Married with Children: If this applies... - Anxiety and Depre...

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Married with Children

Hopeful-Tinkerbell
Hopeful-Tinkerbell
21 Replies

If this applies I found it interesting. I also heard something very similar in a sermon at church once. It won’t apply to everyone but is not religious in nature. More about having problems with children or your spouse.

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jkl5500

What do you know? Somebody with some old-fashioned common sense. I wonder how long it will be before he loses his newspaper column.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

I’m sorry? What do I know? I learned from my mistakes. My life sucks because I did the exact opposite. My son suffered as well. A friend was going through a similar situation and I posted this for her. I love this article. I believe in it. I’m old fashion too. My kids were spoiled and put first. Then they grew up and left. My husband wants nothing to do with me and I have no life and entitled acting children. Lessons can teach us a lot. People don’t like old fashion values but look at the shape our country is in because of it. Kids back then were raised to have good morals. Now we have Entitled brats eating tide pods and being sexually active by teen age. Lead by example. Learn from my mistakes.

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jkl5500

Thank you for posting this column. These are things that need to be said. I am sorry that your family didn't turn out the way you had hoped. I'm sure you did what you thought was best at the time.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

I thought you were being mean asking me what I know! 😂😂😂 Oh my goodness! You just meant like well, what do you know in general not me. I’m so goofy. I always thought my kids had 18 years to be a child and a lifetime of adult stuff. So I never gave them responsibilities. I never made them do much other than what they wanted. I put them first. I was at there beck and call. Now they act like I still should be and I am for the most part but they act entitled. Like they don’t want to work or clean etc. My mom let me be a kid but when I grew up I changed and matured. My boys haven’t as much. I’m hoping boys maturing slower is real. Someone told me that. 23 and 25 and they’d rather sit and play video games than work. I think a lot of people would but know they also have responsibilities. My step son the 25 year old has a wife and kid and she has trouble with that. He’s lost every job he’s had. My son, 23, works but lives with me and won’t even clean his room. He’s irresponsible with his money. Won’t even try to fix the car he wrecked. He’d rather just drive mine and let me pay the insurance and doesn’t even put gas in it. I was on empty when I went to badminton and then have to pick him up at midnight. He’s a good boy. Not trouble makers. Respectful. (Mostly). Loving and caring. Perfect except the lazy irresponsible part. I’m so glad I misunderstood you! 😂 I hate when I do that. I hate typing. I’m old fashioned. I want to talk. I want to hear someone’s emotion, tone etc. I’ve been worried I upset you all day! I’m an idiot. 😂❤️❤️❤️

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jkl5500

I had no idea my first sentence would be taken the wrong way. I meant, "Well, I'll be dogged..." So sorry for the misunderstanding.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

When I reread it that is the exact country accent and meaning I read it as! Lol. I was hurrying to badminton and a quick read. Misunderstanding was all mine love! I promise you. I’m slow on the processing at times. I bumped my head! 😂 it’s taking a toll. It was actually more like crashed into a tree doing 90-110 mph resulting in me being in a coma. Truly. It’s all me. You’re a sweetie! Are you Southern? I actually am. I totally got it when I read it the second time!!!!

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jkl5500

All's well that ends well. Sorry, but I'm a Yankee. I hope you like me anyway.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

I love all good people! ❤️ and bad I just pray for them from afar if possible.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

The civil war is long gone. I just read that with a southern drawl.

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jkl5500

Somebody wrote a book titled "How to Love a Yankee with a Clear Conscience". So I suppose such people are still around. I meant it as a joke, really.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

Oh yes they are around. There is so much hatred and prejudice in this world. It’s ridiculous. That’s what I hate! Prejudice and hatred!

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jkl5500

I never read that book, but I bet the author was half-joking himself. It's been a long time since those days. So anyhow, I'm glad you posted that article. I don't know if parenting will ever be that way again, but it should be. Take care.

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old-soul

I personally disagree with this philosophy. I believe that I have a responsibility to not only my own children, grand children and further generations, but also to all of the young people today and in the future to leave something to IMPROVE the lives of others, rather than to just take for myself, and leave the generations that follow sort of "holding the bag."

