New Here, Not New to GAD and MDD

[SM3805]

This is tough for me, I'm not good at socializing or asking for help. A little background: I have lived with depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. When they flare up it can render me paralyzed. I have been hospitalized twice as an adult for these conditions.

I know the root of my GAD and MDD are definitely genetic and environmental. I have numerous triggers. SSRIs only added to my issues. The second time I was hospitalized I met a wonderful psychiatrist who saw through my B.S. as unfortunately I tend to try to paint a rosy picture when speaking to medical professionals. He kept me there for 5 days instead of the 72 hours. He listened to my concerns about SSRIs and found a good alternative for me with Remeron. He also kept me on Xanax for the anxiety. I continued to see his wife who is a certified mental health r.n. I can't thank these two enough for helping me get through a horrible time in my life. I haven't needed to see them for nearly 5 years.

I also have a form of rheumatoid arthritis that plays into all of this. I was under the care of a pain management doctor for a few years. However, I made a choice to stop the cycle of pain meds.

Currently I am off of all narcotic pain meds and the Xanax. I found that with my family history of alcoholism and drug abuse, I was traveling down a dark road and I needed to clear my head. I have not needed the remeron for roughly 3 years. My family practice doctor has prescribed lyrica for my pain, and it works incredibly well, and I know I'm not going to end up leaving my daughter without a mom.

I have made large transitions since my last hospitalization. I quit my job in education, music teacher, after a 13 year stint. It was the best decision I have made in a very long time. I found with teaching elementary music, all the programs and shows that were expected triggered my anxiety. I am now with a major retail company and enjoy my job immensely. I am up for a promotion and I am finding myself anxious and scared. I am worried that if I get this promotion that I am somehow going to fail my manager and store. I so want this promotion and I need help to overcome this stupid, nagging, fear of failure. So I googled depression and anxiety support and found this group. There is a ton more to the story, but today is just an introduction.

[jkl5500]

The cruel thing about depression and anxiety is that it tends to "freeze" us in our misery. We are suffering terribly, but we are too scared to make any changes to better ourselves.

You must have been very competent in your job to be considered for a promotion. Management already has confidence in you, so there's no reason for you not to have it. Everyone has fear of the unknown, and anxiety sufferers have it even more, so I understand your concern. But look at the other people there who already have that position. Are they a bunch of geniuses? Or are they just average folks who worked their way up? I'll bet they're average folks, and that means you'll fit right in with no problem.

[SM3805 in reply to jkl5500]

Thank you for responding. You are so right about being frozen. And you are also correct about the managers who have worked their way up. I have witnessed quite a few come and go, and I guess my fear is that with my anxiety/depression that the pressure of the job is going to trigger bad things. But, you are right, I know my store manager has the upmost confidence in me. Now I just need to face it head on and figure out a way to not let these issues let me get in the way of what I know I can do. Does that make sense?

[jkl5500 in reply to SM3805]

Yes, that does make sense. My suggestion is to approach it the way others on this site approached starting a completely new job. As you would expect, their anxiety filled them with unnecessary fear and self-doubt. I would tell them, "You know you can do this. It's the constant thinking and worrying about it all day long that's going to wear you out. So just distract yourself with other activities. Save your energy for the job!"

You have an advantage over those people because you already know how the business works. You're not going in completely "cold". You're just moving up the ladder a little and taking a higher position that you wanted and earned. Congratulations! I'm sure that, like everyone else, you'll be a little unsure at first, but you'll settle in quickly.

[SM3805 in reply to jkl5500]

Funny you should say save your energy for the job. When I am at work it's like my sanctuary, even though it's fast paced and many times stressful, especially working with the public. My coworkers don't understand why I would feel that way. It's quite simple, when I am at work, my brain is at work, there is never a dull moment. At the moment I work 4 days on 3 days off, 10 hour shifts. The 3 days off is what gets my brain going in the wrong direction. So this week on my three days off, I have tried to stay busy and out of my head, clearly it is not working. But, I will get there. If I am chosen for this promotion, I will not let my brain get in the way. At least I will keep reminding myself of this. And when I'm at home I've got to learn to keep that in my head. We live with my mil in a walk out ranch, so basically separate dwellings but she still manages to stir the pot very often as she has rapid cycling bipolar (refuses meds as many do). Part of me, on a personal level, wants this job because it is salaried and I can be at work as long as I need to be.

Thank you again for reading and lending some advice, I appreciate it very much.

[gerg]

Always do your best, and accept all that comes from it.

The stories of failure, that you tell yourself, are 100% irrational. The reality is that your chances of succeeding way out weigh those of failure. The change of perspective that you need is 180 degrees from where you are at. If you don't like all or part of a story that you are telling yourself, change it to something you like. I ask myself "why would I want that story" It is a choice that a story serves you, so pick a good one and watch it come true.

[SM3805 in reply to gerg]

I am trying so hard to do this. Trying to stay out of my head, my normal irrational thoughts. I'd say it's 50/50 right now. I just need to find new coping mechanisms.

Thank you very much for your honesty and words. That means a great deal to me.

[Dubba61]

Hello SM. You where a Teacher and therefore intelligent enough to know that your fear of failure is mostly unfounded. The manager obviously thinks your good enough for this promotion and you must believe he's right. You say that you like this job and i think that is half the battle to being good at your job. Because you have had Mental health issues in the past, you fear you,ll have them again. I feel that way to and this illness does sap our confidence. Bottom line is you know you can do this job and i believe you can too. Best wishes.😊🌻👍

[SM3805 in reply to Dubba61]

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is very easy for me to slip into the "I suck at everything" mode. I know it is unfounded, but sometimes my brain tells me otherwise. I know a lot of this is being triggered by my home situation. But, I have to tell myself that I made this career change for a very good reason and I'm not gonna let my brain or other people outside of work dictate what happens elsewhere. That's just really hard to do sometimes.

I truly appreciate you taking the time to read and reply to my post.

[Dubba61 in reply to SM3805]

Your very welcome. Yes, that's a the Spirit! I too have issues from my Childhood. But, now I'm older i am teaching myself to move forward and not look back. Some days are hard especially in Winter (and we've just had an awful one) but i wont let my negative my thoughts overwhelm me. Do let me​ know how you get on with the job. I am sending you my best wishes. 😊🌻✌️Dee