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Dating experience

I have been dating this guy for 8-9 months now , and well one of the most painful experiences I dealt with while dating him.

Tonight, his friend posted on social media saying horrible things about my appearance (I could careless and not upset the friend was talking about me .) but when I say he disrespected me! To the upmost , and posted nasty things.

I text the guy I was dating like “hey your friend is saying horrible things, could you tell him to stop.” His text back to me was “I don’t want any trouble, I’m not online.” Then he ignored my texts and phone calls for the rest of the night...

I have not been able to sleep, because he didn’t have my back, and now I feel he feels embarrassed about me and the way I look, and feel he thinks what his friend said about me was true ...

I know everyone’s response and my friends response time and time again, is “leave him alone, he’s not good for you.” But it’s not that simple, I am in love with him, and it’s hurtful, because I’ve done so many things for him !

I’m hurt so bad my eyes are swollen, I don’t know if it’s my clinging on to him because I have no one else, me partially believing the horrible things said about me and feeling embarrassed he doesn’t stick up for me, or me being abused as a child by men when I was younger that effects me and guys.

Him and I had disagreements in the past, and it’s always my fault, I’m crazy , my attitude, I wanted to talk to him before and he’s told me he’s not a psychologist ...

I always seem to cling onto a guy, when they treat me horrible, and also believe I’m not attractive, and that he doesn’t take me serious because I’m a headache.... I’m super insecure, and I don’t even have sex with him naked because I’m ashamed...

I really feel worthless, and feel that a guy doesn’t want me more for than sex and behind clothes doors.

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It sounds like you're probably right about that. The fact is, I've been in your shoes and NEVER AGAIN. I'm not particularly fond of being single, but it beats hell out of being with some nasty superficial . . . you can fill in the blanks.

I've been single and celibate for over 5 years, and don't know if I'll ever have another woman in my life, but one thing I do know is, I never want to be involved with another selfish, self-serving, lying, two-timer again. I've lost too much already, and I'd rather suffer this life alone than suffer it with the added benefit of a dagger in my back.

We've all got our lessons to learn. One I've learned, and learned well is never to date when I'm not in a good place myself, because anyone that'd be interested in perusing a relationship with me when I'm not doing well is likely not going to be interested in me when I am.

You've got your own lessons to learn, eh? People tell you to drop this fella. Doesn't really matter what people say though. Your probably feeling like you need to have a guy to "complete you" or however you care to phrase it. You might be better off with a dog or a cat.

In-so-far as sex is concerned, yup, definately better when there's someone else actually in the same room, but at what cost? The first time I ever had sex I was all alone too, so, whatever.

Until society as a whole shows some significant improvement, I really don't have much interest in being a part of that whole damned mess. Facebook? Yeah, I've used computers since 1980. I never had a Fakebook, I mean Farcebook, oh, you know what I mean, one of those b.s. social networking accounts. No thanks.

So, if my experience holds any wisdom, it is that you will most likely keep going with this guy that treats you lime little more than an option if there's nothing better to do until he dumps you with a bang, or continue being used if he doesn't dump you.

There is a chance you will choose to have some dignity and leave him, but if you do, I honestly suggest you also resolve yourself to being entirely single for about a year while you gather yourself back up and get your own head and heart in order. Ain't no man ever gonna be a shortcut to you being well emotionally any more than any woman could ever be the be-all and end-all of my happiness.

I hope the best for you, as I do for anyone, but you know, the only one that can change your circumstances is you, and the only way that happens is for you to try doing something that is the opposite of what you think is the easiest solution.

If I could tell you how to turn this guy your with into a compassionate human being that would be real nice, but unfortunately, I have no such solution to offer. People you know have told you when you've asked, and you have not liked the "drop this toxic a-hole" answer You've gotten from them. I honestly don't think your going to find better answers here, and maybe my putting it in such simple terms may help you to realize that.

