Well here goes,
I've alway been wired with OCD, and to be a perfectionist. I've always been my hardest critic and I always beat myself up. As a child I was the "Fat Smart" kid, who got beat up daily, and manipulated into doing others school work... thinking it would lead to friends. Not the case, just a laugh in my face. Yet I still did it continuously. Around that time, I was molested and repressed it for 20 years. The molestation led to me developing an eating disorder, and it's probably where my depression and anxiety came to the surface.
I have a hard time in social situations.
I have aspergers and it makes it most difficult to socialize as a normal person. When I try, I look like a fool, or I go way overboard... show my "weakness" and end up being taken advantage of. Example.. If I meet someone new, I so desperately want them to like me that I'll go buy $100s of dollars worth of stuff they like, as a present, and in hopes they accept me. All that does is make those folks feel weird and thinking I'm a weirdo. Meanwhile, all i had were good intentions... desperate to prove my loyalty and friendship. But I always get the short end of the stick. So I had to just stop trying all together, because it was very unhealthy. Therefore, I have not had a single friend, or relationship... outside of my family for 16 years. I tried to self medicate my issues. I became an alcoholic of the worst. I literally died twice from it. I wasn't drinking bc I liked it. I was drinking purely to black out/ pass out, bc life was just too overwhelming to deal with.
I'm now a year sober, and other issues are starting to arise. My eating disorder seems to be creeping back up, I'm burning myself regularly... Just to stop all the noise in my head. I'm isolating to the point I might as well be a shut in. I've called into work ALMOST every day for the past 3 months. Its not that I'm lazy, it's just I get this feeling of impending doom every morning I wake up. To the point I literally go into the furthest corner of my room, hunker down and panic.
I want my life back. I want to be able to socialize and have friends, or at least people I know. I tried social media... that in itself became an obsession and extremly unhealthy. It was like i was using that as a way to measure my worth in the world.
I'm just at a point where I'm tired. I'm tired of everything I've been through. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of feeling awkward and less than confident in myself. I just want a healthy, fulfilling, and hopefully happy life. I don't know how to obtain that. My psychiatrist has tried every med or combo of meds under the sun. My therapist. Excuse me, the dozen or so therapist I've had, have all been left baffled and unable to help. My last therapist point blank said, "Your issues, and the amount of them is too much for anyone to alleviate." My new therapist wants to take the "God" approach. Unfortunately, I am not religious. I haven't been since age 12 when my church asked me to leave for questioning everything. They felt i was being rebellious. No, I just wanted answers if this was supposed to be the play book i live my life by. I am spiritual, but I don't do religion. I'm open to it, but I base fact from fiction with evidence. If God came down and shook my hand, I'd be a beliver. Plus, as I mentioned earlier... I've died twice, and I saw no "Bright Lights, Fluffy Clouds, or past Loved ones". Nope. It was just lights out. So, I'm at a complete loss. Maybe this will help. The suicide prevention line suggested it. I don't know. I just know I don't want to give up, but I don't want to keep living like this... if you want to call it living. Anyway, I think I've rambled enough. I don't know how this works or what I do from here. I guess I'll see.