Should I even think about having kids when I have anxiety and depression?

[Heruga]

Well I'm getting married next year in August and my soon to be wife wants kids before she turns 30 which means our first child would be born in 3 years. I would be 27 by then she would be 29. Convincing her to delay it is not an option so please don't mention that. While the thought of having an additional family member is very exciting, at the same time I am worried how I will deal with my anxiety and depression in front of my kids. Kids look up to their parents so you always have to look reliable and not look like depression is overwhelming you. Sometimes when I go out, I will get panic attacks and faint, and then throw up as soon as I regain consciousness. I avoid going to far places a lot due to stomach issues and my severe fear of having accidents in public which has happened. I also resent going to crowded places but what if the kids wants to go to an amusement park on a saturday. I do like going out to outdoor recreations and gardens though. Also having kids itself is a stressful deal due to financial reasons and giving up part of your freedom, which I am aware this is what it takes to be a parent but I am not sure how I can deal with that. Does anyone have anxiety or depression problems and have kids? How do you deal with it?

[Eowyn7]

I don't have kids but I am married and the same age as you. I have this debate myself at times. On the one hand, you can never be 100% ready for kids, it is always a leap of faith and trying to learn as you go. On the other hand, you shouldn't do it just because of a time crunch or trying to please someone else. If you really do want kids but are struggling with the mental health issues, maybe you should go to therapy and explain what you would like to improve before taking that step. You could make it your long term goal to go out in crowds without getting sick, for example. And maybe if that gets better you will be more ready to think about kids and it will be easier to make up your mind.

[Heruga in reply to Eowyn7]

I actually am in a time crunch and only doing it because she doesn't want kids after 30 thinking her fertility rates will get much lower after 30. Her mom had fertility issues so she is afraid she might as well. Unfortunately talking about it to her is a waste of time. I've talked to her about this plenty of times already. So I have been debating whether or not to go to therapy but seems like I really have to go huh. I was hesitating because I am trying to save up for the wedding but if I start going to therapy it'll just be that much harder to save. Also, is it mental health therapy that I need to go or a psychologist? I was recently taken off zoloft by my psychologist after 6 years of taking it because my anxiety is pretty much non existent as of now but they can always come back.

[Eowyn7 in reply to Heruga]

Your mental health should come first, way before wedding expenses. I hope your fiance would understand that. Engagement is a stressful time for both of you. If kids is a deal breaker for her and you truly don't want them, you should probably take a step back from the relationship. You don't want to wake up in 5 years resenting your wife and baby and end up divorced because she pressured you. I'm sure (even with as much as she wants kids) she doesn't want that either. You just have to think long term about what YOU want and be really firm with her about your feelings.

[jeff0127]

I do have kids, two, and I have on and off depression and anxiety, right now it's on. Having kids for me wasn't stressful at all, but I sometimes think saying that isn't fair, because it seems that my kids have been so easy compared to almost everyone else I talk too. One thing I do know, even if they see me cry, be upset, mad, or whatever, they still love me. I can't imagine a love that's stronger than a kids love for their mom and dad. I don't put my issues on them at all, so they don't really know anything about my depression, but even if they did, I know they'd be understanding and probably make them a better, stronger person. It is a tough decision and one many people possibly take too lightly, but if you strongly one way or the other, I would stick to that, it's not often those strong feelings change with time or circumstance.

[Heruga in reply to jeff0127]

Thats good to hear. True family will always understand you no matter what situation. I hope my kids will be like that.

[Rilo7268]

i didnt develop severe anxiety until after i had kids. if i felt this way before i may not have had them.

honestly its hard. its not a reason not to have them but its rough when you have to take care of others when youre struggling to take care of yourself.

but im also a stay at home mom with no help aside from my husband who works long hours so a support system can definitely make a difference.

my anxiety shows up with them by being quick to anger or irritable. they dont know its anxiety right now. maybe someday they will. maybe some day theyll even have it. its all a crapshoot. also after 30 isnt really the end of fertility. i have one ovary and had my second child at 34.

[Heruga in reply to Rilo7268]

I so agree. I have so much going on for myself I don't see myself being able to handle another thing that causes stress. I know, I keep telling her about the fertility issues but she seems to refuse to believe that. But our second child will definitely be after she turns 30 so I might prove her wrong!

[sunandbutterfly]

Having kids can be stressful, but they are quite the blessing as well. My sister in law has some issues with anxiety, but has a happy family with five children. I would encourage you to speak with your GP and your spouse about your concerns. Maybe some of these resources would be encouraging for you? list.ly/list/1D9h-why-marri...

[Heruga in reply to sunandbutterfly]

Thanks. I didn't know it could go the other way as well.

[sunandbutterfly in reply to Heruga]

[Rpan]

Having kids changes how we see the world. We no longer can focus on ourselves and our issues. For me the anxiety and depression has gotten better having a child. Enjoy the process. Mental health can be a hindrance, but it doesn’t have to be.

[Heruga in reply to Rpan]

Thank you. Maybe I should start changing the way I think and my perception on certain things...

[aprlcap]

I feel you. What I did was talked to my husband. Discuss with him what’s going on and what you feel. I know its hard but you need to talk to your partner and discuss or plan what you can do. I’m 26 and we plan on having our baby when we’re 30 and hopefully by that time i’m doing fine.

[AllHis]

Children really are a blessing. I say a person really doesn't know love until there's a little one looking at you. A little "you."

I think you were on to something when you thought about changing your perspective. You will gain so much by looking at things from another perspective. It is so rewarding, and even freeing to see another's view.

My husband & I had children young. WE LOVE THAT WE ARE YOUNGER PARENTS! LOVE IT!

I feel sorry, really, for my brother-in-law. My husband's brother is only a year younger, yet waiting to have children, when our oldest entered college, their youngest entered kindergarten!

[llanarth]

I don't have serious anxiety and depression, but have mild attacks mainly due to seizures/medication or both, who knows? Since I had to give up work (the frequency of seizures increased) I find that getting out, going jogging helps my anxiety and depression. I have 2 kids myself, (I'm 45) and try and be positive as possible, sometimes I find music helps me get through the day, sometimes I write or play an instrument. I think the main trick is to find ways to keep your mind engaged in activities you enjoy to stop it dwelling on dark thoughts. When I have an anxiety attack, I slow down my breathing or meditation can help train your mind too. Try everything you can. Personally I find kids positive, but I think it can help to have a support group too. There are times when kids can be stressful, but if you find a support group, that will help, a lot!