You want to hear something different, but there is no different answer. Water is wet. No there is no way to leap over the moon. Gravity sucks, and apparently, so does you boyfriend. Dump his ass, and yes, suffer the awful lonely and hurt feelings that follow because it is NORMAL to feel that way for a little while. None of us are somehow so special we are exempt from that. That, or be his punching bag for awhile longer, maybe for life.

I wish I had an easier softer solution because I really don't like pain as a reality for all people to have to face in life, but it is and there is no, "never feel bad feelings ever again" solution. Okay? :/

Hang in there. This is all just normal stuff, and if millions, heck, BILLIONS AND BILLIONS through all of recorded history have gotten through heart-ache and loss and survived it, why shouldn't you be entitled to succeed in getting through it too, right?

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I could not have put it better tbh.

This is a such a real, wise and wonderfully honest reply in my opinion and so well put and I agree ! Great reply old-soul...

🌺🌺 xx

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Thank you for replying.... I should’ve concluded or mentioned, that I didn’t make this post for anything to say regarding him, but more of venting.

I have been single almost all of my life , I don’t have sex a lot because I’m insecure, and I have never felt that a guy completed me . To be honest, I have been without one for awhile, I don’t jump from man to man, my issues stemming from my own father raping me over and over , and told it was “punishment” while my mother was out of town has came back to haunt me! It’s showing in my adult years! I haven’t had meaningful relationships with men, I get abused , and I’m not perfect . He’s totally shunned from me because of how I deal with my emotions, Anytime I react or angry or emotional I get ignored by him.

My friends will always tell me to leave a guy alone , no matter if we have a minor disagreement, or if it’s my fault... I guess that’s what friends are for ...

Honestly, I really like him and want it to work, I don’t mind if I have to stop talking to him, I just don’t know if it’s me, my depression and anxiety that runs men away or if it’s them. I feel like I pick different men, but maybe I actually don’t, maybe in my head I feel they’re different... men my age (25-30) are very very difficult far as maturity wise, they 9/10 aren’t looking for anything serious, don’t want any real connection etc..

I kind of wrote this for venting, and partial advice... I do not have anyone to talk to or anyone that will listen, apart of me feels like I will have to start over with someone new and getting to know them, and I’m not ready to tell anyone about my life... I am seriously damaged, and I don’t want to go around giving up on Love, or giving up on being with anyone, as I feel you have.... as you said everyone deserves someone...

I guess I want to know how do I let go? Why am I clingling on to anyone? I use to think that my dad didn’t effect me because he’s still in my life (and it’s hard because he’s still married to my mother , all these years, and I never really loved him or had a strong connection after he did what he did, I have been angry.)

I’m just hurt that the person I was giving myself to didn’t even want to get involved , i feel extremely ugly right now , big , and feel like I will never be happy...

How do I feel proud of myself , my looks, my body, etc ...

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Ahhh, I see. I too am a sexual abuse sufferer from childhood abuse, although from OUTSIDE of my home, thank goodness for that much, anyhow.

I have female friends who were raped by their fathers, and they still have to work on different aspects or intimacy and trust as they go along. The women who have shared, in a very general way, that experience with me have in fact come a long long way in healing, so I know It's possible.

I absolutely HATE that That type of abuse happened to you too, and I suspect maybe part of my response may not have fit your particular circumstance 100%. Please, just take what actually fits, and disregard whatever may not. I believe most of what I said probably still applies, because that's all the normal relationship balance stuff.

I'd bet you pick clothes that don't necessarily bring out your most attractive features and stuff like that, though I could be wrong about that. In either case, however, people talking smack about you and your significant other not taking up for you making you feel bad seems like entirely normal feelings to me.

The long and the short of it is, I was lucky to have had the opportunity to be a part of a really healthy sexual abuse/rape survivor's group many years ago, and I got an awful lot of help in a really short amount of time.

I strongly doubt all groups are the same, but this particular group was a really good one for me at that moment. I was very young at the time, being only 17, and everyone else was just about the same age as me.

