On Tuesday, I was taken to the ER by state troopers on a 5150 (suicide watch). I didn’t really tell anyone because I wanted none of my close friends or family to know that I was taken in. When I was at the ER my boyfriend called when he got off work and asked what I was up to and I told him I was in the hospital on 5150 and he started yelling at me. Saying what the fuck were you thinking, this is fucking bull shit, I can’t believe you did this, etc. I understand that he probably acted out of fear... This isn’t the first time he lost his temper, but it is the first time he’s directed his yelling at me. Yelling being one of my triggers made the entire situation worse.
I’ve said I don’t want to see him right now because I’m afraid of him.. I don’t know what to do. I do love him, we’ve been together for four years, but I’m terrified he will yell again and I don’t think I could ever tell him if I’m feeling suicidal because of his reaction to this past time. We talked this morning and he told me that he knows he’s a shitty boyfriend for doing what he did, but he also said that he had no desire to come to me at the hospital and he doesn’t know why he felt that way..
All of that said, I feel lonely. I feel lost. I feel sad. I don’t know what to do. Should I stay with him?
Side note: as far as the 5150 I have made appointments for follow up with a psychiatrist and my therapist and have a new safety plan so that isn’t supposed to be the focal point of this post.
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Garben
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It stinks when loved ones don't understand and aren't supportive. You can talk with me if you need someone. About your boyfriend, I believe that it would be better to be able to share when you need extra care and assistance. You'll have to decide what kind of boyfriend he is and whether it's what you're looking for in your life.
It might be a bad idea to make big decisions at this time. But I will bring up one thing: Your life partner should be there for you during the good times and the bad times.
Thank you for the response, Elliot. He knows that yelling is a trigger for me... I just don’t think he understands depression, even though we are good at communicating. We’ve been together for four years and I love him deeply. We’re very comfortable together and have created a safe relationship. I would like to make up and be okay, but I’m not sure that will happen. He hasn’t said I love you since the day before my hospitalization.. he’s called me and we’ve talked and we always say it at the end of the call, but now we aren’t. He said he needs space to rethink everything and figure out how he’s feeling since he had no urge to come to me at the hospital... I just have to wait.. I appreciate the long comment. It means a lot.
I agree with the advice to hold off on making major decisions. My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 9 years before it ended, primarily due to the '' bad finally out-weighing the good'', in the relationship, for both of us. Like you, I felt so comfortable with him, but he would do these really selfish things to 'trigger' my anxiety (such as insisting to stay at parties, bars, etc. til we were the last ones to leave, when i was becoming overstimulated by the music, noise, etc. and we were always visiting his friends and family - he never had time to visit mine!!). Despite his consistent selfish behavior, i hung on because he gave me a certain amount of stability by being a new guy every morning (when he wasn't drunk) and made me my coffee every morning so i could do paperwork for my job, compliment how pretty i was, tell me how much his family liked me, etc., etc. . He never did understand my depression/anxiety problems or give me any leeway to ever use it as an excuse for not doing something -- but then he would organize all my meds and make sure if i wasn't feeling good i was taking them............so i guess my bottom line to you is, he sounds like a really selfish guy right now, but only u know all his positives and negatives.......i think the answer for now might be different 6 months or a year from now, but just keep taking care of yourself. Remember, the most important issue in an event like this -- is You! You are a beautiful and wonderful girl that needs to be loved and cared for! Make yourself the priority now : ) Best of luck!
I’m so sorry that you had to deal with that. I relate to you in a lot of ways, especially with the family visiting (he never visits mine).. we are both so comfortable together and has tried really hard to understand my depression but he said he’s seen no change. We spoke last night and he said that he doesn’t recognize me anymore, that I’m not myself. But yes, I need to make myself the priority. I’m trying not to focus on the relationship as much and trying to focus on keeping myself safe and stable. Thank you for taking the time to respond ❤️
Hi . May be you should take little break from him. sounds like his anger is increasing which is not good. Talk to yr counselor about it too. He should hv come immediately to be with you in the hospital. but maybe it was a blessing in disguise that he didn't go.
Sorry to hear about your sucide attempt, good that you got help. Family n friends don't understand anxiety unless they experienced it. Sounds like your boyfriend is a trigger? As hard as it could be? You might have to part company in order for you to survive?
I don't talk about my anxiety to anyone they want to fix me. Bit as easy as it sounds. Yelling makes things Worse. You need to do what's best for you. Take care
I don’t think he is a trigger, but I do think that he doesn’t understand the concept of triggers. I tried not talking to people but that’s what got me in handcuffs and hospitalized so I need to start asking for help... I’ve been doing that lately. Having people come over to essentially keep an eye on me.
First off, I am proud of you for getting help and making a plan to help you feel better. With that said you will need people to lean on while you try to heal and over come what ever it is that lead you to the point you found yourself in the hospital so please don’t shut everyone out, you need your family and friends. As for your boyfriend, his reaction is normal for someone who felt hurt by the fact that his sweetheart would consider ending her life, most people would react the way he did by getting upset and then by not wanting to see you just yet. They are shocked, confused, hurt, scared, etc. and aren’t sure how to help. Before ending things with him talk with him, it is important he understands the concerns you have with his yelling at you, he needs to know so he can watch himself around you. It would be a really good idea for your boyfriend to join you in therapy so he can better understand what you’re feeling, how to help you, and also how to get help for himself as he tries to deal with his feelings over this. Only you can know if you should stay with him or not, only you know if the relationship is a heathy one or a toxic one. With a healthy relationship you will be ok, if it is toxic and part of why you feel the way you do then your journey to heal yourself will be difficult. Talk to him before making any big decisions right now, unless you know in your heart ending it would be the best thing for you both. Good luck! Hugs
I have been a lot more open with my feelings and reaching out to people. We’ve been talking occasionally, but I think it may end. We haven’t seen each other since before my hospitalization and he will be coming over this weekend.. I think it will help for us to see each other. I guess I’ll see.