Both the religion of my native American Indian ancestors, and my Christian beliefs seem to point to this. In trying to follow Christ's example, I find that sacrifice of my desire for worldly things in favor of leaving a better world for those that will be here long after I am gone is the number ONE responsibility in showing gratitude for the life I have been given, and the blessings that are within it.

I really don't want to anger anyone with my words. That is not my intent, but I grew up in a home with an abusive and very self-centered parent that saw no reason why he needed to remain faithful to his wife, horded money and bought cars, boats, built himself buildings to store all of the toys HE wanted, while I was malnourished, denied critical medical care repeatedly, and where nothing but the very cheapest of cheap clothing and other basic needs would do where my mom and I were concerned.

Generation after generation have been handed down a world that is more and more broken, and the fact it, I honestly feel that people who don't wish to sacrifice to provide for children should simply choose not to make them.

This author states that, "Mom's and Dad's of the new millennium," were unable to answer the question to pertaining to children being the most important members of the family, he made a very bold statement about a roughly one billion people. This is precisely the kind of black and white thinking that is irresponsible, dangerous and incredibly ignorant. That is like making a blanket statement about French people, men, women, African people, Hispanic people, or any other huge segment of the world's population. It's a recipe for disaster.

Now, on the subject of "most important" member of the family, this is a tricky piece of language, is it not? Should an infant be made to pull their weight and stand on their own two feet within the first year of their lives? Perhaps adults have no responsibility to their children at all.

Here is the long and the short of it, as I see it. As a Christian, what I LEAVE BEHIND in this world is infinantly more important that what I take from it. If I don't leave something behind for the generations to come, who will?

For several hundred years now, it has become common for parents to pass the buck by blaming the world's problems on their own children. 200 years ago there were 800 million people on this planet. Now there are 8 billion.

Each "NEXT" generation was create by those of the previous generation having sex with one another in such a way as to create that new life. That's just a fact. Plain and simple. So, the children who are being put down and scapegoated by the very people who's choices CREATED the lives of those children by their own choices are getting a pretty crappy deal. That's not an opinion, it's a fact.

I personally did not have a choice as to whether I would be born or not, and I also didn't have a choice about being born into a system where I was millions of dollars in debit due to the fact that previous generations had borrowed scammed and schemed so they could party and play, and then blame their children for the mess they had created.

I have personally NEVER fathered a child of my own, because I became aware at a very early age of the fact that there are LOTS of children who are wards of the State because their parents are concerned only for themselves. By the age of 7 I had resolutely decided that I would much rather be a father to an "UNWANTED" child that be so presumptuous as to think that creating yet another life born of my own blood would someone be "BETTER" than a child of different lineage.

At nearly 50 years of age now, I DID have the opportunity to raise such a child for at least the first 9 years of her life. She was born out of wedlock, the daughter of a white woman and a black man, (which was also an ideal of mine when I was very young and being raised by a very bigoted and racist father), becasue children that are born of mixed races are considered to be "less desirable" by even today's standards. That fact disgusts me, and it is a fact. Ask any professional that deals with adoptions in America. It's not nearly as bad as it used to be, but it is still a STAGGERING statistic.

That little girl's father overdosed on crack before she was even born, so there was absolutely NO CHANCE of that man being able to pick that little girl up, give her a hug and tell her she is loved. There was no way for that man to be there to teach her how to ride a bicycle. He could not be there to put her on the bus every morning for school, and to wait for her to arrive home on the bus each afternoon. I DID THAT instead, becasue that little girl DESERVED that just as much as any other kid, whether her bio dad died because of drugs, violence, cancer, or was just one to make more and more babies and then not raise them.

Again, if you're not into self-sacrifice and see children as being the problem, then don't make babies. The children don't HAVE a choice in that decision-making process. Adults do.

PS, I hope you know I care for and respect you sister Tink, and I really hope you are not upset by my reply. I love and respect you as well as ALL of humanity way too much not to speak up and call boy-cow-poop when I think someone is stepping in it. Please don't be mad at me, or think I am attacking you in any way. I am attacking what I believe to be a very dangerous and destructive mind-set.

