Introducing myself & my story #breakthestigma #dontfilterfeelings

[Becky_boo0]

Hey everyone im Becky , 30 and a mother of 3 children ages between 10 & 10months old.

I started having intrusive thoughts about harming loved ones in 2014 particularly my youngest, i think in reflection was because she was very young vulnerable & depended on me fully.

I had always thought OCD was cleaning,germs and checking because of the social media stigma.

so when these thoughts popped up i honestly thought i was a very disturbed & some kind of psycopath!! i reasearched, i could bear being alone with my daughter, i avoided being on my own with her because at least around people she would be safe, carrying her downstairs would cause more thoughts, i was hiding sharp objects just incase my thoughts meant id lose control and do something. some family called me a psyco.

it took 10 months to recieve a diagnosis ...and a little more time to understand that intrusive thoughts are the opposite of our core values & by reacting to the thoughts by having compulsions was teaching my brain thoughts had power and could have a potential risk of being real.

I was offerer citalopram, which made me feel sick constantly then tried in sertraline, but it didnt agree with me. so i decided to tried lifestyle changes & cut out caffine as much as possible.

by the time i was at the top of the list for CBT therapy, i was barely having any intrusive thoughts or anxiety at all. i was busy with a new social media business, lots of friends and product meetings and also my eldest who has attachment disorder was keeping me on my toes so i just didnt have the time to be obsessing about thoughts.

by December 2016 i was in my 1st trimester with our 3rd child, my business was no longer working

my eldest's difficulties were out of control & was often aggressive pysically towards me and the home doubled up with all day nausea i felt pretty crap, i hate the cold too & always feeling cold ...

i started having intrusive thoughts agaon only this time they were about harming myself rather than my children, then i was constantly worrying that i didnt know if i wanted another baby or not wether id love him or not.

i self refferred to Iapt and was seen by the end of January 2017, again by wich point the thoughts had simmered back down again.

2017 was a horrendous year, police constantly here due to my son being in crises and almost daily smashing the home up, attacking me, attacking staff in school his time table reduced ...you name it , it was going off, i begged for respite so i could at least get a break to recover from injuries and the emotional & mental strain but i was refused i got little help or support.

by the time my youngest was born my eldest sons behaviour had settled down massivly! we barely saw any aggresive behaviour! ...

so things were settled & we started enjoying being a family unit again, my baby was thriving we all were!

in September 2017 i went away with some friends for a convention, that evening i felt sick and got anxious that i had a bug, i have a big fear of being sick im sure its emetphobia ...that night nausea and then anxiety through the roof, i had a bad nightmare in which i told people i didnt want to be here anymore, i woke straight up shivering & so exhausted that i panicked even more about why i would dream something like that. the next day i was so tired i couldnt continue at the convention & paid almost £100 train fare to get myself home and slept almost 24hrs.

My baby was waking most mornings at 3/4am i was getting up and by the time he went back to sleep my older 2 were up for school ...by the time they left baby would wake again ...so i generally wasnt even napping in the day..i was just powering through from 3/4am until crashing at 7/8pm. so most days i was up 17 sometimes 18hrs straight.

in october 2017 i was suffering with joint pain, my fingers, knuckles, knees,toes ached so badly i struggled to get up stairs, my elbows were swelling some of mt knuckles had swollen, so i was sent for a blood test to rule out rhuematism, my test result was clear, my Thyroid Stimulating Hormone (TSH) came back at 1.4 so within normal range but my vitamim D levels came back at 22 which was quite noticeably low and was the culprit for the joint pains. i was put on 50,000units of Vit D a week for 8 weeks, i managed 5 weeks and forgot the others and forgot to go back to have another test to ensure they had gone back up.

