Outside vs. Inside: So, personally I... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Outside vs. Inside

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mary_alice

So, personally I feel like I have been doing well. I have a steady relationship with my boyfriend and I adore him, I registered for fall semester and began paying tuition and student loans back, I found an internship and my first day is a week from today. I also adopted a turtle last week and have been promoted to manager at my current job (pay increase is only $1.00 more but hey, it's something), and after a 3 month suspension, I will be able to drive in one week exactly. My 21st birthday is on September 2nd, so that is exciting. On the outside, I have real tangible things that are considered good or accomplishments or exciting and new, but somehow I twist it so that I don't deserve these things or that I'm going to fail at them or catastrophize them?

For example, me doing something to mess up my relationship or make my boyfriend upset/ see me in a different light, not doing well at my internship or not fitting in, sometimes I think my turtle isn't happy and wish I could afford to buy her a bigger tank but I can't do that right now, and then turning 21 could worsen my relationship with alcohol and that worries me. Also my car has been having problems lately and I worry that when I am able to drive, something bad will happen and I won't know what to do, or that I will get pulled over again.

I guess I first hand am starting to realize that just because good things happen to you or it seems like things are improving, depression and anxiety and your self critic can still bring you down. Toxic mindsets also affect how you view these things. I think I used to contribute my emotions to what was going wrong in my life and what I could pinpoint, but now I can see those were just events or roadblocks that prevented me from seeing what was really wrong or how I was truly feeling, absent of pos/neg events.

I'm just a big ball of anxiety and my mind won't shut off. I have a history of self sabotaging behaviors and my brain just keeps thinking of ways to fuck up what is going right. I guess I just need to take it one day, one hour at a time.

4 Replies

You are so right, I used to do the same trying to pinpoint what I could fix in my life to make the depression and anxiety go away. But sadly none of that will fix what you are going through. DepressIon and anxiety are terrible diseases and I have so much love for anyone in the same situation as me. I think you have made a lot of improvement just in that you realize that toxic mindsets affect you and that you are becoming more aware of the things you are worried about. I just turned 21 and have a really addictive personality. I already drank before and smoke but now I don’t even have to get it from someone else, so I totally understand that issue. Like you say, it’s just a one day at a time thing, just take life as it comes at you. Something that I have been doing recently that helps when I’m depressed or anxious is to take deep breaths, kind of exaggerate them and to listen to music.

Hey mary_alice, Thanks for your honesty! You seem to have a good grasp of what's what. Meaning, you are understanding that your thoughts and emotions are causing you damage when you listen to the negative ones. This is a great step in understanding ourselves! I've found that having a mentor to speak with weekly really helps. Have you ever considered finding a mentor? Also, reading and continuing to learn about yourself is beneficial as well. Here is a nice eRead for you to check out: bit.ly/2PffuyY

Let me know how else I can help!

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Sounds to me like you are a sensitive soul—possibly that is why you worry so much. You’re worried about your turtle not being comfortable and that tells me you have a beautiful heart. I’m super sensitive. It kinda makes you over-think sometimes. Yes I have to take things one day at a time too or I get completely overwhelmed. When you start having a negative thought maybe try to turn it around and re-think it. For instance when you worry about your turtle —can you not see how caring and kind you are for considering it’s comfort??

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I do the same thing! I just started an internship and literally the two days before I was making myself sick with worry and fear. I was convinced I wasn’t going to survive the day at all. I was certain I was going to ruin it all. I got myself so worked up and scared. The day ended up going well and I was so exhausted by the end of it because my adrenaline was done. I am super sensitive too. I cry all the time, but just keep moving forward. Each day, one step.

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