Anxiety and Depression Support

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Phony

Do ya'll ever have good days? I'm not talking good days where you can get out of bed without it hurting all over. I'm talking about those days where you laugh and it's not fake, you genuinely feel happy and you smile as big as you can because you know it won't last long?

Do you ever feel fake the next day or a couple of days later when you finally hit bottom again and your back to the sadness and struggling to get out of bad again? When I have good days either defined by my ability to actually clean my house all the way to laugh with my family I feel like I'm being dramatic with my feelings when I come back down from my "high" as I call it or when I come back down and the suicidal thoughts are so strong I cry and bang my head against a wall to try and get them to stop.

9 Replies

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I can’t say I have good entire days but I do have moments that I feel great, but then I feel guilt for allowing myself to be happy

That's what I'm talking about. The guilt of feeling good when Ik it doesn't happen often.

I don't understand the guilt. Every human deserves to be happy. That includes you! It seems to me that trying to understand the trigger for the happy time is just as important as knowing what makes you depressed. Then you could seek out the happy triggers. For the last ten years, before a change in meds, I was numb to most emotions, except depression. I smiled seldom, laughed hardly ever, and couldn't cry. Just a tiny change in the meds makes me feel things as they are: happy; sad; enjoyable; unpleasant. And I've learned some tools to keep the balance to my advantage. I'm new to this, so I have a challenge to use the tools!

Then, too, my son's mother-in-law is bi-polar. High one day, depressed the next. If she'd stay on her meds, maybe she would be better. Two takeaways here. Could your mood swings be bi-polar, and are you consistently taking your meds.

You really deserve to be happy. Guilt is for a time you commit a horrible act, like harming another intentionally. Happiness is not anywhere near that category!

I have those days. I keep telling myself it will be ok. I lost my granddaughter this past year my father has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. I quit my job of 7 years my bosses were old and felt the need to take there miserable life at me. It was too much. My son moved out and withing a week he was back home after the girlfriend beat him. My husband won’t let the past go. I don’t have any friends as my husband won’t allow it. I don’t have an email or a cell phone. All I have is my iPad and y’all that have help me vent. So yea I understand how you feel. I use to cut myself to feel alive. But I stopped because I saw the hurt on my daughter face. I keep asking my self why why have I done in my life to deserve so much misery. O and my mother won’t speak to me because my two adults sons smok pot. What can I do there adults. So yea this past year has been a roller coaster.

Your husband sounds very controlling. It is not up to him to "allow" you to do things or not to do them. It is up to you to decide what you want to do.

I can't agree more with b1b1b1! What is so compelling about this relationship that you're still in it? I understand you may have excellent reasons for staying, but, how healthy is it for your daughter to witness his control of you? You already did one extremely difficult thing for her good, stopped cutting, wouldn't leaving for her sake (and your own) be easier? I know, the best reason for leaving is for your own good, but getting out will make dealing with the rest so much easier, so much sooner.

You certainly have challenges. First thing I feel you need to face is that you have done NOTHING to deserve so much misery. And you have no control over the actions of your grown sons. Your parents opinions are irrelevant. Oh, God, that was so easy to say. The reality is that their opinions do matter. Maybe acknowledging they are entitled to their opinions, but, remembering that you did the best you could at the time with what you knew when you were raising your boys will let you look on their opinions as just that; opinion. Opinions are not fact.

We're all rooting for you!

Not whole days maybe a few hours though. Honestly it just feels like I’m a different person.

No. I don't feel like a phony. Those things are part of me and healthy. They also teach me what I can do to make my depression better. Being around people I care for and making my surroundings neater and more cheerful are good for me, every time.

Unfortunately, when I'm depressed, I withdraw and don't seek out people. I also lack the energy to do much straightening up around home.

One trick I've taught myself when I go into a messy room is, "I'll just do three things to make it cleaner." Every time I go in that room I have to do three things. Sometimes just geting started gives me the motivation to do much more than I thought I would. But even if I just put away three things, at least I've done that.

I also take out the garbage. That always makes me feel better about my surroundings, plus I get a little fresh air. Sitting around a garbagy apartment grosses me out and just adds to feeling bad.

I think about that a lot. I've been going through CBT and learning to try and change negative thinking. They say depression lies to you, taints your view of the world and you have to learn to think more "rationally". I'm getting better at it. However, when I have a bad day or something goes wrong, I really get the sense of "this is the REAL truth", I'm lying to myself when I believe things aren't that bad or I can be happy. It's a rollercoaster and I don't have the answers. I just know that when I take steps to take better care of myself, I feel better. I just keep taking it one step at a time.