Anxiety and Depression Support
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Not a good day

Today started off as good , then it just got bad really bad quickly . My husband and I both have tempers and we both react differently when we get mad. I get super verbal and tend to yell and think of really harsh things to say, things that I know will push my husbands buttons. My husband gives me the silent treatment and it seems to really set my anger when he ignores me . We haven't had a fight like this one in at least a year. We started this fight over something that's not even a big deal. My husband had to drive to Walmart that is across town so we could get flea treatments for our cats. And I

Got mad because he was angry? I tend to over react when my husband is anything but happy and this seems to be an ongoing problem in our relationship , something I have to work on. Let's just say when we finally got back to our house, I asked him to leave . He ignored me. That in turn makes my anger go from 0 to 10. I then asked him I have to say calmly and nicely to leave because I didn't want our son to be around a tense environment he still ignored me . Then i continued to ask him to leave calmly I would say another 10 times still being ignored. This really set my anger off because I just wanted him to think about our son and just leave so our son wouldn't have to see or hear us fight . Then my anger just snapped it's like I let my anger take control of my whole body and I started to hit my husband with my fists while crying saying " please just leave " while he laughed ...I think him laughing set me off even more because I then picked up my son , and continued to hit my husband ...this was a horrible choice on my part and this is completely inexcusable ...I just lost it ..it's like I couldn't control myself. Then fast forward , we both put my son to sleep and then it started again ...he wouldn't talk to me and just ignored me. I then grabbed his face as hard as I could. He then snapped , grabbed my wrist as hard as he could and slammed me to the ground and started hitting me. Now, I don't know how I feel about this because 1) I hit him first and this was the second time so I started it. Something inside me just gave up while he was twisting my wrist while he was saying he was defending himself , it was at this point I just wanted to die. I was hoping with one hit he would kill me , I didn't care about my life anymore. I was hoping he would even get the strength to choke me out because I deserved it. I started this fight he was only defending himself . After he got done hitting me , I started to apologize profusely , I'm sorry I'm a bad mother and a bad person I said over and over to him between tears. I still don't know what caused me to even start getting physical with him, I think it's because he's great at making me feel horrible. While we were in the car before we even got home he said " I hope everyday that you kill yourself at this point your son won't remember you and I can find a good mother for him " he said over and over. I'm thinking this is what caused me to snap and lose my break from reality . I'm sitting on the floor right now looking on my phone , my wrist killing me . But I started this ...this marriage is getting toxic. I know we have to get a divorce. I just know both of us are too "lazy" to pull the trigger. But if we stay married , what's going to happen ? My son doesn't deserve to live in a household

Like this . And I don't have any means of supporting myself let alone him. Would love anyone's input

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First off I’d like to say that I am really glad you are ok and I’m sorry you are in a situation like this. I know you say you deserved it because you started it and he was just defending himself but I disagree. He crossed the line of defending himself when he slammed you into the ground and starting hitting you. You have admitted you were wrong to get physical with him but under no circumstances is it ok for him to do what he did. You do NOT deserve that! It’s no wonder you felt the way you did after he said that EVIL thing! You said this marriage is “getting” toxic but I think it’s already been there for awhile. I understand how scary it can be to pull that trigger but like you said your son doesn’t deserve to be around that and neither do YOU. Do you have any family or friends that you could stay with for awhile to get that process going and get on your feet? I hope nothing I said came across aggressive or judgmental I in no way meant it that way. I just know you don’t deserve that.

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