I'm in the heights of despair once again

[Star-of-Aiden]

I'm such a child. I can't take even the mildest bit of criticism and I have no control over my mental state. The only thing keeping me from self destruction is the pain I'd inflict on my mother and family. I'm trapped in a self imposed hell and I have no way out. I just wish I was never created. I wish someone better took my place.

I wish my parents hadn't created me, I wish they had been given a better son who was handsome, intelligent, and actually believed in something. A son who could do things right and could just function.

I'm so worthless, my life is worthless, everything is worthless. Everyone just pretend to tolerate me, I'm a horrible person but I'm not, I just don't understand people, I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to push people away.

I want to like myself, I want a better life, I don't want to suffer but i'm trapped in these brambles of mental anguish. If only i had been a better child, maybe I'd be a better man. I just wish I'd be forgotten and die in peace and solitude. But I can't, I can't bear the thought of leaving her behind. I can't hurt everyone again. I'm so sorry

I'm just so tired of all this. I don't know what to do. There is no path I know. So I can't really on my own wisdom. I need a guide. I'll read other books. I don't know anymore. I just wish I could disappear and not hurt anyone.

[hypercat54]

'I can't bear the thought of leaving her behind'. I am a bit confused as to who she is? Or is this a misprint.

You do sound very upset and I get that coz I react very badly to criticism as well. I presume you have been to your doctors and are getting some help? A type of therapy called CBT should be able to help you with your over reactions so ask your doctor.

I presume you are at least 16 in which case you can take yourself there and your parents wouldn't need to know. x

[Star-of-Aiden in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you for your empathy and understanding. I might go see a counsellor or doctor or anything to just be healthy again. It's such an unsustainable mindset. I'm worried one day it will be too much. Somehow, I can hold up work and school but this just comes out of nowhere.

The "she" is my mother. I'll try anything I can. I sound so childish in this post. it was a moment of despair. I'm actually 22 in university. Sometimes I just have these moments of absolute hopelessness. While I do have many friends, my family back in my home country is my highest priority. I refuse to do anything to myself that would cause them to worry. Most of the time, I'm fine though there's always this faint "cloud" in my mind.

[hypercat54 in reply to Star-of-Aiden]

Yes it did come across as a bit childish and now I know you are 22 it tells me that you revert to childish emotions when really upset and to the methods you used as a child to deal with them.

I am the same and I find it really hard to deal with any criticism because I was criticised so much by my mother. If you criticise a child you teach it to be judgemental. Sound familiar? I did a course of CBT which went through the parent and child behaviour and it did help me some as it showed me how to break the cycle which is why I recommended it to you.

The following has helped me to figure out what was happening and how to deal with it too. I may be way off beam in your case and I apologise if so, but it might help. x

drjonicewebb.com/about-emot...

[Star-of-Aiden in reply to hypercat54]

I've downloaded the audiobook already. I'm prepared to try anything as its very embarrassing.

[fauxartist]

I am so sorry your hurting so badly....please don't think you are not a lovable person. I wasted a whole life time feeling less than and your pain is valid. I don't know if your in therapy....but please get help so you don't have to suffer. You deserve to be happy, do not think any less of yourself....you are just as important and anyone else.

[Star-of-Aiden in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you. I have very poor self worth which is dangerous and unhealthy. I'll try all I can to get better. Promise