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Anxiety and Depression Support
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Somebody please help me

I have been on the edge of suicide for a long time. Stuff from my past is rising to the surface and I wake up gasping for breath. I was a "sex slave" for a family member when I was younger. I found a way to cover it up so I could "live a normal life." Now at 43, I'm falling apart. It's all coming back. I told my parents, who had no idea at the time of it happening and they believe me, but I feel guilty for bringing up so much awful garbage. They are trying to help but the pain the abuser caused is so unimaginable. I cry almost all the time. It's hard to trust anyone bc then, in my 20s, the supervisor of the job I worked at raped me.

I'm getting exhausted. Thanku to whoever takes their time to read this.

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hello, i'm here. you have been through so much, but then you don't need me to tell you that. it wouldn't be realistic to expect that these memories would never surface. it's what to do with them that's the problem, they can't be allowed to rule you for then your abusers win. if you can, tell your story and we will all be here for you.

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Thankyou so much. I've been scared to post it as it becomes more real. I do so appreciate your support.

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You dear soul, my heart breaks for you. You did not deserve such horrific treatment. Have you looked into a recovery program? I think this is something to go to intensive treatment for. Be with others who have gone through the same thing. Once you fully process the pain and grief, you can heal and not feel this way anymore.

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Thankyou so much for your support. I do go see a therapist and have been thinking about returning to a partial hospital program. I try to work along with everything else. Ivery tried different meds and am at the max dose of Cymbalta now. Having kind people like you help.

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Please go back into the partial hospital program, you deserve loving support!

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Thanks Lynnalice. I'm going to my parents apt for a week. I got a couple med changes and I'm doing better. ❤️ 💛 💚 💙 💜 Thankyou so much for your encouragement. I hope u r well.

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I’m so glad to hear this!!

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You are so strong; please recognize that. You survived the abuse, and you can survive the recovery and healing process. Super proud you told your parents the truth. The guilt you feel should all be on the abusers shoulders. You are guilty of nothing, even though I know it feels that way. You do not deserve to live with this pain! Seeing a therapist/ counselor (many communities have pro bono counselors and agencies with free services) would definitely ease some the weight you feel. They will work with you in creating a trusting clinical relationship where you feel safe so you can share these experiences, feelings, and thoughts. If this is urgent, please call 911 or the National suicide hotline. Assuming you're in the United States, the number is (1-800-273-8255). Your pain is valid, your emotions are valid, and you will get through this. Xoxoxo

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This is a beautiful post & actually gave me hope too. <3 Thank you for saying this to the OP.

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Thank you kindly Mary-Alice. You are completely right. I'm not too good at reaching out. My therapist tells me that. I'm afraid of people crossing my boundaries and saying no and all that junk. I still don't feel safe. I can't thank you enough. I normally like to write but I'm exhausted. Yes I'm in the USA. That number will come in handy as I totally forgot about it! Have a blessed night.

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Understandable, after a lot of time not talking about things it is definitely hard to reach out and be totally honest! You deserve to feel safe and I hope you get to that spot soon! Have a relaxing night :)

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Thanks u r a sweetie! I hope u r doing well. 🌹 💐 People like u make it a little easier to b honest.

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Hey there, I am so sorry to hear that you went through this. I've recently started to relive being molested by a family member when I was a baby... and I can completely relate to waking up gasping for breath & crying all the time. We're all here for you. Please stay strong & don't give up on yourself. You deserve to live & have a beautiful life. I will be thinking of you in the days ahead. <3

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You are a sweetheart and I'm sorry u went through that. 💕 If I can help u in any way, I will. I really appreciate your words of encouragement and sharing. Have a wonderful night.

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I've recently been struggling with thoughts of suicide or self harm as well...something that always helps me is to try to get through short time periods. Think about getting through the next 5 minutes, then the next 10, then the next half an hour. Remember that you are not the things that have happened to you. You belong on this earth and myself as well as many others will always be here to tell you that! Take care of yourself and reach out whenever needed xoxo

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Aw Spilling ink! I love the name! Very poetic as if u free write frequently, trying to make sense of a jumbled world. Thankyou for your kind words. I wish I read them sooner. I am trying to b more receptive to loving folks such as yourself and it is so uncomfortable! But I am so happy that u took the time to encourage me. I hope I can b there for you if you ever are in need. You certainly do belong to and bring good things to this world.