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jkl5500
jkl5500
in reply to old-soul

It's clear that when we read the article above, we had two completely different reactions to it. I totally agree with the author - the parents are the most important members of the family. Why? Because they have all the responsibility! That's why the author used the examples of the general, CEO, and teacher in order to make that point clear.

The parents are responsible for the very lives of their children, and every decision that pertains to their lives. They must feed, clothe, house, nurture and protect them until they reach maturity. That doesn't mean that the parents are somehow "better" than their kids. It means that the responsibilities they bear are more important than anything their children have to deal with. That makes their roles as parents more important - without parents there is no family.

At least, that's how it's supposed to work. Very tragically, that was not the case in your childhood, where you had a father who, in my view, was criminally negligent. I am terribly sorry for the enormous amount of suffering that you were put through.

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old-soul
old-soul
in reply to jkl5500

Well stated. I just posted below, and there is no doubt that I too can be a victim of my own black and white thinking at times. I'm not sire there is even one single rule that is always appropriate in every moment of life. That's why we all have to work really hard much of the time to determine what the next right thought or action is.

I believe most people are basically good hearted and well intentioned, but there has been an awful lot of fear and anger mongering at a lot of different levels by a wealthy few who profit by keeping common working class people at one another's throats.

In Roger Daltry of The Who sang, "Won't get fooled again," but, you know, I think we've been fooled into a lot of fear and hostility a lot more often that most of us would care to know.

I am grateful to be a part of this community here. There really is no shortage of really amazing people here.

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jkl5500
jkl5500
in reply to old-soul

Remember the last line of that song: "Meet the new boss - same as the old boss!" When you grew up and became the "boss", you didn't repeat your father's mistakes. You learned from your suffering and took a constructive path. I congratulate you.

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gerg

I can see where that perspective has some merit. A focus on the core relationship, in a family, could address much of the dysfunction we see in our society. I think, that in my time, this focus has missed its mark, in several directions. There are no "good old days" when the husband/wife relationship was the highest priority.

I think that the example of putting on your life jacket first, before jumping in to save another, could be applied. Today the father/mother of four is expected, and willing, to jump right in to save the family pet. Thus putting themselves, and the family afterwards, in serious peril.

I blame this on our messed up responsibility hierarchy. It should go; self, family, neighbor, church, local community. Today our first safety net is, an unseen entity, known as the government. This has caused major personal responsibility and entitlement problems. The best thing for all of us is getting past hardships with the least assistance possible.

Yes our children are our future, but that is why it is important to raise them in the best possible conditions now.

Selfish and selfless are a paradox, you might be one to be the other.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

Absolutely. If children are raised in positive committed relationships with good morals, discipline, family dinners, being lead by example our world would be a better place. Of course things happen but it’s important to teach our young ones. Not let the government dictate. They need to be disciplined yet shown the right way. Plus when they leave you’re left with your spouse. I did everything wrong. I put my child first. My marriage sucks and my kids are grown and I have no life. Alone.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

I believe if you live in a loving home and lead by example as to how s healthy relationship works, teaching discipline, teaching morals etc it is good. I believe whole heartedly that children should be loved and supported. Encouraged. Active in sports and school. I just don’t believe in awards for participation. I believe you are taught to earn things through discipline and hard work. Not entitlement. Obviously some people’s parents are not like that. I do however think children raised in a positive loving home that have parents who love each

other, communicate, problem solve etc do better. I have a friend being abused by a 28 or so year old addicted son that lives at home. This helped her. I was not a perfect parent. I put my son first always. Now he still expects that at 23. Yet he has an adult life. My husband and I have grown so far apart he wants nothing to do with me because we never put the work in to our relationship and I am now alone with adult kids who feel entitled. I believe this from doing the opposite. I do not say ignore your children. They are important too. Yet they need to be taught morals and discipline. If they interrupt you then they will interrupt others. Teach them to treat you as they should treat others. Teach them manners. Interrupting unless an emergency is in poor manners. Being disrespectful etc. I can see both sides. I did the other though and I am paying for it now. God teaches discipline. Respect. Love. Morals. That should happen regardless of religion. Kids should earn things age appropriately of course. They should be loved. They should be taught respect though also. This has nothing to do with material things but more to do with behavior and love for your self and spouse and children. That of course is my opinion and it helped who needed it. I won’t judge your opinions just don’t judge mine. However I do enjoy a healthy difference of opinion and conversation. It’s always good to see both sides. I agree with many things stated. I would die for my child. Period. Most parents would. He didn’t ask to be here. When I was raised we sat at the table for family dinner ever night unless we had sports. My parents supported us and encouraged us. Together. They also made time for themselves so when we left they still had each other. I believe that’s my main point in this. I don’t believe in forcing activities for your wants on a child but I do believe in allowing them to pursue their own dreams too. That part I disagree with. Sports and extracurricular activities are so good for a child that chooses to do them. As long as they are taught discipline. Education comes first as well. I enjoy the different perspectives though and can take from all of them a new perspective.

