My daughter : I need advice on how to... - Anxiety and Depre...

Anxiety and Depression Support

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My daughter

Yorkimom
Yorkimom

I need advice on how to help my daughter who is 19 and has anxiety and panic attacks. Her anxiety is fueled when there is a slight change. She will not ever allow herself to be alone. She has such a fear that it throws herself into a panic attack that causes her to vomit and have diarrhea. This is wreaking havoc on my marriage. I want her to be independent and realize she is an adult. We have tried medicine, hypnosis, counseling and som tough love. She is toxic in every relationship she establishes or has. Any suggestions?

17 Replies
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I know first hand how an adult child can disrupt a relationship, my partner and I are going through it ourselves...and in our case, the adult child manipulates her way by doing all of these behaviors that play on my partners heart strings...and I see right through it. They want what they want and don't care who or what they destroy to get it. Now I'm sure your daughter is genuinely sick and certainly needs help. But at what point do you finally say, this isn't working, we have to do something different...and in our case...this one needs to move out and find her own place and live her own life.

Maybe your daughter needs to do some in care patient facility work, where she can get some objective, professional, 24/7 care. Not that your not trying....but at some point it's out of our ability, and we cannot fix them. There's nothing in granite that says you have to give up your life for your adult children, you deserve a life too, and if you cannot help them...find someone who can, and don't feel guilty about something that is just not in your ability.

I found this site that had a lot of good info..and may also have resources for you...

nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/...

Yorkimom
Yorkimom in reply to fauxartist

Thank you for replying! I am drowning and don’t know what to do. My daughter like yours is manipulative and does play on others heartstrings. If we do the “tough love” thing with her, she has a long list of people that will come to her aid. We have certainly been tossing around the idea of in house treatment for her, but we live in a rural community and the closest facilities are an hour and a half away or 3 hours away. She will not drive herself anywhere. It is literally like having a grade school or middle school child at home. I’m so afraid if i tell her to leave, she will do something destructive to herself. Thank you for listening, it’s nice to have someone to talk with that doesn’t know us personally and obligated to take sides.

fauxartist
fauxartist in reply to Yorkimom

Your being manipulated then....ours won't get a license and she's 30 yrs old, so my partner has to drive her everywhere and is on call...She still has a room as a shrine and to keep her foot in the door, so she comes home every day off and takes two week vacations here...goes nowhere.....don't let yours do this to you. And as long as you let her....she will. Let the long list of people who will come to her aid take over for you...and let her live in the facility.....you have to stop....I'm not being cruel, but as long as your guilt tripped your enabling. Anxiety or not...you cannot let your kid keep doing this or your going to be in the same leaky boat we are now....believe me...your marriage will suffer even more....and it's not worth giving up your life to be this kids on call go to parent. Ours needs to grow up, and have their own life...she has been nurtured, and cared for, and we have been patient beyond belief....but she never changes..... so now we have to, or she will do her best to destroy us.

Yorkimom
Yorkimom in reply to fauxartist

Well my daughter has a license and was driving up until 04/2018, but would never be alone. She is working and taking college classes at least. We do have to take her here and there, but it sounds like we need to nip things in the bud before it gets worse!! I’m afraid she will never accomplish any goals or relationships if we don’t. How do I get her to not be so scared to try??

fauxartist
fauxartist in reply to Yorkimom

I think that's the distinction we have a hard time understanding....enabling them with everything, is doing them no favors. When they are left on their own to figure things out...it's amazing what can be accomplished. We have the middle girl who wouldn't lift a finger here and sat in a chair waiting for her dinner while she sat on the laptop. Another son who did and does do the same with the playstation, barely stops playing the game to eat the dinner laid down before him. But the difference in the middle child since they moved out and on their own is like day and night...I often kid her and ask her when was she replaced by an alien pod person. And the son has now started offering to help out since I put my foot down...and there are now boundaries....he will move on and be secure in himself. But the oldest is the problem child.... and since your daughter does not want to be alone...then a room mate situation where they have their own rooms, share kitchen and bath ....but don't have to be buddies....just that they are not alone either may be a solution. I hope your getting some therapy with this as well...cause if it's effecting you, and your marriage, and your daughter is not changing....then you have to. Change what you do.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Yorkimom

When did the panic attacks start?

Yorkimom
Yorkimom in reply to Hidden

Panic attack’s started 6 months ago

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Yorkimom

Did it seem to start for no reason? Did something trigger it?

Hidden
Hidden

Hi Yorkimon,

I went through much of the same thing with my daughter last year. It all started after a manic episode. It has taken a lot of time and patience to help her get through it. She is on medications and we have lots of talk time. She is finally going out with a few friends (can't believe it) She has come a long, long way, baby! :)

Don't forget to take time for yourself once in a while because it can wear you and everyone else out. I'm sure you are well aware of that.

Yorkimom
Yorkimom in reply to Hidden

So there is hope!! Thank you for your advice.

Hidden
Hidden in reply to Yorkimom

Yes. Don't give up on her. Take the therapy and actively practice it.

fauxartist
fauxartist in reply to Hidden

exactly.... we saved our middle daughter from herself and her anger with her other parent...the ex-.... by always saying.... we are always here for you, we love and support you....but you are just going to have to get through this stuff at your own pace.... We can't fix them, we have to let them come to this on their own, but we can always be there to catch them when they fall.

fauxartist
fauxartist in reply to Hidden

I like that Delta1; 'Don't forget to take time for yourself once in a while because it can wear you and everyone else out. I'm sure you are well aware of that.'.... that's for sure.... we just said to our crowd... don't phone us we are on a roadtrip unless it's an emergency, and no... that includes calling us asking; 'where's the food take out menu for Chinese food'... your all adults.... work it out for yourselves. And it's working .... amazingly well...

Hidden
Hidden

I think back to my young adult life and I remember being a very sensitive person who needed the love and support of her parents, every little thing they did cause pain in my life and as time went on it was translated into all of my relationships. I could not help that I was so overly sensitive, as my parents could not help but be aggravated with children; they raised 6. You have to find a balance; a church youth group is a good place; they are compassionate and honest in their approach to helping their friends resolve problems. I will be praying. God’s blessings,

Hidden
Hidden

And in my opinion hypnosis is not good. Especially when you already have a fragile mind. She is capable of retraining her own mind. Please be kind towards her in her presence try not to hurt her feelings for awhile. The church group would be a good place; she will be out of your hair before you know it. My church for instance has a teen group. They seem to be very well balanced people.

Sorry, to hear about your daughter, a few months ago my daughter admitted to me that she has been suffering with anxiety, unlike your daughter she did it alone and is very independent where she only sleeps here. She's at her boyfriends on the weekends. If I try to help her she resents me for it. So I worry where she's at emotionally? I was wondering if you also have anxiety? My doctor said our kid's can take on our anxiety? You mentioned doctors and Meds. You need to change those till you find the right fit? I did, a couple of months ago I found a doctor and medication that has helped me, though I still get anxious at times. Mines was so Bad I barely ate and dropped around 50 pounds. I was so scared that I was afraid to end up in the hospital from lack of food? Don't waste your time taking her to the ER, they won't do anything for her but give her medication and maybe keep her overnight.

Yes I do suffer with anxiety and depression although I have mine pretty much in check, I do believe it is hereditary. My suggestion is that you just watch the changes in your daughter and let her try to work things out on her own. Good luck to you and prayers that your daughter will be ok

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