Anxiety and Depression Support
19,630 members16,748 posts

Caught husband

A little about me.. I’m 27 and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 14. I’m also a recovering alcoholic and addict. I got married in January 2017 and before that we were together for about 6 months. I can say now that we rushed into things and he also spent the first 8 months of marriage in jail...

So last night I caught my husband looking at porn. I asked him what he was looking at and said he was just looking at YouTube videos. But when I looked through his phone I found that he had a separate web browser and indeed was looking at porn. I looked the history and there’s many times he’s been watching porn and what really hurt was when he searched for singles in the area.

I’m completely distraught and I have no idea what I should do. I’m always welcome to go back to stay with my mom but I would hate to give up. And this isn’t the first time he has lied, but it’s the first time I found out his lying had to do with sex. I need help...

16 Replies
oldestnewest

Talk about it. I’m a husband and far from perfect, but one thing that can make or break a relationship I feel is being honest about your feelings.

Porn addiction or sex addiction is as real of a problem as any other and it may be hard for him to tell his wife that he has a problem.

1 like
Reply

How very true.

Ive seen marriage break ups from the pair not talking together.

Its the kind of caveman emotions

Husband comes home after really working so hard.husband feels shit as he has say 4 yrs of marriage with husband being man isn’t aloud to chat about feelings and motions.

That’s society for you.

Husband goes to pub gets drunk to quash his feelings.

Husband returnes home.wife in bed asleep.

This goes on for yrs and yrs.

Wife annoyed as husband as he never at home.

Husband feels even worse.

Husband confides in a women at pub.

Bosh wife leaves,

Ive seen it happen so many times.

Ive helped some of my mates and they feel better as I’ve told them to give them selves firstly to feel shit.

Go speak to wife as she may be feeling the same.

Take this as you will.

I’m so very lucky as I have adult ADHD and I’m totally open to my emotions and feelings.

Funny thing is my wife ain’t to good at explaining her feelings.

Just as well I can feel her feelings and got it down to tea how to read her brain and fascial expressions and tone of voice.

Problem with that now is I give her the answer to her feelings and so there for she doesn’t actually need to say anything which then makes her lazy and selfish in the marriage.

1 like
Reply

Hey there.

So first thing if it’s ok.?

How long have you been clean from you habits

Reply

Oh I’ve done a lot of talking and accusing. And it may be wrong to say but it would make me feel better if what is going on is an addiction, but he said he doesn’t have a problem. Although he is also a recovering drug addict as well.

Reply

I will be clean and sober 2 years in July.

1 like
Reply

Nice one keep it going,

Ive just remembered that I’ve been clean for 15yrs plus half a month.

I bought a flat with my girlfriend.

I was lacking confidence badly and could never be on my own liking my own company.

Basically she was my addiction and drug partner. After 9 months in to the mortgage and her coming back one day saying she had quit her job,stole approximately £700 I came back one day from work,she was in the bath,

I walked in and just said. Hey you’ve got a month to find some where to live.she also went behind my back and to top it all of I even dropped the guy of at his house.

Couldn’t deal with the impossible feelings.

With in that month she left drugs around for me to find and be tempted but wow I knew then I had a strong will.

She even left condom boxes around and she would leave her clothes out for the clubbing with her smallest skirt and top.yer it bloody hurt.

After she left I started meditation and wow it was great.it was hard getting used to my own company but I bloody did it and I’m here to tell the tale. Just shows you how wicked some one can be especially about drugs.

Reply

That’s where I am with my wife. But she knows she’s dealing with things but refuses help. I’ve finally got her in a position where she is going to get help because I never let up.

Reply

I have told him we need to go to marriage counseling or I am leaving, but do you think I should also tell him he needs personal professional help?

Reply

Hey,if I were you I would go to marriage counselling and perhaps the councillor will pick the issues up.

If a person can stand tall hands and totally admit to there issues,well that’s half the job done.its a darn lot harder admitting as then re building.

I don’t know the situation but behavioural therapy is kinda cool and can be fun if with the correct therapist

Reply

redbookmag.com/love-sex/sex...

This will probably be taken down but I always assumed that most men watch porn ( i am female). I guess it may depend on how you view it or how "bad" it was ; (and I expect most people would know what i mean by that) The "looking for singles " would be a bit more worrying to me; I can understand why that would upset you. The main thing is we are all individual. If it bothers you then you need to talk to him about it but you can't make him now "unlook" for singles so maybe the "damage" has already been done to your trust.Trust is very difficult to rebuild and is individual. I am having trouble retrusting a friend at the moment over a completely different issue. I am still working on it and hope it can be done but it's not easy and I'm still not sure.

Just my take. Meant in kindness. Gemmalouise xx

PS. Sorry just read your latest reply. It depends is it an addiction or something he has just done a bit but the main thing as I said is that it's obvious its broken your trust and that's the main thing.

1 like
Reply

From the web history it shows that it’s everyday for maybe an hour or two. The porn wouldn’t upset me so much if he didn’t lie about it. Or if he didn’t come out of no where on certain occasions and say that he has never watched anyone else or touched himself since being together.

Reply

Like I didn’t even ask him all that.

Reply

People lie about things they don't want to be found out in but they like doing. He didn't tell you or should I say lied because he thought (or knew) it was unacceptable to you but he still wanted to do it. Simple as that. I don't know if one or two hours a day is excessive, i really don't know what is the average if there is one as it's something I think probably a lot of people lie about though it does sound like quite a lot to me. Being honest it would worry me if it was that much and that often. You have decisions to make girl as you said.... xx

Reply

I think it is quite too much as well. Thank you for your reply

Reply

I'm sorry your really probably hurt by finding out about the dating site, but you know, if it was just a guy watching porn once in a while, I wouldn't worry too much, yeah that puts a lot of women off, but I have worked with all men for over 30 years and guys are guys.Yes some women think it's cheating, I don't like it but that would not bother me as much as the sex sites. the fact that he's actively looking for sex on a site...that's the red line for me...and the reason I'm in the process of a divorce....that's exactly how I found out about the cheating...sex hook up sites......now you don't join those sites for kicks.....you are on them to cheat. Get your ducks in a row, talk to him head on, and if you get any BS about him just checking it out....no....he put some thought into it for a reason....

1 like
Reply

If he lies, he lies. If knows how to lie about one thing, when will he not lie?

Stopped loving my ex when that happened. Won't tell you what he was doing, but I ended up ill from him sharing what he was sharing with other women.

Hope you are attending NA. You need the support and contact with others keeping clean in spite of everything.xxx

1 like
Reply

You may also like...