A little bit of what I have to say

[Randall70schild]

Well it seems like everyone is sharing quite a bit. I'm new so somewhat skeptical, but... here goes, lately if been thinking things r only going to get worse, it's starting to feel like pain is what I am, I try to b optimistic, but attitude cannot create opportunity, yesterday I read most people do what they want to, I spend my life frustrated that I can not ever do what I want to, I'm all ways pissed off because of my limitations and life is passing me by

[Hidden]

What’s making you so angry?

[Randall70schild in reply to Hidden]

I'm not were I want to b in life, all my dreams, were just that, dreems

[Hidden in reply to Randall70schild]

I been there. I just accept what my life is not what I would like it to be. Would I like to have a job? Would I like to have a place to live after my parents are gone? Sure would, but it just ain’t happening. Life is not fair sometimes. You got to make peace with that. It took time for me to accept things. It’s a grieving process.

[Randall70schild in reply to Hidden]

Thanks for your response, I have some similar stuff, sometimes I wake up full of fear, then start dreading the future, my mom's all I have, without her I might be homeless

[Hidden]

Hello Randall!

Welcome! You will like this forum because the people have immense experience with personal mental health issues and a strong desire to help others who are similarly afflicted!

Projecting negative thoughts about your future may just make them happen. Not only are you what you eat, but your thoughts are what you are. If you think positively, you will be more positive.I believe that attitude can most definitely create opportunity! Make the most of what you have been dealt! Accept your limitations and move on to what you CAN do...focus on the positives in all situations and let go of the negatives. Wishing you the best! 🙂

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Love it GF 'You will like this forum' We have ways of making you like it x

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

😧

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

you are so funny....I love that side of you women....

[hypercat54 in reply to fauxartist]

thanks. It's only my sense of humour that has enabled me to get through life. Thank goodness for it x

[hypercat54]

Hi nice to meet you. I think we all have dreams when we were young of how we wanted and expected our life to be like but this is just what they are - dreams. Life is what happens to you when you are planning it.

When I was young I never saw any future for myself and when I thought about it it was black. I expected to die before I was 40 but what of I don't know, I did achieve a few of the things I wanted to do but not most.

I never thought in a million years I would reach my 60's and be single and retired living alone in a small flat. I also have some health problems now which limit me. I guess I am just grateful to still be here but like all of us I do wish.... x

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

yep.....dreams.....learning to live with expectations that don't always pan out can be hard. My life is completely different than what I thought it would be. I was going to be in medicine, or teach ceramic art. I didn't think I was going to have major depression change everything. I have been fighting this disease my whole life...and never thought it would hold me back though, but it did, along with a lot of other twists and turns in my life. But I'm still here, still trying, and I guess not ready to be planted yet....

[hypercat54 in reply to fauxartist]

I get that faux. I have had depression since childhood which went unnoticed and untreated until my 20's. I never saw any future for myself at all so it's surprising to see that I am still here. I think without this illness I could have had a good career and had children etc. Still I might never have made is this far so am grateful I am still alive. x

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

yeah...I like that saying ; life happens when you least expect it....just not always the life you planned on gets me. That is interesting though that you say you never saw a future....I get that too though....at certain times in my life during the really bad times....I didn't want a future...I just wanted it all to be over with. There wasn't much to be grateful for during those times when I had bottomed out. But today is far better than I thought it would be. Nothing is ever perfect, and we do have to make due with what we have....but my life if still better today than it ever was, so I'm glad I stuck around.

[hypercat54 in reply to fauxartist]

Oh I am like it all the time even now. I can't see a future and it's all still black. Counsellors in the past have asked me what colours I see and I say none, and what is going through my mind at the time and I say nothing is. They have never seemed to understand that though.

They also used to tell me they will get me back to how I was before - well I wish they would tell me coz I have no idea as I was too young to remember! No one has ever got that one either....

I came to the conclusion I was either unique or they were stupid. x

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

probably a combination to some extent.....most therapists are going on text book science and empirical formula....and unless they have had the spark of light in us put out every day from abuse, dismissal, demeaning, agro....to where there isn't anything left of us ....they can't know what it's like to just 'exist'.....and that's the best we can do. I have been there hypercat54....I do know that feeling.....I had to be invisible....as much as I could be....and all I felt was dread, sadness, anger, and being alone.

[hypercat54 in reply to fauxartist]

That's profound faux. I tried to be invisible to avoid being 'attacked' but it never seemed to work very well. I spent many years with a huge weight on my shoulders which shut out the light and any happiness. I felt so alone to so can relate to that. Occasionally I would get angry but as that always caused a massive scene with me being at fault I learnt to swallow it down again mainly.

I remember my mind being a huge blank nothingness and I was in a black hole. I didn't know who or what I was - just that trying to survive was impossible and I didn't want to anyway. I guess that's why I never saw a future and only black in my head. x

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

it was our way that our mind went into survival mode....we just shut down, or we wouldn't stop screaming for a year I'm sure. Many survivors shut down emotionally, and just stop....everything stops in their lives. Because we don't have anywhere to go....every way we turn we were subjected to the next barrage of abuse, no matter what we did, it was criticized, and we were just so tired of feeling beat down....we shut down to just survive another day.

[Randall70schild]

One thing that kept me more healthy was working out, but now I have really messed up my big toe so I'll have a boot on for a while, sometimes it's just one thing after another

[Agora1 in reply to Randall70schild]

Randall, and that's life. Just when we adapt to what we've been given, another issue comes into play. I agree in that working out not only keeps you healthy but makes you feel mentally alive. Some years back, I was working out at the Fitness Center, when one day at work fell down some steps and ended up in a boot *crutches and all. I was not about to

stop my work outs. I hobbled in and did upper body work outs. I hope that you can find something to replace your workouts in order to keep that Endorphin level high.

