I Know

[ACCFDestiny]

I get it. I’m depressed. I have anxiety. I’m autistic. I hate going out. I’m terrified of other people. I’m a hermit. I can’t take care of myself. I get it.

I’m an inconvenience.

To myself. And yes, I know, to you. Contrary to your belief, I am indeed aware that I am an inconvenience to you. I’m a parasite to you. When I listed off everything that’s wrong with me and how much I hate it and how much I hate that other people get angry with me because they don’t like how I am, I was completely aware that you’re dealing with me and that it’s problematic. I am not oblivious to the damage that I do every day by existing around you. You always tell me to push through things, because things just “have to get done”, but I’m not like you. I can’t just get up and get over these problems. I spend every moment of every day thinking about it. All of it. Not that that matters. To you.

I’m everyone’s diary. I open up when you want me to, I close when you want me to, I take every beating and all of your harsh words and rants and mark them down for you forever. But like a diary, I cannot speak to you about my problems. Not because I am incapable, but because it’s further problematic.

All of my problems apparently aren’t my problems. They’re yours.

I’m inconvenient. I’m a waste of a person. I should just kill myself already.

I get it.

I’ve been thinking about it for days.

Get

out

of

my

head.

[hypercat54]

Hi you do sound down. I doubt whether others get angry coz of what you are and your illnesses, if they did then they wouldn't choose to be around you would they? It's much more likely to be the way you deal with your illnesses. You have little control over your illnesses but you do have all the control in the world over how you deal with them.

I will give you an example: There are 2 blind people. The first one feels very sorry for themselves, thinks they are in the way, apologises to others for being blind and needy and is constantly thinking about themselves and is clearly unhappy. They look depressed and sunk in themselves.

The second blind person on the other hand while they hate being blind has accepted it and thought of ways to still live a good life. They are cheerful engaging company who join in conversations and listen to others. If they need help they ask for it without embarrassment because they still know their own value.

See what I am saying. No matter what is wrong with you it is the way you deal with it which is important. You are still a worthwhile and valuable human being if you let yourself believe it. You are not your illnesses but you a genuine unique human being who like all of us gets to choose their own destiny.

I do hope you are seeing a doctor and having some medical help for your feelings. x