How do you find yourself? How do you build yourself up when you've beaten yourself down for 23 years? How do you get rid of that I'm not smart enough or I can't do that attitude?
I've bottled things up for so long and my depression finally became to much. I know there's so much more to life then going to work coming home back to work. Ibs trapped me for 23 years of my life. I rarely went out. It's my fault that I let that happen. But at 15 how do you handle it. I let it control me. And here 23 years later im finally talking about it and not holding it in anymore.
I don't want to regret the next 23 years of my life. Im Just so tired and felt so alone.
Sorry for my ramblings here. I've slept very little the past couple of days i don't even know if any of this makes sense. I just wanted to vent some things here. Thanks for listening.
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Michael8072
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I didn’t leave my house for fourteen years. From the time I was sixteen till I was thirty. I know how you feel. I used to think I waisted those years, but when I look back now I am grateful to have had them. I learned so much about myself. While your situation is similar don't despair. Use the anger you have to make your life better. Anger when channeled correctly can be an awesome motivator.
To be completely honest I don’t know. I stopped having panic attacks five years into my fourteen year hibernation. As long as I was in the house I was ok. I created my own world in a way. I threw myself into my hobbies. Watching tv had lost its appeal. Especially with all the coverage of the OJ trial and then the Monica lewinski scandal. Then after that the whole thing with the election and the vote counting. I remember my brother got engaged and asked me to be his best man. I had missed three family funerals and my twin sisters wedding. I think him asking me might have motivated me. His wife was a nurse and helped me go out. I wasn’t able to be his best man but I did attend his wedding. I wish I was able to attend my sisters wedding. I saw the video of it the food looked so good. She moved two thousand miles away so I don’t see her as much. I think being removed from the panic attacks also helped me want to try again. It wasn’t like I woke up one day and decided to try to overcome my agoraphobia. It just happened.
Yeah I am so grateful to be able to go out again! I love going to movies. I also like that I can pick out my own clothes when I go shopping. It makes buying shoes easier. I don’t have to have someone return them if they don’t fit. I just try them on in the store now. It’s amazing how little things like that make a difference when you can’t do them. I would love to get a job. I know I don’t have a lot of education but I don’t mind sweeping floors or collecting shopping carts. Just having a job would be enough for me.
Yes years of learnt behaviour means we have to unlearn to change...this takes time, quite a bit more time than I imagined. Then we are all very individual in the healing process imo.
For me personally it helps now that I have learnt more about it, I guess knowledge is power..looking back, and thinking about it, I have made big achievements, it doesn’t always feel like I have.
I try to focus on the positive things, some days that’s not easy, but I keep doing it, because it does help..and it’s so easy not to, I have to make a conscious effort.
Yes knowledge is power! Totally agree with that. Small steps indeed. It's gonna take time to unlearn all that I did. I just don't want the next 23 years to go by like the past 23 years. Lost time lost friendships friends that could have been made. I just get so discouraged. And not sleeping well doesnt help. I do alot of things to keep me down and I feel like I continue to do it even though I don't want to. I know I should be happy. But I'm not.
Thank you. Best wishes to you too.
Ps that sunflower was just about taller then me. I took a pic of me standing right next to it!!
Really take it one thing at a time. The sleep thing is most important right now. Lack of sleep really makes everything worse for me. It changes how you think. Get help with that if necessary...
You went into the 23 years not knowing..now you know it will help the healing...it will happen !
I'm sorry that you aren't able to sleep. I understand when you have a lot of thoughts of self doubt and negativity. Now you must challenge those thoughts. And reprogram yourself.
Remember how I recommended the EFT videos. You will say positive forgiving statements as you tap. The thing about tapping is you are not thinking. You are making statements and positive affirmations. Instead of thinking at night do the EFT. Or recalling find an activity whether it's guided meditation . Or even singing your favorite Blue October song. Don't think. Do an activity.
Your thoughts of uncertainty are making you anxious. Focus on the present for 15 -30 min on an activity. This will give your panicking Amygdala a break. I really felt better today doing this. I did tapping for an hour cause I couldn't take being so Anxious. I felt so much better.
