Tried to explain to my mother

[tatimclrn]

Maybe it's the way the conversation started ,like an arguement as always but on my summer break from college I've just been suffering from severe depression and suicidal thoughts/tendencies , but I just wanted her to understand. Now my mother has been through a lot more than and I know that , she's definitely had a lot more pain than me yet still overcame it and became extremely successful , that's the primary reason why I didn't talk her about the problems I've been having because I knew they'd seem trivial or as an "excuse". But this whole summer since I got back I haven't asked her money by all I really need was a break and to regroup and I felt like this is the only time in my life I would have this opportunity , being 19, bc I knew I need to get my shit together and overcome it in order to get through life and accomplish the things a healthier me would want to accomplish,getting a degree , internships and establish a career. There are days when I can't get out of bed and just feel overwhelmed. I knew I shouldn't have told my mother about the cutting , and how deep my depression ran bc I knew in my mind how'd she'd react , non-believing , screaming match , but I guess a tiny part of me hoped she'd understand and I would get the support I needed. Idk this support group is nice but I know if I had the support of mother I would be able to get through this and I truly overcome instead of just feeling trapped in a life of pain and masking it. It just sucks because I know I have it 10000x better than her and she's been able to give us life she's never had , she's achieved things that is basically impossible for most people with her background and race , and I'm here sitting in a fucking mansion in suburbia , college paid for , in constant pain ,wishing I was I dead. It sucks because I could have the support of the world and still feel this way. I just literally want her to understand and try to , support me , in my mind it's her support is the cure. But now she just thinks I'm weak and that my so called depression is a slap in the face to her. ITS NOT bc my mother is literally my inspiration in every way and I've know I've done fucked up shit to her that she most definitely did not deserve at all. It's just really sucks being in emotional pain all the time every waking moment except sleep. I don't want to spend her money and I barely ask bc I know I haven't been working. I wish I wasn't this way , I just thought this summer I would get better and take a break , I wish I was more strong willed. My whole life I'm pretty sure I've felt depressed and I've had suicidal thought since I was like 8 but I've always been able to act semi-normal and just keep them to myself around family and then college came and it was like okay now that I'm on my own those thoughts just became constant like it was my inner monologue at all time , it was like background music to my thoughts but I still kept it together in front of people then second semester I couldn't even leave my room or move from my bed and started cutting myself and then I've gone home for summer break and I mostly just try and keep it together for my fan but I can't really go out see other ppl bc the thought of having to fake it kills me and I just don't want people to see me. But I just can't keep it in anymore and during today's argument with my mom it's just all came out , I regret it and don't regret it at the same time. Sorry this was a ramble

[AZ1970]

You don't need to apologize. What a tough spot to be in. I think we all need our mommies to help us feel better. When our moms can't or won't be supportive, it hurts us to our core. Everyone experiences life differently. Perhaps you have different genes than your mom that you got from your dad that makes you predisposed to your struggles. Perhaps you did not get the acceptance and quality time you needed from your mom at age 8 and beyond when you started having suicidal thoughts (which are really scary for a child to manage). I wonder if there is a wound from your mom that is fueling your distress, because you say her support would make it all better.

Now that you know she is not able to be supportive, you can begin creating a support system with people who understand. You have us. Perhaps there is a support group on campus when you return to school. There should be a campus counseling office where you can get help.

You are blessed to have the resources your mom has provided you. You also have a strong role model. Those blessings don't negate your pain and distress. They can coexist together. You have our support and acceptance. HUGS!

[Gaygirl]

I have a question, does your mom emotionally abuse you? Look up parental emotion abuse online. Because if that is the case, I’m in a similar situation to you and always here to talk.

[Ann10]

Sorry to hear that you didn't get the support you wanted from your mom. As a mom myself, it takes time to process situations. Keep the lines of communication open and I hope that you can tell her how she could help you the most.