December rolled round my baby ended up in hospital with bronchiolitis, our kitchen was getting refurbed 15 days before christmas ...things were chaotic to say the least.

then the entire family caught rotavirus, my partner was ill and all 3 children, i tool antisickness tablets but rather than me feeling better i felt nauseated all night had terrible toileting and was so redicoulously drained ...that the thoughts popped up again i felt so ill i was having thoughts about not wanting to be here again! i then recovered after 3 days of having no energy at all.

christmas came and went ...no friends visiting i wasnt doing anything to get out and about my partner had been taking quite some time off work so i guess i got used to him being around. then 1 night towards the end of february this year i had terrible anxiety and the thoughts of harming my baby popped back up so i forced myself to be at home with the baby alone as much as possible and doing my best not to allow myself to have compulsions i knew myself i would NEVER EVER harm anyone let alone my baby. after a week they simmered down again, but the theme of the thoughts changed back to not wanting to be here no more, the thoughts made me feel sick constantly i was researching, catastrophizing and just an anxious wreck i couldnt cope being alone, threw out tablets, hid things because they were triggering and i was scared id do something.

i self refferred again to IAPT, it got ignored, i text our family social worker that i thought maybe i had post natal depression she ignored it.

i ended up ringing the crises team i was exhausted pysically, mentally & emotionally i was barely eating anything through constantly feeling sick constantly shivering. our social worker then came out and said she didnt think it was my OCD, she said i was in denial & was actually suicidal! ...yet all of my behaviour was compulsions to prevent me acting on my thoughts because the idea terrified me! she stated she thought i was hiding things so i knew were they were when i came to doing something

told me i must be honest with the mental health team because i knew so much about OCD that i was able to convince people i was ok when really i wasnt ...she had me doubting myself and i made the mistake of believing her..so.i was unable to get any comfort or reassurence from the mental health team then sent home even more frightened

24hrs later i was back in A & E stating i didnt want to be here no more. the duty psychiatrist sat saying i had post natal depression & was concerned my anxiety was going to lead me to being impulsive! so she just delivered a level of certainty that TERRIFIED me and had me believe that what she was saying was true before sending me home again!

i wasnt able to cope so placed myself on a voluntary section at a unit miles away from my children and my baby, i took one of his blankets with me and cried all the way there, i slept for well over a day before i came out of my room. was started on Mirtazapine & lorazepam ..by day 2 i was much more myself, my anxiety to a minimum!

i was discharged home on the 15th of march this year. i see a CPN once every 2 weeks and seen a Psychiatrist once for a review who told me my medication needed increasing and wouldnt confirm if it was all my OCD i didnt feel depressed i was just sick of all these thoughts going round when all i wanted was for them to stop going round and round all day long. ive now been on 30mg of mirtazapine for almost 3 weeks since having them increased...the thoughts are there almost every day now, i try to do positive things i try mindfulness but without much luck all im told is to find distractions!

i dread waking up in a morning with the little one (5am) because i know the thoughts will be there again im going to bed anxious knowing they will be there...

the mirtazapine should be helping by now but there has been no difference.

i have been feeling like i have no energy at all constantly wanting to sleep, my muscles feel like ive been in the gym all day and my joints are starting to ache again.

a friend suggested i get my vitamin D, Iron & thyroid checked as she explained alot of my symptoms were consistent with a under active thyroid.

such as

joint & muscle pains / weakness

always feeling cold

ridged brittle nails

rough skin patches on my elbows

no energy & feeling constantly fatigued

neck aches & headaches

dizzy spells

feeling agitated

along with the anxiety & depression.

so ive got another blood check coming up

part of me hopes its something simple like my thyroid because at least then it can be treated and il feel better.

anyway thanks for reading

[fauxartist]

I very sorry your going through a horrific time, have the staff at the hospital done a full medical work up one you including blood work?

[Becky_boo0 in reply to fauxartist]

they did a weight, height check.

then had to had my blood pressure and temp done each day ...a few times they did ask if i suffered with low blood pressure etc i said no.

they brought a doctor to see me asked if i had dizzy spells often such as going dizzy & vision black outs when i stand which i said i did. then had an ECG for no more than a few moments which they said was fine.

they did take a blood sample as standard ..but they seem to have lost the results etc and due to me no longer being a patient they said they should of been sent to my Gp which they havnt been. they advised me to dicuss with my CPN suggesting he may have them ...thinking that was just an excuse to get me off the phone more than anything.

routine bloods havnt been done since october by my Gp. i have a blood request to have done this monday gp is checking TSH, Vitamin D, ferratin & standard heamogoblin.

if im honest im not sure mirtazapine is working for me...that or its making me worse im not sure.