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old-soul

I am glad you are not offended Tinkster. Very glad, in fact. You kokw I have a truckload of respect for you.

You know, I think a REALLY inherent flaw in this artical is that it is suggesting that, at days end, we are supposed to identify a "most important," family member in the first place. That will never fly, in my book.

EVERY "argument" in this conversation we are having, in my opinion, has been very valid and VERY correct! Let's look at a counter that makes my point moot at certain times. Let's pretend my ex and daughter were still with me for the purposes of my example. (This is painful to say. I really loved that woman, but she simply can not be trusted, and I have no legal recourse in order to continue to be a father to my daughter, because I have no piece of paper saying I have parental rights, in spite of the fact that I am a good dad, and the ONLY dad she has ever known)

Anyhow, let's say I am doing a project, or dicing carrots or something, and accidentally sever a finger. Who is the most important member of the family in that moment? Me, of course, because my need ( not just a want masquerading as a need) In that moment is far grater than my daughter's need for social activities, though that is still a valid need for children.

So, you see, any attempt to establish hard and fast rules is seriously flawed. I think that one commandment, "Thou shalt not kill," is a pretty darned good rule, but let me walk in on someone trying to rape my daughter or a loved one, and I am pretty sure what happens next is not going to be considered a sin, even if the perpetrator does not survive my wrath.

Black and white thinking does not work, and that is what makes doing what is right so hard. It is not always 100% clear what that next right action is.

I am fairly confident in the idea that statements that include words like, "always, never, every and all," are extremely prone to flaw, if not "always" flawed in some way. (Yeah, there's that "always" word, hu? lol)

So, here we are, talking, disagreeing some, (although I suspect not completely), and being respectful and truly INTERESTED in listening to one another's views and ideas.

What do you know. There IS actually intelligent life on our planet! :)

I really am enjoying this conversation and am grateful to those who are a part of it.

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Hopeful-Tinkerbell

I love a good respectful debate and would hate to think that I am so close minded that I can’t see other peoples points of view. I enjoy hearing perspectives opposite my own otherwise there could be no growth. I truly do though agree with what you say. I also agree with my points. I guess I didn’t focus on those all encompassing words as much. I focused on the fact that I spoiled my kids. I put the first to the point I had nothing. I never made my life. My husband and I rarely speak if he comes home at all. We never took time for ourselves. We didn’t nurture our relationship. 23 years later... kids are grown, husband isn’t around and I’m left very much alone having never taken the time to create my own life or maintain the relationship I had. Now what? That was truly my basic take on this post. Make the time for yourself while supporting and raising your children. Putting your air mask on first. I believe in family dinners but I can also cheer for my child and then have family dinner. Even if it’s at a restaurant. I feel like kids aren’t being taught respect and morals as in the old days. Of course not every child past or present. Telling a child if you don’t like something just walk out to me is disrespectful. I believe in the right to protest for sure. Yet not during class or work. Just leaving. Without permission to do so. People have jobs and at times don’t agree with their bosses but yet they don’t walk out. At least not without a plan for every thing you disagree on. That is life. You can’t please everyone about everything every time. This world is very diverse. If not what a boring world it would be. My reaction was simple as it was opposite of what I did that was so wrong. So therefore it was right in my eyes. Black and white as you mentioned but it really isn’t. You are so right. I have no friends and no life. I welcome clean respectful conversation with differing opinions or not. ❤️

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