I feel stuck

[macedo]

I have been depressed since i was a young girl til now simply because i was bullied about my physique both by my family and outsiders, and when look in the mirror too, i don't like what i see either although it's really not that bad but their words have so exaggerated the whole thing that I now believe I must really look horrible even when that's not the case, this has punctured my self esteem and worth. All i do most times as an adult is to hide in my room and cry my eyes out. I've done everything possible to retrain my mind from being too self conscious and self absorbed but all proved abortive, I hate my family and people around me because they made me this way and I hate myself more for allowing them. Now the only thing I have left is loneliness and depression. I've contemplated suicide several times but I don't want to die and I don't want to live either... What then is there for me HELP!! N

[fauxartist]

I would first of all forgive yourself for being so hard on you. I know it sounds funny, but it's important. It stops you blaming yourself for what others have you believing. If your still living with your family....the only one you can count on changing is you. I am an average looking gal, pleasant features, but no beauty. I come from a family that look like a model magazine...no kidding. The beautiful people of so. cal. that are rich and in the know. I never have and never will fit in. I have finally learned....'I don't care'..... you will need to get some outside help to give you the tools to cope with this long term trauma and abuse. Just because your not beaten or starved does not mean your not equally as damaged as another....your pain is valid....and you need to feel better. First thing is....learning to find what you like about yourself....and build from there. Beauty is only skin deep, real beauty is what's on the inside....it's cliché but true. Start there and begin freeing yourself from this negativity that has you feeling this way....this is a good place to share about all that stuff.

[macedo in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks Fauxartist, yea finding ones inner beauty in a situation like this maybe cliché but stil the onset of healing but the problem is i can't seem to find anything I like about me... Sad! I'm tired and all especially fighting alone but good thing is I haven't given up on trying to be better and that's how I came across this site. I am trusting to stay here long enough to meet great people that will impact a positive change in my life, thanks again.

[fauxartist in reply to macedo]

I don't think you can compare yourself to anyone else to start. Don't have your standards so high that you could never meet them either. Then start being really honest with yourself. Start with your hands, hair, your smile, your over all appearance. Think of if you as if you were looking at a stranger in the mirror, how would you think of her. You wouldn't be so hard on her I don't think.

There are good therapy's for getting to know and except your body and who you are. If your in therapy ask your therapist for some good exorcises to do to help you connect with who you are and begin to like who you are.

For instance....you would start with your hands...and you would buy a lotion you really like that smells nice and feels nice. Just massage it gently into your hands and get used to them...and so on. It's a self awareness exorcise to get you in touch with you.

[macedo in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks a lot dear I really appreciate this.

[fauxartist in reply to macedo]

look honey..I'm older....fatter....whiter hair...I have health issues from aging, my eyesight is going, my hearing....my skin is drying out....but soooooo what. I earned it.....every little ounce of me is loved for exactly who I am. My partner doesn't care one bit...because they love me.... I have friends that don't care....they love the person I am. None of my friends here would ever care, or they would not be friends. Even my nieces and nephews who are gorgeously perfect in every way...'don't care'....I'm auntie....and they still pile on the hugs and squishes...

Sometimes when we just cannot make the changes on our own we need to get professional help....and it's a good thing I did or I would never have been able to write those things I just said about myself and be perfectly okay with it. I hated myself so much from being brainwashed to believe it as a kid. Therapy changed my life....and love. But you cannot find love...till you love yourself.

[macedo in reply to fauxartist]

I'm definitely going to look for help because I want to be able to talk about the things I don't like about myself and be perfectly okay with it... That makes a lot of sense, thanks again.

[zevietnameseguy98]

I agree with fauxartist, forgiving and loving yourself is the first step into fixing this. Try to embrace yourself, love the way you look, love who you are. If there are things that you don't like about yourself, just remember that you can always fix it. There's nothing that can't be fixed. I am sure you are a great person. So don't let other people bring you down. We are all beautiful in our own way and we are all unique. Life is worth living. Stay strong and don't stop believing my friend xoxo.

[macedo in reply to zevietnameseguy98]

Unfortunately dear I can't love the way I look, I've tried doing that long time ago after reading book and listening to talks on self esteem but the more I try the worse I feel. The only thing I'm working on now is how to change the things I can change and fight from there. Thanks for your support I really appreciate.

[fauxartist in reply to macedo]

then stop focusing on the way you look....as long as you make an effort to be clean, that's good enough.....and focus on being a good person and doing things to help others like volunteer work in soup kitchens, helping kids at youth centers, all this helps you get out of your own head and stop thinking about yourself and let your inner beauty shine...

[IheartDogs]

It's okay to be angry at yourself but you could also forgive yourself and start moving forward. Negative talk can really change us but so can positive talk. No doubt it will take some time to undo what has been done but with effort and persistence you can be the person that you want to be. It all starts with a small step. We are here for you!

[macedo]

Thanks love, I agree it will take some time even though it's almost taking eternity but I am hanging in there and still fighting, hopefully one day I will be able to look back and remember these days.

[Benny3221]

First off let me say that I’m not here to pity you or show you the way to recovery because I’m in a deep pit myself also, but I want to assure you that how your feeling is because of the way people have treated you. They say that blaming others is what cowards and weak minded people do but honestly the truth is you’ve been abused and treated like dog ****. All I can say to you is that how your feeling is not your fault at all. I know this to be true because I’m in the same boat as you. I’ve always been a very vibrant easy going guy, but because of the shunning and abused Ive gone through from the past and still continue to do so today it has left me messed up psychologically. I’m not running around like a lunatic nor am I talking to myself as if I’m possessed by a demon, but I’m broken and feel damaged beyond repair. How can a decent human being like me and many others around the world fall victim to something they’ve never caused themselves? It seems to me that the kind and innocent people are the ones who suffer and pay the ultimate price for someone else’s evil and wrong doings don’t blame yourself for how your feeling because if people treated you like a decent human being you would’ve never came here to express how you’re feeling for no reason. The thing that hurts the most is that the people who treated us like crap are no where to be seen, it’s as if a murderer got away clean and is living life blissfully and we’re here crying our eyes out feeling depressed because we think it’s our fault. The reality is that many evil wicked people are getting away with abuse and mistreatment with no repercussions. The once outgoing vibrant guy who was so strong and believed in himself with all his heart and soul is now nothing but a former shadow in an empty shell. I apologize in advance if this doesn’t help you but I’m just trying to let you know that how you’re feeling is the result of others wrong doing. Anyways I wish you, me, and anyone who’s in a dark deep place the best of luck! Although this might sound wrong I Hope you feel a little better to know that someone is going through the same thing and understands your pain.

[macedo in reply to Benny3221]

Benny I understand absolutely what you mean and it helps a great deal. But my question is, why can't I meet people like you in real life who would be a source of strength to fight depression? Instead I'm being surrounded by insensitive and careless people who contribute daily in making me feel worse... Why!!!

[Benny3221]

Right....lol if I would of met easy kind going people I wouldn’t have been in this dark place o well......can’t dodge evil because sooner or later we’re going to cross paths and welcome to reality! We live amongst evil.