after reviewing the thyroid Uk check list i suffer the following :

excessive tiredness

always cold (its been 24c here today and ive had the heating on and fleece pj's!

slow movement / co ordination

memory fog

pins & needles along with numbness in hands

muscle weakness

zero libido

joint aches especially shoulders,elbows,wrists,knees & feet

intolerance to the cold

dizzy spells

frequent sore throat / swollen glands

had post nasal drip last year that took months to shift

mental sluggishness

poor concentration

loss of drive

post natal depression

easily upset / super sensitive

sensitive to loud noises

depressive symptoms

anxiety

agitated feelings in the body / feeling wired

ringing in ears / requently 'popping'

headaches / neckache

wrist weakness/aches

carpel tunnel

ridged nails

brittle hair & some thining areas

swing between constipation / diarrhea

rough skin patches on elbows

mood swings

When my vitamin D levels were low in october i didnt realise that if those are low..it is linked to an abnormally functioning thyroid but due to my TSH coming back in the 'normal' range it wasnt flagged up (TSH isnt enough to go on but gp says they dont do a full thyroid panel so id have to pay privately)

[hypercat54 in reply to Becky_boo0]

Hi you have been through an awful time and I hope it is slowly getting better for you.

Some of the symptoms you describe sound like an under active thyroid and a simple blood test will confirm it. I have a borderline under active thyroid which is just within normal limits but I am still getting some symptoms. I would recommend you join the thyroid group on here and ask them for advice.

As for your mirtazapine it can take up to 6 weeks for them to fully get into your system. If you find after this time that they aren't helping then go back to your doctor as they might need upping or even changing. I am on sertraline and this was the 3rd attempt to find ones which helped me as it is not an exact science.

You seem to be getting some help so have hope that things will start picking up for you soon. x

[Becky_boo0 in reply to hypercat54]

I was started on them on the 9th of march 15mg ...i had 4 really good weeks then i started going downhill again so they were in creased to 30mg on the 17th of April. just under 3 weeks since.

im on the thyroid group..they said doctors said they only check TSH level which im told isnt enough to go by. im told il have to pay privatly for a full thyroid funtion test. which is money i dont have.

[Wislaw in reply to Becky_boo0]

Some of the symptoms you've listed above are also side effects of the Mirtazapine. So it could be the Mirtazapine making you feel this way.

[Becky_boo0 in reply to Wislaw]

i was having these symptoms way before taking mirtazapine...

and ive not taken any other medication prior either so i know its not the tablets.

[Becky_boo0]

i had these symptoms before being on mirtazapine.

[Imakook]

Hi, BeckyBoo!

Wow! What a heaping plate of "when it rains, it pours" you've been forced to eat. It seems never-ending! I pray you'll find comfort and/or respite soon. Is your partner helping with the kids, or at least you?

What I do know about medical "professionals" and follow-through is to be persistent. I've been working with medical personnel for lots of years, especially regarding arthritis.

In 2012, I was having knee pain. The doc, who had previously repaired both of my rotator cuffs, thought I should wait for 10 years before I had my knees replaced. I was sent to see a dr. for rheumatoid arthritis. Although negative, he said, "You tell your dr, when you need a knee replaced. The dr. doesn't tell you!" So I found a dr. who fully checked it out & ordered an x-ray, which clearly showed it was needed.

Then, in 2016, I needed my other knee replaced. I found a good knee surgeon, and this wasn't an issue.

In 2016, when I was still having knee pain, the surgeon kept saying, "The knee is doing great!" I insisted I was having pain down my right leg, left hip & more. His PA took a look and said she thought it was my back.

An MRI revealed I had nerves that were being pinched by my spine, (spinal stenosis), which needed a horrifying surgery. I have 2 rods, 3 fake discs, 17 screws & 2 synthetic bone grafts.

I'm still recovering, but it had gone undiagnosed for 6 years.

So, something will reveal itself to you. You may even be on recovery road and just don't know it yet! At least you've been persistent!

[Becky_boo0 in reply to Imakook]

Yep ...but somehow i power through...ive had bloods done & currently saving to have a full thyroid panel done privatly as NHS wont do one. thank you for your kind words. yes my partner is fully supportive