This particular group was both male and female survivors, and one member was actually booted because they were displaying tendencies to be sexually abusive themselves, and we as group members called them on their b.s. That was a huge turning point for many of us, myself included.

I am no professional, but I'm also no rookie either. I believe in my heart that you are doing well to talk about this stuff in a safe, moderated environment, WITHOUT having to go into tons of specifics, and that if you continue to do so, you WILL continue to heal.

My prayers are with you. I mean that. I am a man, and I am a GOOD man that wishes you no harm, and wants NOTHING THING from you. I only mention my experience because allowing something so awful that happened to me to actually HELP another human being, if possible, is still an important part of me having worth.

I hope that maybe you are able to find some healing in any small part of what I have said. Again, I honestly believe you are doing the right things to heal. I hope I'm right.

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Hi Kkf08,

I am sorry to hear of your struggles.

I can only second old-schools wise words in the reply to you,

Such wise words

Best wishes 🌼🌺 xx

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abandonment issues.....google this....it's why you hold onto a relationship that you know is not good for you....and your holding on to what you would hope it would be....but the reality is that he's a jerk....are you in love with the idea of being in love...are your fears of being alone overriding the fact that he is treating you like crap....I held onto unhealthy relationships way way too long because I didn't understand my fears of abandonment.

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Thanks for reply ! Once again I’ve been alone my whole life, I don’t jump from men to men, and don’t have sex often, I wouldn’t say abandonment is my issue, I would say I hold onto friendships and relationships that I know are toxic because of my past , childhood, me wanting attention and to be loved.... I actually used to be so disgusted with men and the thought of them around me (see my previous reply .) I actually do love him for the person he is, not love him because I am in love. I should say the person he WAS( not now, cause he treats me horrible.) but we started off as friends and he was , he was perfect at first , but maybe he did that only to get me.

I’m not afraid to be alone, I love being alone , a little too much , I feel I’m holding onto him because he was the only one there for me when I had issues and to talk.... I have tons of issues, I don’t see how anyone can deal with me, but I have been depressed for awhile (im the type of depress to lock myself in the room , loss of hunger, sleep , stress , etc., not wanting to go out, loss of motivation .) and I moved to a new city and met him here , I don’t have friends or family here , they’re thousands of miles away, and I’m always alone, even with him, because I’m a flight attendant , im always working and gone , im alone on layovers, im alone when I come back, im alone a lot....

And I’ve been clinging onto him and that now more than ever..

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So true, faux. "Love don't love nobody"

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Well he sound like a big jerk, let him go he's obviously not the right one, no guy should make you feel that way about yourself you're giving him too much power. And im truly sorry about what you went through with your dad.

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I have a very abusive father, and lost a lot of decades trying to win his approval. A son wanting a father's approval is pretty normal, but I know in my heart that this is something that's simply not going to happen, or at least is highly unlikely at this stage of the game. You see, he is nearly 77 and narcissistic, and I am nearly 50, so, yup, probably not gonna suddenly change.

Here's the hitch, though, and the thing that MAYBE might be sort of similar. I have discovered that, 3 out of the 4 long term relationships I was in, a total of 25 years of my life, were with women who's overall disposition was a lot like my father's. I believe that sub-consciously I was choosing women a lot like him hoping to gain approval from someone similar, but just the opposite sex. I have no attraction for men, so naturally these relationships were with women, but in a weird way, they were very much like my father as far as their personality is concerned.

If you see a similarity to what I am now aware of in myself, maybe you can avoid the same pitfall that I now see I had fallen into. Ask yourself, do you find yourself drawn to people that are like your father and find yourself trying to "win them over?" If so, I can say that I made that mistake sub-consciously, and it didn't work out very well in my case, anyhow.

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Thank you so much ! You have given me the best advice ever ! Honestly I never looked at it like that .... what initially attracts me to someone is their personality , then they change .. maybe similar to my father , because everyone who knows or meets him thinks that’s he’s the greatest person ever (outside of my family.) his image he portrays to others is totally opposite of the person he actually is.