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Haha yes I'm a huge writer; it's my way of coping and disconnecting with all the chaos around me. Like I said, if you're ever feeling down I'm always here. Take care and thank you :)

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So sorry to hear your suffering about the past ,it’s excess baggage now in your head try and drop it and think about the great person inside you and positive stuff you enjoy doing 🙏

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Thankyou Alan it certainly is baggage! I am starting to learn that people really do care. That tiny child inside me that's been hiding so long is working on trusting and accepting others kindness and it's own self. Thankyou again!

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Your very welcome xxtake care🌞🙋🏻‍♂️

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It’s not your fault all that has happened to you. You are brave and tough. You survived all that you will survive this time too. It’s who you are a survivor. No one can take that from you.

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Thankyou Here I am. You put that bluntly and beautifully! I'm am so grateful for your words. We are all survivors.

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Hi I am so sorry this happened to you. As you have discovered though feelings and emotions can't be permanently pushed away as they always return to haunt you in the end. My advice is to seek professional help as counselling will help you start to deal with them. x

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Thankyou Hypercat. That is great advice. I have been going to therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for a long time but this is the deepest I've gotten to my true pain. It's is powerful as heck and is amazing how the mind can protect us until it's ready. My goal is to get thru this b4 I die so I can b at peace. I'm ok at the moment but I'm so grateful for you and this forum bc u really got me thru that horrible bout a few days ago. I hope if I can ever help u, I can.

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Aw bless you. You will get there. xx

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Boy you have been through the ringer!!! it's so understandable to feel the way you do. Keep getting it out, maybe then you will be able to let it go, I know what a challenge that can be but it will help you! I have been raped & molested but nowhere to the degree you have. I've even run in to 1 of them as our kids went to the same school. Ya know you didn't ask for this & what these people have done to you is pure EVIL! One day they will pay the price, as I believe they should! I'm here for you anytime you need to talk! If you'd like to pm me it would be my pleasure to try to help you!! Dump trucks of love & hugs for you!!! XXX

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Aw that's funny!---dump trucks of love! Right back at u! I'm sorry u experienced what u went thru as no matter the degree, it's heinous. That's hard that ur still exposed to one. I understand that as I c the family member who hurt me frequently. It's a very twisted story that would make any excellent mini series! It takes on a different perspective for the writer in me, as I am a master of dissociation and compartmentalization---my main choices for survival. I hope this doesn't sound too outlandish. My sister and I would role play when I was much younger (7 yrs---18yrs) and she is over 6 years older than me. She was the man taking advantage of the naive girl. So I played many roles in my life and as I got older, I hated myself so I became those roles until recently. That's the gist of it. There's more but that's enough for one day. Thanks for listening. I hope I can help u if u ever need it.

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Oh my shame shame on them. I am sorry! One day they will answer & aren't you glad you won't be in those shoes? Love & Hugs!

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I am so sorry this happened to you, and hope your getting some professional help to guide you through this process. It's a blessing your family is supportive, but they can only do so much. Don't feel guilty as that is what family is for, good family that is, and your's sounds like they just want to be there for you.

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Thankyou Fauxartist. I really appreciate u taking the time to encourage me. I'm blown away by all the replies I got bc I feel loathsome and unimportant. My parents were always loving but the abuser contradicted all of that. She (my sister) literally told me people would not like me and I was difficult. Oh, so much stuff. Fighting it head on now is drudging it up. I'm 43 and I don't feel like an adult. Never dated. Don't really have friend bc my sister told me for years people didn't really like me and were using me. I got and am so paranoid. Thankfully I do c a psychiatrist and therapist, that's good advice on ur part. So that's enough for awhile, I hope u are having a great day.

