some training in a skill. A lot of time has passed but it is still not too late. There must be something else going on. I can not believe he is using you; I do believe there is something going on with him that he has not been able to share with you. I commend you on staying with him. Hoping and praying for the best for you and your husband.

[Usedup in reply to Hidden]

I think there is definitely something going on with him. I'm not sure if it is a self-esteem issue or something else. Any suggestions on how to get him to talk to me? Or even talk to someone else. If I could just understand.

[Hidden in reply to Usedup]

I do not know. I am sure you have tried to talk to him over the years. You can try again, tell him it just does not make sense that he has not worked for so many years. You need him to open up to you, to trust you with what is happening with him. It has to be more than no one will hire him because he could have gotten training in something over the years. Maybe suggest that the two of you go to counseling together.

Or you can try an intervention with people you trust and who you know loves you and your husband to see if he will open up. I really am at a loss on what to suggest.

[Usedup in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for the suggestions. Counciling is out if the question. He has said in the past that paying someone to listen to your problems is a waste of money. I have thought about talking to his (our) daughter. We had his and hers girls when we married. She is a wonderful person and I know she would understand. Maybe she or her and I could talk to him. My only problem is I am sure she already has a low opinion of the situation. I don't want to be the reason she thinks less of him. And yes I know that sound ridiculous.

[Hidden in reply to Usedup]

I am sure you will find a way to handle it. Give further thought about the daughter and you speaking with him. It may help instead of hurt her opinion of him.