That’s great that you are reaching out to people and being open with your feelings. It just may be that what you two need is a little break so you both can sort through things.
ADD mom said everything that I would have said. My husband didn’t understand depression till he went to a counseling session with me and the therapist explained it to him. He was much more understanding after that. If people don’t have depression, they don’t fully understand it.
I was talking to my friend last night and we were talking about suicide, not for us but just in general. I was just saying how I could see people trying if they have been suffering for decades because that’s not living. Then she said it wouldn’t be fair to the people that love you, that they would blame themselves. I get that but I think when you’re that depressed you really don’t care about anyone else at that time. So what I’m trying to say is talk to your friends too about how you’re feeling. If they can’t handle it then you need to get new friends. I’ve never wanted to talk to friends as I keep everything inside but I’m realizing that I need friends to talk to about this, it does help even if it’s just for the day.
Your boyfriend I feel doesn’t know how to help you and probably feels awful that you are going through this. Let a professional explain this to him. You are on the right path with meds and counseling. It’s not a cure unfortunately but it does help cope. I haven’t stuck with it but they say a gratitude journal helps too, with feeling better. Even if you think you have nothing to be grateful for just thinking about being grateful is beneficial. Praying for you.
I’m so glad your husband was able to understand how you felt. If my boyfriend and I stay together, then I will ask him to come. I’ve been a lot more open lately with people, reaching out when I’m having a tough time and asking them to come over, and they have been. It’s been really nice. I may try the gratitude journal, too.
Hey Garden, I really think your focus right now should be on you and getting better yourself. Take time for you, therapy and doing the small things that make you feel good. Do you like smelling roses? Go to a nursery and just spend time with the roses. Take a long break from your boyfriend and focus on you. Spend time with your higher power. Get healthy for yourself. After a good long while and much personal self healing, then you can start thinking about the others on your life
He’s just confused right now.. we’ve talked a little bit since that night, but I think we’re going to eventually break up. I feel like it’s kind of been a long time coming at this point.
I have read all the replies and feel I need to say something too. I know you are in a really bad place at the moment and the most important thing for you right now is to focus on getting the appropriate help to keep you safe and move you forward.
I need to say a little thing about your boyfriend though if you don't mind me doing so? A friend of mine recently made a suicide attempt. I am not a heartless person by any means but this attempt left me feeling angry, hurt, confused, mistrusting. I know from her point of view the place she was/is in and I do understand, honestly I do; but as well it is important I think to understand that people who love you when faced with potentially losing you "in a flash" as it were and potentially at any moment are most likely to feel powerless and frightened which can in turn lead to anger.
I am so scared of losing my friend. I love her to bits and am so sorry she is in such a terrible place, which I am sure your boyfriend is so sorry for how you feel too. I hope you don't mind me putting a point of view across? I think he will need time to learn to trust you again. I don't know even if I have the right to tell my friend not to attempt again , but I did and I said I need to learn to trust her again. You may think this is selfish of me but is it really selfish to say to my friend that I love her and don't want her to leave my life? Do I not have any rights too? Maybe your boyfriend feels like this?
It is very difficult because I know that you are not able to help how you are feeling .Do you want to live? My friend is not sure she does which is so heartbreaking to me but a part of me is in theory trying to digest this and respect this though it goes against all my own views on the preciousness of life. If you do want to live then please do get all the help you can and from my own opinion I would say to be tolerant of how your boyfriend has reacted to all of this. My thoughts with you. I do so hope you can start to find a way through and to feel better.
Thank you for your response and offering this alternate view. I understand that fear turns to anger... but I’m sure you’ve told your friend you don’t want to lose her and that you acted out of fear and she’s important to you. He hasn’t said any of that, though he has apologized.
As my boyfriend he’s my biggest supporter, but right now I’m terrified of him. I feel like I could never come to him when I’m feeling suicidal or if I feel like hurting myself.. his anger bursts have been violent in the past (never hitting me, but punching walls or throwing things) and if I’m hurting emotionally having someone angry with me for feeling that way will only push me over the edge.
I love him so much, but being terrified of someone you love? That’s constant torture...
I’m going to a new psychiatrist this morning and I’ll see my therapist tonight. That’s definitely something I will bring up. I’ve been upfront with him, telling him I’m afraid he will yell and also telling him what I need out of the relationship in order to get better. I may give an ultimatum if he yells again... because if he’s yelling now, he’s going to yell if we get married.
I am so sorry that I am way behind to talk to you. That is great news congratulations on setting up a follow up plan. It takes a lot of courage for that to happen. As for your boyfriend my suggestion would be to leave him alone and concentrate on your self. I myself have been hospitalized 5 times since 2006. The last time was early 2016 for 5 weeks. I hope that your family is supporting you. That in it self is very important. I am 63 and have 4 Boy's and 1 Girl. My middle child was diagnosed at 17 with Bipolar disorder.He is now 34 and lives with my wife and I. I know that with depression and anxiety can be very scary. If your family needs to understand about this.I suggest that you have them go on the internet and go to the NAMI site. The National Association of Mental Illness. You should find some info on Family to family program. This is a 10 week course that explains what mental illness is all about. There may be a course in your area. My Wife and I took this course years ago to be educated about my son's illness. Always feel free to come back to update how you are doing. Tale care of up yourself and may God Bless you.
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day by day right now. 
How do you stay consistent with yourself? 
Should I stay or should I go? 
I don't really know what to do
I can’t do this anymore