Maybe I am picking men with similar traits, I have dated assholes, narcissistic men all of my life. When they do something wrong, they tend to make it seem like I’m the issue , and I end up apologizing and feeling sorry because I want the attention I guess I never got .

Crazy part is growing up, I never incisions myself getting married, planning my perfect wedding , browsing through wedding decor, as most young girls do, because I never truly believed (and still believe) I’ll get married .

I don’t even want marriage or anything serious because of my parents marriage and relationship, what I have seen growing up.

I have not healed from my past, nor have I told anyone or talked to anyone I’ve dated about what happened to me, nor have I got the help I should’ve ...

It happened from 12-15 (16) years of age , and my father was my first.

It’s played a big part in messing up my head, I kind of want to take control of my life as well, and stop feeling so depressed and sorry for myself

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I don't actually give advice, only make suggestions based on what has worked for me, or sometimes has worked for people I trust. As far as your head being "screwed up," I actually sort of doubt It's your head that's screwed up. More than likely, your just exactly like so many others that have been affected by similar abuse, myself included, and had the same responses as any other in the same circumstances who's brain function is not impaired. Victoms ate not mentally ill. Rapists are.

You've taken the whole ride, as long as you were abused, so, yeah, you've likely tried to change attire to be less attractive, makeup, even tried to find ANYTHING ENJOYABLE about the abuse itself to try to avoid the awful feeling, especially if you KNEW it was likely to keep happening, and we're trying to think of ANYTHING to cope. Maybe not bathing? Weight gain or liss to try to be less attractive? Ummmm, probably were TOLD how unattractive you were by your rapist, and how no-one would ever want you?

All normal.

How about when your body would register a pleasure sensation? Oh that can be a real bear, until someone points out that those physical responses are how God made our human bodies work, but our parents weren't actually supposed to become rapists. That part is the abnormal behavior.

That physical stuff happens to men who are victims too. I never blamed myself because I had worn something, "pretty," because i am a man, but ANY woman or girl that has suffered ongoing sexual abuse deals with that, and I know this because you are FAR from being the first woman I have met that's been through what you have, and I tend to listen a lot closer than most give me credit for. NORMAL

It's my hope that my being very direct about some of the most damaging lies it is NORMAL for sexual abuse victoms to tell themselves, as well as the fact that actually TRYING to figure out a way to "be okay" with ongoing rape through attempts to IMAGINE ourselves learning to actually enjoy it, being VERY normal stuff may help you to throw a LOT of the really WORST part of what wasn't your fault, feels weird or is so secret you thought no-one could ever respect you if they knew OFF OF YOU AND RIGHT IN THE GARBAGE PAIL WHERE IT BELONGS.

Breathe, relax, and know you are going to be more okay than you ever thought was possible, and SOON TOO.

Rock on little sister. You did it. You took steps to heal yourself. The stuff I am telling you I only found out because kind people helped me with the same gentle understanding and explanations.

Print this if you want. Keep It for as long as you can. Do for others as I am happy to do for you when opportunities present themselves and YOU feel It's a good, right and appropriate time to do so.

Also, don't try to give ME credit for YOUR hard work. You asked for help understanding what happens inside of you. That's your victory, not mine or anyone else's.

If some of the things I experienced DON'T match your experiences exactly, don't take offense, and do NOT disregard what doesn't for exactly, but put it away for a rainy day. You will likely meet people that it MAY help as you journey through life, and it will help you better understand them too.

Breathe. Relax. Rejoice. SMILE. Cry. Laugh. Do a cartwheel. Do something nice for someone you love. (Even if It's YOURSELF!) Paint something, or go to a museum with your cell phone turned off and no internet for 3 or 4 hours. Go to a lake or a stream and put your feet in the water. Whatever. It's your life. :)

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