Hope everything heals well and that you soon will be back to what you enjoy. x

[Randall70schild]

Things can always get worse, so I'm trying to be attached and connected to reality and look for small things in the moment. So many people r emotionally detached from reality...that used to work for me as a coping mechanism to avoid (stress, anxiety depression), but that isn't helpful anymore,, it's hard when reality sucks, but at least I feel more authentic...and hopefully this forum will help me not give up (I'm a pro at that)

[Rpan]

We are struggle with acceptance, I often thought acceptance meant giving up I learned Letting go is not giving up. It’s said the best way to make god laugh is to make a plan. I don’t like it’s possible to live stress free, learning how to manage stress is the key for me. I have a demanding stress filled job, so I often have to focus on what is best for others and not necessarily what is best for me. That I believe is acceptance. I work with sick people often incurable illness, I used think of my talent as a curse, I’ve learned to not judge my feelings in very stressful circumstances. My stressful job has become a gift due to acceptance.

[RainneLim]

Hey Randall70schild,

Just taking the chance to go here and reach out to other people is already a positive step in getting where you want to be. Similar to you, I am definitely not happy where I want to be. I don't like my current job and I honestly don't know where my dreams lies so I have no direction in what I want to do.

I feel like I am useless and bothersome to others. I feel disappointed at everything I do. I really hate my job, and it is the cause of my disorder currently. And I just plainly dislike myself since I can remember, so there's that. For the passed couple months, I get depress at night until 2 am and my anxiety literally wakes me up at 5 am. I feel like I'm zoning out throughout the week. But WE got to hold on. I don't know how but we got this.

Like how we make many excuses to not live life and keep moving forward, let's also make many more reasons why to keep going. And if there is at least ONE, than that IS enough.

I've been here for the passed 2 weeks now. And for the 10 years or more of depression and anxiety, I've never felt so not-alone. I don't know how to describe it, but this place, or forum, is my comfort place. It's the only place I feel truly myself without the fear of judgement. At first, I was really afraid of telling my story, my reason for being like this. But people's stories were similar to mines and others have different but we all have the same emotional thoughts and feelings. And I am so happy to have gotten a lot of support from strangers who took the time to listen to my thoughts and feeling and be there for me.

I hope you'll feel this way too. And don't hesitate to message me whenever you want to talk. I am here for you!

[Randall70schild in reply to RainneLim]

Thanks, for the encouragement, I had severe insomnia for the last 4 years and it has definitely seemed like I'm barely existing all all. I just keep going cause family pushes me to do so..

[RainneLim in reply to Randall70schild]

I am curious. Have you reached out to a Psychiatrist? I am going to one, I think it helps. My doctor uses behavioral methods, so no medications. But I highly recommend only going if YOU want to go.

Also, I will reach out to you through the chat. I want to help somehow like how some people have been helping me out here.

[Randall70schild in reply to RainneLim]

I have been going to see A psychiatrist and a psychotherapist for 10 years, initially my symptoms were depression and PTSD...I've had insomnia for the last 4 years but I'm sleeping better now due to lyrica, but now I've hit depression hard, it's difficult to get out and stay out of bed, I Could go on and on but I wont

[RainneLim in reply to Randall70schild]

Understandable. The face that you accepted this and reaching out here shows me you want this to change. It is hard right now, to feel motivated, to go out, to enjoy life more. I think it is key to just go out and just sit or lay down somewhere in public. A park, beach, lake, etc. You don't need to do anything except just sit/lay there in that spot.

I'm trying this out. Let's take one more step to getting better. You going here is another step. Now, let the next step be just sitting/laying down in a public place for a couple hours (1 hour at least). This is what I am doing, and though I am not sleeping as much. At least my depression isn't as bad compared to when I first started.

[Randall70schild in reply to RainneLim]

Ok, I'll do it, I'll let u know how it goes, thanks

[Randall70schild in reply to Randall70schild]

I did it and I noticed life goes on whether I join it or not. My life really sucks but I can chose to try and enjoy something everyday. My negativity has got to go, it's suffocating me, all this self hate, self blame, guilt. It's eating me up inside. I slept good last night but woke up full of fear. Once I got up and out, I gained some clarity. I realized your right, I've got to change, my circumstances may never get better...Thanks

[Lain599 in reply to Randall70schild]

Oh, I thought of what you wrote...boy, do I have a dark and negative outlook! Rather than attack myself for who I am and the normal reactions I have to the abnormal, I found it all rather amusing. My son and I make jokes that are silly, off color and can be shocking. It helps. Life is ridiculous! I feel that it should be laughed at once in a while.

[Lain599]

Most people are idiots! They do not know themselves and are prompted by society and family, peer demands of who and what they should be. I have been on both sides of the fence. I have seen what lies behind the masks. Desperately vague and unhappy people. Egoist that swell like hot air balloons. Their identities are false. This is rather strange, but Victor Frankel noted that in the camps during WWII, people were torn away from who they thought they were. Even their heads were shorn and all belongings, identities and clothing stripped from them. If they did not believe in something of intrinsic vale, if they did not have a core identity, hidden deeply, of themselves, they lost all and became as the Germans saw them as.

Easier said, I knew a successful accountant. He was a Babbitt. He hated life. It was dull, plodding and boring. Now, he successfully makes Croissants and sells them. What a change!

[WickedMess]

Hi Randall70schild

I too struggle with chronic pain and have found some relief in 3 things, Dr Phil's book, Strategies for Life. Serious meditation practice, and one DBT skill in particular called "half smile" . I know it may not take the pain away and all of the other things going on, but it does help to focus on something other than the pain in that moment! I would be happy to share some of the things I use if you are interested! I wish you well and hope you are able to find relief in some way!