So, personally I feel like I have been doing well. I have a steady relationship with my boyfriend and I adore him, I registered for fall semester and began paying tuition and student loans back, I found an internship and my first day is a week from today. I also adopted a turtle last week and have been promoted to manager at my current job (pay increase is only $1.00 more but hey, it's something), and after a 3 month suspension, I will be able to drive in one week exactly. My 21st birthday is on September 2nd, so that is exciting. On the outside, I have real tangible things that are considered good or accomplishments or exciting and new, but somehow I twist it so that I don't deserve these things or that I'm going to fail at them or catastrophize them?
For example, me doing something to mess up my relationship or make my boyfriend upset/ see me in a different light, not doing well at my internship or not fitting in, sometimes I think my turtle isn't happy and wish I could afford to buy her a bigger tank but I can't do that right now, and then turning 21 could worsen my relationship with alcohol and that worries me. Also my car has been having problems lately and I worry that when I am able to drive, something bad will happen and I won't know what to do, or that I will get pulled over again.
I guess I first hand am starting to realize that just because good things happen to you or it seems like things are improving, depression and anxiety and your self critic can still bring you down. Toxic mindsets also affect how you view these things. I think I used to contribute my emotions to what was going wrong in my life and what I could pinpoint, but now I can see those were just events or roadblocks that prevented me from seeing what was really wrong or how I was truly feeling, absent of pos/neg events.
I'm just a big ball of anxiety and my mind won't shut off. I have a history of self sabotaging behaviors and my brain just keeps thinking of ways to fuck up what is going right. I guess I just need to take it one day, one hour at a time.