Thanks for being my friend. I'm glad that I can express my concerns to you and receive encouragement. Thanks for the pretty flower picture. It's a ray of sunshine for me.
You can change. You just have to find all the tools that will work for you. Really have an arsenal of tools whether it be breathing , feeding turtles, splashing cold water on your face.
I wanted to give you an example of keep looking for tools for yourself.
Today was the first time in 6 months that I felt relief. My neck had been tensing up so bad from anxiety. So I went down the YouTube rabbit hole and got an idea. I made a neck traction device with a towel and a rope to suspend my head. I used the towel to make a cradle for my head. It worked! I feel so much better.
like Here I Amsaid, he wanted to make that change. That internal spark is what you need. You can do it. It is going to take time and you will fall but get back up. Little everyday positive things will lead to big change.
I should really try the tapping again. I will try and see if that helps. I do have to find a way to just get out of my head. I really do just want to sleep. Even if its just 5 hours straight. That would be a wonderful sleep.
I do have to continue to search for tools and ways to help. Like Olivia said knowledge is power. And thats spot on!
I'm glad that your neck is feeling better! Pain of any kind is no fun.
Look up Brad Yates EFT on YouTube. I just finished a session a couple of minutes ago. He says great healing statements. I am glad I have him as a tool. He's amazing!
Thank You! He has a way about him. He says the right words. The words you need to hear. I also tried and liked the one about love yourself. As I need to do some focusing on that as well as others.
Micheal ...you've already started on getting better by sharing about it here....I'm glad your here...and glad you didn't make the mistake I did and waited till my late 30's to really seriously start getting help. Depression is a disease..it's a chemical imbalance...it's not your fault...you can feel sad and down on yourself because of the stigma of shame around mental heal issues, but there is no reason why you feel badly, it's the disease....but it does not define you....you will learn to live with your disease and get help on how to manage living with depression....it's a hard road sometimes, and no easy fix after years of living with it and blaming yourself because you could not control it. It's a myth that anyone would be lacking in self control and stamina, or being weak cause they can't 'Snap out of it',....but now you know you can get help. Therapy, I take SSRI's, many choose not to for their own reasons, there are many here who have years of experience and you can learn a lot from them. Read some posts and comments to get an idea of what other people do and how this has effected them....your not alone.
Thank you fauxartist. I am in my late 30's now but better late then never. Everyone here is great. I'm glad I found this place to be able to share and talk. As I've held suffered in silence for a long time. Releasing it all helps me to heal and move forward. I may move 2 steps forward and then a step back but I know I gotta continue forward. It's gonna be a hard road I know. And full of setbacks. But I'm grateful that I have found support. Thank you
Hi Michael I suffered from depression from around 7 but didn't seek treatment until my mid 20's after a lot of suffering and beating myself down. I came to a point where I knew I couldn't go on this way and had to make a choice. My choices were between suicide as there seemed no point in living any more and making myself so unhappy, or choosing life and turning it around. I determined to try everything I could and give myself the best chance and ok if it didn't work I always had the other option. Surprisingly this has and is still to this day a lovely comfort blanket.
I went to counselling for the first time and started looking at what I needed in my life to make it if not happy at least livable. One of these was to learn to make friends - a skill which had always bypassed me. So I watched others and learnt, I also discovered a new passion which is still with me and then things just went from there in a sort of domino effect. In 4 short years I went to Uni as a mature student, bought my own flat, got 2 cats, went abroad for the first time, kept up my new passion, got friends and kept them. It was like once I changed my mindset and got the ball rolling it kept right on. I found myself with a life I liked a lot better than the old one so it was worth sticking around.
Ok there are some big things in life I could never achieve like a family or a proper career, but compared to the alternative I am grateful to have been able to be able to live my life and have some good times.
I'm glad you were able to accomplish all that and get back on the right track. I hope to be able to find my passion in life and do the same. It's just hasn't found me yet. But your post has given hope. Thank you!
I for one am happy to call you my friend hypercat54...and you've climbed mountains to be here...I know you have....I'm the one on the other one next to you...and it is and has been a lot of ups and downs...it's good to know when your on the down side only way to go is up eventually.
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