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[Devpomegranate]

I am a single mother to a two year old boy. My mood swings have gotten out of hand the last couple months, I've tried breathing, count downs, walks, anything to help me take a minute to collect myself.. But nothing is working. I spend more time in the bathroom crying then anything else. My mom has been dropping off meals for us, I never seem to remember to eat or to make food when I am in this mood. It comes and goes. Sometimes it's only for a short while, but then there are times when I will spend the whole month in bed sleeping/crying. I want to get better, I went to the family clinic to hopefully find a doctor who can give me something to feel normal again, but i was denied assistance so I cannot afford to go to a doctor or any prescriptions they might prescribe me. Please, can someone just talk to me? I feel like my mind is literally slipping, like I am on the break of insanity. I just want to wake up and play with my son. I want to wake up and go play at the park, or get a job, or get ready for the day. I haven't had the strength or will to do anything. It's not fair for my son to see this, and I hate myself everyday I am like this because I know he knows this isn't what a normal mom does. Just do not want to be healthy, mentally and physically. Not just for me, but for him too.

[jkl5500]

I'll be happy to talk to you. Didn't the clinic refer you to a place where you can get treatment if you cannot pay?

[Devpomegranate in reply to jkl5500]

The doctor referred me to see a training psychologist at the university and said they might be able to help me talk through my problems, that medication isn't always the answer. Told me to come back if I still felt the same in a couple months. Left me feeling hopeless, and that feeling like this was somehow my fault. I did call the university and am meeting someone next week. At this point I will try anything. I just want someone to tell me that this isn't going to last forever, I don't think I can do this forever.

[jkl5500 in reply to Devpomegranate]

The important thing is that you began treatment. Depression is notorious for making you feel like everything's your fault, along with the emptiness and hopelessness. These are just symptoms - your brain is giving you false messages because of your condition.

And no , it won't last forever. Just cooperate and be open with your therapist.

[Devpomegranate in reply to jkl5500]

I am really scared. I don't know how long this episode will last, or how bad it will get. I am fearful for my son, and what he will learn from this. I hate sending him away but I don't want him to see me this way. How can I coop with my depression and still be a mom, a good mom? I should be the one comforting him, not the other way around. Yet, I just have nothing in me to do anything. I don't understand why I am this way. I try to do better, but at the end of the day I am still the shell sitting staring blankly at the wall feeling numb. Just want to be a mom to him, but I can't even do that.

[Devpomegranate in reply to Devpomegranate]

Thank you for listening, or reading rather...and responding.

[jkl5500 in reply to Devpomegranate]

I don't blame you for being scared, but try not to let these negative feelings build on each other. Try not to feel bad about feeling bad, in other words. You are suffering from an illness, and it's not a bad reflection on you any more than if you caught a cold.

It's always scary when you feel you're losing control. Anyone would be scared in that situation. But you've taken the first steps toward recovery. You've done all that you can do right now. Your son is only two years old, and he shouldn't remember what's happening at this time. Just focus on getting better, on realizing that you have an illness that needs treatment.

[Marshall64]

In a support group that i go to for bipolar and depressing, a mother and daughter came in. The daughter was having a hard time and they couldn't get into a psychiatrist so the mom took her to an emergency room. They gave her medicine for bipolar. The mom had insurance so I'm sure get a bill. You will get one too but you might be able to negotiate after you get it.

Just an idea if things get real bad.

[Rpan]

When these times come, which by the way sounds like anxiety than panic attacks followed by depression, you need to find something to break the cycle. Sitting and staring at the wall is no answer. Get up and get moving. Move a muscle change a thought. Don’t just sit idle when your in this state. Reach out to this forum. Call a friend tell them what is happening, don’t hold it in, express your fears.( do that on this forum also) you can break this pattern you just have to muster up some courage to keep moving. You must eat, your body is using a lot of energy when your feeling this way, you need fuel, without it you will just feel worse. Keep talking morning noon and night don’t sit with these feelings

[Devpomegranate in reply to Rpan]

I go on walks, counting exercises, breathing exercises, writing in journals, I don't have very many friends so I talk to my brother about it, but it doesn't change. I've walked miles only to end up back at home bawling my eyes out. I hate being around people, I get nervous, shake, and tears will just roll down my cheeks before I even know it. Walking out of my house makes me nauseous. The one person I confided in the most committed suicide last year, he was the only one who I connected with on every level. Single father, ex cheated and disappeared, struggled with depression, and now he is gone. I am not a social butterfly, making friends is extremely difficult for me.. So losing him was hard..not only for me but for his mother, and his son who is my son's age just a couple months apart. I talk to her sometimes, but I don't burden her with my problems, just getting the kids together. I was suppose to have a play-date with him for our kids that Saturday, but cancelled since I was having a pretty emotionally day, he ended his life on Sunday night. Still hurts, still think if I showed up he would've told me he felt like ending his life and we would've made it through it together, but I stayed home. I know it's not my fault, but at the same time...why couldn't I have showed up for the play-date?

[jkl5500]

Please don't beat yourself up over that play-date. I'm sure you would have gone if you knew he was suffering that badly.

All those exercises you mentioned don't hurt, but what you need right now is therapy. I'm glad you took the first step towards getting better.

[Devpomegranate in reply to jkl5500]

Just hard.. I've lost a few loved ones, but it was never their choice to die. It's a whole new grieving process. I am hopeful for my future, that therapy will work so me and my son can enjoy each other for many more years. But at the same time I am worried about it not working, or something else will popup.. I don't think I could ever follow the path he choose, but I would be lying if I said it never crossed my mind.

[jkl5500]

I have lost three people in my life to suicide (two in my own family), so this subject really hits home for me. I'm glad that you're not seriously considering it. Please get to the ER quickly if you get "critical" (as my doc would say).

[Devpomegranate in reply to jkl5500]

I don't want to die, I just want to function on a daily basis. I have so much to live for, my son growing up, heartaches to console, his wedding, my grand-kids...I don't want to miss any of it. I want to fight.

[Devpomegranate in reply to jkl5500]

I am sorry for your loses.. It never gets easier.

[jkl5500]

Your attitude is very good. Patience is hard to come by when you're depressed and your nerves are frayed, but you are definitely on the right track now. Give yourself time to get better. You have so much to look forward to. Your fight will be rewarded with victory.