I figured it out. How I have so much pent up anger. I don't know how but I turn my sadness into anger. I guess it is easier to let out I don't know. I just got emotional and decided to put my headphones in, crank it up as high as I can and lay face down on my bed. And I realized that when I got sad I turned it into anger and gritted my teeth together. Than dad came to get me for dinner and I was a complete BITCH to him but he was just laughing and throwing pillows at me like I was 5. He was even playing around with me... And after he left, I ended up putting a different pair of clothes on and took a much need walk knowing that it is 8 o'clock and it was getting dark. I came back at around 9 and ate something and had a bottle of water. Than a little bit ago I accidently cut my thumb but instead of taking care of it I just watched bleed. I eventually took care of it. What is wrong with me? I just sat there watching bleed and drip into the running water. I mean who does that? What kind of person am I?
I figured it out. Than something else... - Anxiety and Depre...
Anxiety and Depression Support
Howdy Skylar! It sounds like you're really upset with how you're being treated. If I'm wrong, tell me. Some people use the anger as motivation to change a frustrating situation for the better. As long as you didn't slash any tires or the like while you were out. lol. Sometimes, trying to express what makes you feel that way will help you to understand those emotions. As for staring at an open cut on your thumb, I don't know. Do you like the color red, perhaps? lol. It doesn't make you odd or anything. You're still a wonderful person! When I was young, I would pick at scabs for no reason. I still turned out ok. lol. The important thing now is to just vent and let those feelings out. I'm off to bed here in a minute, but I just want you to know that you're ok. It's ok to just be in the moment. You're still a good person! I'm here if you need to just vent and let those emotions out. I'm always here to listen. 😀
Thanks, and I didn't slash and tires while I went for a walk, lol. I'm trying so hard to figure everything out. And I want to express my feelings tell talk abut what's bothering me but I can't ever find the words and I just don't know or understand what's bothering me so bad.
Sometimes Sky, the best thing to do is just let the words come to you. Even if it's only a rough description. Talking about one's feelings, especially difficult feelings, are never easy. It helps to talk to people you trust and you know care for you and about your well being. Hopefully, we here in this community have been through similar things as you're going through now and we can relate a little better than most people. But, and this is important, we're not gonna force you or rush you into telling us anything. When you're ready, we'll be here. I'll be here too. And don't fret over trying to figure things out right now. Just be in the moment. It's ok to acknowledge what you're feeling as neither good or bad. It just is. Eventually, everything will come into focus for you. To quote a really old, really bad 70's TV show: "Patience, young Grasshopper."
And remember, when you're ready, we're here for you
PS. I just sounded like a really cheesy fortune cookie just then, didn't I? lol
I think you're a person who, as you said, has a lot of repressed emotion inside. It would be a good idea to begin talk therapy with a professional if you're not already doing so.
I've talked to dad about it but we are tight on money and plus dad said that they are going to tell me what I already know....
It means you are human like the rest of us fragile sometimes daft people. You are not a robot you know and we think and do all sorts of silly things x
Thanks. Sometime I think I forgot that I'm human and humans do silly things.
A lot of people on here seem to and expect far too much of themselves. I find it's usually the young people and I wonder where they get the idea they have to be perfect and a robot! It's a very sad indication of society today I think. x
I think it's the media. I really don't like the media so I usually ignore it but than you also got the School Bully or Prep that thinks you have to be like this if you want to be liked by anyone. I just want to be the perfect daughter for my dad and sister to my little brother.
I have explosive anger and I hate it. I always feel so horrible after and apologize like crazy. For a few days after my mood is very down. I hate myself that way. I scream, I swear, take it out on hubby, just terrible. Then I start belittling myself with, " and you call yourself a Christian?" Then I'm asking forgiveness from God. Only thing that gives me comfort from the Lord is that he knows why I do and act the way I do better than I know myself. He always forgives if you ask for it with a pure heart, and I AM always sorry.
I always try to not let my anger out on people so that could be why I just blow last night. I've ask dad to buy me a punching bag and or boxing stuff so I could let my anger and frustration out in a way that didn't hurt people but I don't think he had the money, hopefully when I get a job, car and permit I can buy one...
Using my dime store psychology, maybe watching your finger bleed was a way for you to release what was inside of you.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Let's do a little mental exercise shall we?
Imagine that there's a kid who doesn't know how to cook.
This kid NEEDS TO EAT so he decides to give it a go and tries to cook something.
