I have a loved one, my mother, who shows all the signs of depression. To the point of expressing she “just doesn’t want to be here anymore”. I have watched her struggle & suffer in various ways my entire life, I’m 46. I have memories from childhood of her locked in her bedroom with a gun, threatening to kill herself. She has never actually attempted anything beyond threats. And has mellowed in her intensity for anger as she has gotten older. But the depressive episodes still continue. She has refused all suggestions of seeking professional help. And is emphatically against even considering any medication of any kind. Except all natural supplements. She does take Saint John’s wort. There are so many obvious signs that indicate she suffers from a form of depression. And I see so many of the warning signs that are recommended to watch for. I live with the fear of the worst possibility every time she spirals down. She has always lashed out at me, I’ve developed a pretty thick skin in that aspect. I have ultimately always forgiven her every time. But I have emotional scars too none-the-less. In the past my Grandparents were there to help with support for my mom & I both. But now it’s just the two of us. There is no other family to turn to. I feel a great responsibility to not just abandon her. I fully realize I can’t fix my mother. But I would desperately like to stop repeating this cycle with her. And help her in all ways I can.
Right now, she won’t talk to me. We live 3 hours apart so I’m limited to the phone mostly to communicate. I try to call often, and we usually talk regularly. When I realized it had a few days since we last talked. I called, she said she was sleeping & would call me back later. The next evening I called again. I know she never goes out at night. Because she has trouble seeing to drive at night. She didn’t answer any calls or texts. Of course I worry something has happened. I leave messages to please just let me know she is okay. She had done this before so I don’t panic yet. But the awful feeling of worrying til then is terrible. Finally I get a text saying “stop calling me”. That’s all she says. I responded: well thank you for at least letting me know you’re okay. What’s wrong mom? Inwardly I’m angry that I have to go through those awful scared emotions that way. I hadn’t even talked to her to know anything was wrong. I was then told to leave her alone. That I only talk at her & not to her. And until I figure that out ....To leave her alone. I only make it worse for her.
I admit that there are times when it becomes impossible for me to not let my own feelings affect things. She can be extremely difficult to discuss things with. But when she’s like this, I honestly try to be empathetic & non judgmental with her. I try to gently reinforce the positive. And not continue to fixate on the negative. I ask her & offer to help her with whatever she is having a hard time with. I go to spend time with her & ask her if there’s any physical tasks I can do for her. I know it can be hard to live alone. I want to help her... AND I’m learning there are things to not say to someone who’s suffering from depression. But I struggle with a lifetime of my own scars sometimes too when dealing with her. It’s never my intention to hurt her & make her life worse. I’m cognitively aware that it’s not me that makes her life worse. But I’d be lying if I said I’m not still affected by being blamed for it. I’m struggling to keep perspective. She’s my mom & I love her. It hurts me to see her suffer like she does. But I’m becoming unsure of everything I need to say to her. I don’t want to let this destroy our relationship. Please I need help on what to do.... 😪.
Also I have tried to talk to her doctor when I took her to an appointment. But was told by the receptionist he would not see me, not even to just listen to me. She has one friend that I tried to talk to. But that didn’t help... my mom doesn’t let everyone see what I’ve seen. Or hear what she says to me. I won’t give up trying... but what do I actually do?
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You are such a good person, I feel for you. Taking care of yourself is the number one priority. I think that it is important to communicate with your mother as best you can. I think that you should do it for you first, and let your mother know that she will have to take care of her side of the relationship. The day that you control only you is the day that she looses the control of your emotions.
Thank you Gerg... I try so hard to control how much I let this affect my world I’ve created for myself. We all have our own difficulties we face in life. And I have realized my mom is going to have to help herself make the steps to get better. But for reasons I can’t begin to understand. She firmly believes that no one can help her find a way to not have to feel as badly as she does every day. She won’t see the good it can do to simply talk to a professional who knows what to say to actually give healthy advice. And help lay the footsteps to feeling better. I can’t fix my mother I know. But I desperately pray for the day this happens & she wants to just talk to someone! The draining feeling I can’t seem to help from it all. Would be a welcome absence from my life. And to see her actually happy ....would a reward worth it all. Thank you Gerg... 😊
Yeah I agree with Gerg..look after your self..do you think you may be a little needy or pushy?..I would back off abit..I know she's your mother but you know what she's like.. unless there's unusual patterns in her depression state just let her be..I would just be there for her like you are but the way I would help would be treating her as normal and moving off the topic and spend time with her like visiting, talk about random things, do a chore without asking her , just little things around the house and go back home..keep a little distance between you both but at the same time keeping an eye out..try not to suffocate her and yourself by trying too hard to help..your doing a fantastic job being there for your mother..give eachother space..
