I constantly feel heavy. Especially at work. What can i do to get rid of this heavy feeling. Night before last i feel like I relapsed because I started banging my head on the wall and throwing stuff again.... I'm so tired of every little thing getting under my skin. I want to be mentally okay again. I'm tired of feeling crazy or a burden to the people around me. I've been having these urges to call my grandma and then when it immediately hits me that shes gone, i just lose it. I want my life back. I want to be able to dress up like i used to. Apply make up or at least lashes. People keep saying "your grandma would not want to see you like this" which i know. But that doesnt stop me from feeling like this. I wish I could have her back and I'm aware that I cant. I just want this anxiety/heavy feeling to go away.