Pornicide ?

[Yipeyul]

Last week I wrote about suicide and my appreciation for those who choose that path. I received really good support from the community.

Now I am utterly confused!

I don't have these strong suicidal thoughts, though I have not forgotten about when I did have them. But the past 3 days I have had severe compulsion to watch porn. This is so strange!?!? I have not seen porn in a very long time, and truthfully it disgusts me. I find it fake, degrading and so mundane that it has nothing to do with sex. If you would have asked me one week ago, I probably would not even be aroused by it.

So why am I suddenly compelled to view porn and masturbate? If this is off topic I hope you will forgive me, but I'm trying to figure out if I am going up or down. Am I healing from Suicidal Thoughts or am I getting into a worse depression? The post-masturbation guilt doesn't help either...

Thoughts? Feelings?