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I was abused sexually as a kid by family members and strangers...it screwed me up for most of my young adult life well into my 30's. I'm in my mid sixties now and am still a work in progress..... it's a very long haul, and never too late to get better, it takes what it takes. None of this was your fault, your not responsible, and you don't have to let this define you. Your a survivor...a warrior, and you'll become your own advocate....you will begin to know you deserve to be loved, all that garbage you were brainwashed with were lie's, you are lovable...and you do deserve to be happy....these monsters....I don't care how old they were when they did this..they hurt you, and it ends up taking us a lifetime to put a life together the way she should have always had...your a good person who had been abused by a bad person, they are accountable ...not you....your innocence was stolen...and now you take your power back...they can't hurt you any more....don't give them your power any more....

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I am so sorry for the horrible things you have been through. It is really hard to trust people even if you live a 'completely normal' life. I cannot imagine the fear and anxiety that comes from such horrible experiences. Not to mention PTSD and reliving it over and over. Thank God there are treatments for PTSD and help for the anxiety and depression. Thank God for people who care. There are a lot of ways and places to seek help, and this is a very good one, I think. It has helped me. Seeing a professional is always good, too. They can help with the physical aspects of the trauma.

It is a blessing to be able to talk to people here, though. I hope you find comfort and peace.

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Aw Thankyou Posykelly. I do so appreciate ur kindness. Trust is a sacred thing that can break easier the glass. I was terrified to share that information on the forum bc it's not a story I tell readily. I still protect my older sister who abused me all those years. Part of me really wants to fix things as much as possible and then I don't know if it's possible bc of all the role playing and secrets, lies and her denying that she hurt me that badly. Then I just need to concentrate on myself so this doesn't get so close to suicide. I have never been so close. All u folks helped save my life. And I hope if u need a shoulder, I can b there for u.

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This may all seem too much, too pushy, or too personal, in which case I apologize. Especially since I cannot understand your situation or pain.

I think the abusers rarely ever admit what they have done. It would make them face the fact that are monsters. How, then, could they live? How can anyone who is not an actual sociopath live with such things?

We have trouble living with even the most unintentional offenses we have caused. Maybe because we have experienced, to varying degrees, cruelty and so we are more sensitive to it.

I truly believe that there is good and evil. I believe that sometimes we allow ourselves to be led into wickedness, like Eve. But I do not believe that we are evil, nor do I think Eve was.

But there is evil in the world and it seeks to destroy the goodness that God created, more so for children who are so vulnerable.

You are a shining light created by God. You give hope to people who are despairing. Please don't let the evil win. Remember that it will get better. It does not feel like it, you may not even believe it is possible, but it does get better.

I just remember thinking, long ago, that it would never be better, I would never know love, or trust, and that I would never see sunshine again, that I did not want to endure one more moment of pain. And that I wanted to die to escape it, and to punish them, make it impossible to deny anymore they hurt me.

But it would have been such a loss to have not seen the sunshine again. To see a spider web with drops of dew that made it look like a luminous diamond necklace. To sit on the beach and dig my toes into the warm sand and feel the breeze and hear the waves.

To hear the hurricane pass over my house and think that the sound must surely be what God's wrath sounds like. And to wake in the morning after the storm and know His wrath was not for me. To see my nephew as the most pure soul, loving and kind, running to help a little girl up when he was only 7. To see my nieces grow more beautiful inside and out every day.

It would have been a tragedy to lose all that to people who could not admit their cruelty, even on their death beds. May God save their souls by His eternal Mercy and Grace. He has saved mine. And when I still feel that way sometimes I need to remind myself of all of this.

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I'm sorry for what you've suffered...I hope you're doing great. You r a beautiful soul!! Welcome here. Don't be sad we r always here for you<3

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Aw Ayushi, what a sweet little reply with a lot of kindness! I do so appreciate it. Ur beautiful as well.

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Thanks for sharing and my heart breaks for you. Sending you good thoughts and a hug

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Aw Thankyou CTCAD! It's hard but if people must go thru such things, hopefully we can use our understanding and empathy to help one another. I ve been very down but today is better so I can appreciate the singing birds and beautiful flowers as we all should b able to. I hope u are as well.

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My daughter was diagnosed with depression and severe social anxiety. Our family mantra, “Better than yesterday.”

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