My partner has anxiety: Hi all, I was... - Anxiety and Depre...

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My partner has anxiety


Hi all,

I was wondering if there is a part of this forum dedicated to the discussion among the partners of those with anxiety. I tried to google this but it didn't show very relevant results.

I've been dealing with my partners' anxiety for 2.5 years and we are on the edge of breaking up. I wanted to see if someone went through this before and how they dealt with the situation. Is there a realistic way out of this without breaking up? Her psychotherapist never gives an answer, which is probably honest and right, but I can't go on waiting because it's always been "maybe 1 week, maybe 10 years", and I realize that it's not going to be 1 week. While I understand very clearly that anxiety torments and tortures my partner and don't want to say that I'm a victim who deserves much consolation, it also drags me down, ruining my career and making me binge on sweets and videogames - something I dealt with effectively in the past.

Her anxiety switched to jealousy over a year ago, and it's even more unbearable from then on. While I'm not a saint, my actions were so far away from any actual or emotional cheating. They were - I acknowledge - unhealthy and childish dynamics of, for example, being afraid to upset her and not mentioning that 1 out of 5 friends I send a postcard to is a female, or trying to be funny/witty in one situation with a female, which though was strictly that and no more. Do I need to be fully, 100%, bullet-proof emotionally healthy to be able to be around and cope with my partners' anxiety? So I don't "give" her new triggers because of my own issues like people-pleasing, needing to be appreciated and caring too much for others' opinion? But no-one is that strong. Everybody is damaged by life to a smaller or larger extent and in one way or the other.

Her endless stream of questioning drives me mad and gradually convinces me that I'm a terrible human being: she asks endless questions that are based on false assumptions/accusations and framed to pull an answer out of me that she wants. She asks the same questions, with the same words, time and again. And when I give a slightly different answer, she runs with it as if she caught me lying. She constantly wants me to prove a negative statement, which is impossible: no amount of evidence on this planet can 100% prove that I didn't cheat. There is always a scenario - an increasingly improbable and plain weird scenario - and she comes up with to not trust me and start worrying again.

I tried to ignore her questions, like my psychotherapist (I had to get one recently for myself) suggested, but it's close to impossible: she starts answering questions herself, and sure enough she chooses the worst answer possible. How can I treat her as a crying baby on the airplane and ignore her like every other nuisance if she is an adult and my partner?

It's easy to say "run from her", but I loved the person she was when I met her. It's easy to say "she is no longer that person", but I keep on deluding myself that she still can be that person. Am I deluding myself?

I tend to believe my psychotherapist that it's impossible to diagnose my partner or our relationship without seeing my partner in person for a session. So I realize now - after writing this post - that I can't expect a solution, but rather support and perspective.

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