Since he doesn't know HOW to cook, he ends up mixing ingredients that he doesn't know that aren't supposed to be mixed. So he ends up making a mess and the food he makes tastes horrible and can't be eaten. He doesn't know how cooking works so he ends up getting results he did not wanted.
So, what does this kid need to do to be able to make some food that he can eat and that has a good taste? He needs to learn HOW TO COOK. He needs to learn how cooking works and he needs to learn how each ingredient modifies the taste of the meal.
Well, the same thing is happening to you: you don't how how your mind works, you don't know how your brain works, how your body works, so you end up getting results that you don't want.
-When you cry, your body releases chemicals that work as anesthetics(your body is trying to relieve what you're currently feeling).
-When you think/try to commit suicide, it's because you're trying to stop the constant pain that you feel. But this is a mistake, cause you're only focused on the feeling/emotion and not what is causing it.
-When you hurt yourself physically, when you cause yourself physical harm, it's because you're trying to distract yourself from your emotional pain which can be pretty intense sometimes.
-Your dad saw that you were feeling bad and he was trying to channel your Sadness-->Pain-->Frustration-->Energy-->Violence(destructive behavior) into a less harmful way: Sadness-->Pain-->Frustration-->Energy-->Playing(releasing energy).
What he did was not bad, because he was trying to stop you from generating destructive behaviors, but he made a mistake: he was focused on the behavior and the feeling/emotion and not what was causing these feelings/emotions. This way, you could play all day, you could destroy things all day, you could be violent against all the people in your life all day, your could harm yourself all day, you could listen to music all day, you could walk all day, but you won't stop the feeling(because you haven't dealt with the cause, the thing that is generating this feeling). As long as you don't treat the cause, the feeling will keep being generated, because this is the way that your mind tries to tell you that something is wrong and that you need to do something about it. Once you deal with the cause, what is generating this feeling, the feeling will stop being generated and you'll start feeling better.
Imagine someone has an accident. This person gets a piece of metal stuck in his arm and the injury starts generating pain. He could take painkillers to temporarily relieve the pain, but if he doesn't treat the injury, once the effect of the painkillers is over, the pain will come back. He needs to treat the injury so that his body stops generating pain.
The same thing goes for you, if you focus on trying to relieve the uncomfortable feelings that you're experiencing, once that the effect of what you're doing to relieve the uncomfortable feeling is over, the uncomfortable feeling will come back. Only dealing with what is causing this feeling will stop it from coming back.
I would suggest you start learning about psychology.
How your mind, your thoughts, your interpretations and the meaning that you give to things in your life and how these things will affect your life leads to emotions(to what you're feeling), how what you're feeling leads to how you behave, and how you behave leads to the results that you're getting.
There's a girl who talks about psychology and mixes some stuff with spirituality(spirituality is not my thing to be honest, but i try to watch her videos with an open mind). The things she says about psychology are spot on(the ones i watched at least), she talks about a different subject in every video(like what is pain, what is anger, unconscious and conscious mind, behaviors, etc.)
Here's her channel youtube.com/channel/UC1KIUp... (teal swan on youtube)
Skylar, I read a little bit of your past posts. I think there are ways to have your therapy paid for because you are a minor. I suggest actually talking to a school counselor about your depression. I see in one of your posts that you were sent to a hospital for a few days. Was that because you told your teacher that you were depressed or something that was inappropriate for a student to say to a teacher?
I've struggled with depression for decades. There is not always some "cause" that you can work through to make depression go completely away. I think cutting, suicide attempts, and watching yourself bleed are all indicators that you need professional therapy and/or some medication to help you feel better. I really hope you are doing better today.
I'm doing somewhat better today. I got really close with my teacher, she became like a second mother so I was talking to her and accidently said something about cutting I think. She had to follow school rules and told the guides counselor which I was kind of close with to and she cared for me. The only one who has at school. But when I moved school in a different state I didn't have her anymore and half talked to one teacher about stuff. He did take me to the school counselor there but I didn't like her at all. I don't even think she listened to me when I was telling her about only one thing. She just looked into my record and brought up the past that didn't even matter to what I was talking to her about.
Thank you for replying. I'm sorry that you had to change schools away from the teacher that you bonded with. That must have been really hard. I will be praying for you, Skylar. (I believe in the power of prayer because I have seen it work in my life.) I will pray that you have the energy you need to face each new day and that if you need more help that you will be able to get it without it costing too much for your family.
I love that you are able to start figuring out how you turn sadness into anger. It's great that you are using your head to work on solving your problems. That will get easier and easier as you get older and your hormones level out. I'll be thinking about you today.
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