Thank you as well, ellinaki. I have learned the hard way over the years to not push my mother too much. The consequences of trying to push, have not been an easy thing to bear or endure I assure you. I am here to express where a lifetime of watching/ dealing with this has brought me to today. To me..it sounds like a broken record. Because it’s happened over & over. I feel partly stupid for not finding a way In all these years to make it stop being a part of my life.
But I have had people give up on me. They have walked out of my life with no explanation. The pain from someone who is family doing that... is the worst pain I have ever known. I simply refuse to under any circumstances choose that as an option. So I continue with this battle with my mom.
If I appear needy here...maybe I am. I am in need from many aspects in this ongoing nightmare of a situation. I’m in constant need of discovering a way to help the both of us. Honestly I have “ backed off” so many times I struggle to not feel inadequate because of it. The unhealthy nature in which it usually occurs for me. Is what I would normally describe as crippling if I were to see it in someone else. But I back off every time, just glad the worst part is over. And allow her to continue as if nothing happened. And then we go shopping..... ha ha☹️. Meanwhile I do all the little things for her as suggested, until the next time it starts all over. It may sound pessimistic here...but it IS my reality. When I reach out like this ...it’s my only hope. So thank you for words & trying to help ...I appreciate it. 😊
Sorry for my delay in responding & thanking you for this logical suggestion. I have considered doing a wellness check before. But each time she has responded just under the wire. Usually with the response “ stop calling me”. Much to my frustration on one side but relief on the other. I have since spoken to her after this last episode. I tried to gently let her know how much stress it causes when she leaves a message with her well being hanging in question like she does. I think she understood. But she wouldn’t give it voice directly. I did get her to tell me her words weren’t implying she was planning to cause herself fatal harm. She said she had lost her desire to live. That if she were to be taken for any reason she would be relieved. Again I was glad to know Suicide wasn’t an immediate worry. But I can’t help but wonder with the hopelessness of such a confession.... if left to linger in such a state. How long can a person bear it. Before it breaks them down to the lowest point?
I appreciate hearing that my frustrated feelings aren’t entirely selfish. That putting someone through this that cares, is not right. Your kind words helped & I thank you 😊
Well it’s been a year since my last post. I am defeated when I say I find myself still in the SAME PLACE with my mother. It’s been a year of the same emotional rollercoaster rides. And no progress toward a way to stop it has been made. I’ve recently had a few bumps in my road with other important relationships in my life. I honestly don’t know why this keeps happening to me. I know I’m not perfect and accept there are things I could have done better. And I’m willing to try to fix them. But I know I’m a good person too. I’ve recently had to consider that perhaps my perception has been molded in a dysfunctional way from a life dealing with my mother. The possibility makes sense, right? .... & perhaps I just don’t realize that I am “the problem”. Am I broken? Or is my “people picker” broken? Or maybe my tolerance for “troubled people” & the their forms of abuse towards me, is that too high? And I just accept too much of their crap. Lol. Idk? Sigh.
But what I do know...is it’s taking its toll on me right now. I’m not a huge social butterfly. And my inner circle of friends has always been on the small side. Ive always been “okay” when I’m alone. And I’ve always recognized the value of those that I am close to. I care deeply & always try to help if it’s in my power to do so. But where I find myself right now in my life is not a place where I want to be. I have many people who I have good relations with. But none that are “mine”. I’m feeling more alone than I ever remember feeling before. Maybe it’s a transformational phase... but I feel a need to make sure that I’m not the reason for it. And if I am I want to fix it... 😢. My soul & inner light feels like it’s literally been beaten the hell out of. I’m struggling to not let the weight of this break me.
I decided to try a meditation class offered at a Buddhist temple. I have a strong distrust of most religions. But believe in a higher power with all my heart. I know nothing about Buddhism. But when kindness & patience is at the root of a philosophy. That calls to my heart like it’s been starving for it. Which I’m thinking is the reason I found myself unable to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks during the entire class. It was extremely awkward as you can imagine. Lol. ...& I was horrified at my lack of self control. But it was the sudden realization of a room full of “kindness” and how long it had been since I FELT that anywhere in my life. It hit me so suddenly, that it I was totally unprepared for it. It was a very emotional day ... lol. But despite my own embarrassment & hope I hadn’t disrupted anyone else’s need to be there. I was glad I had made the decision to try it. I forced myself stay the entire class. To hear the message being given and view it as the greater good. I plan to go next Sunday as well.
I tried to share my experience with my mom. Hoping that maybe talking about it would give me a better understanding of my reaction. But that was a bad idea... it didn’t go well. Sigh.
So my thanks to all who read this. For providing an area for me to share it here with all of you. It really helps getting it out. Instead of just being trapped in my own head.
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