Need to vent

[Starrlight]

TRIGGER please don’t read if you feel you could be disturbed by reading about death.

The intense anxiety has been off and on and a little easier on me the last few days because the depression and anger and irritability are surfaceing. The anger scares me and wish I knew how to handle it and what it is from. I wonder if it is because there is an issue I need to address... while looking inward to try to find the reason, I think of the date that my brother passed away on is coming up. He killed himself. I saw him hanging. My brother. Gone. I have the image burning in my mind. I feel like something terrible is about to happen now. I wonder where he is, what he is doing. I think of God heaven hell... when I’m depressed I think I will go to hell; feel I may deserve it. I try to not feel guilt but it’s there. I feel like isolating but I don’t want to lead myself deeper into depression. I’m been keeping busy. Trying to get motivated to do a project with my kids and maybe read some or work on some sketches.

Trying to figure out all these back and forth emotions. Maybe it’s the bipolar mood swings. Maybe I am paying too close attention to my thinking and feelings. Maybe it’s due to a new supplement that I’m taking. I want to be happy, especially around my kiddos. They don’t deserve a grumpy mama! Trying my best here to get control over this but just so saddened. Right now my life seems so messy and wrong. Any prayers or good vibes sent I would looooove!

[gerrerd]

Have a look online (the sedona method) This is what i am useing to let go of the past. Ray

[Starrlight in reply to gerrerd]

Thanks Ray

[Stilltrying_]

Hi, you have been through a terrible bereavement re. your brother and it is bound to be impacting you. Sadly this is the effect that a suicide has on the rest of the family; it isn't just the person himself who has sadly reached that terrible state where they feel it is the only answer to their pain, but everyone else as well is stunned and shocked and it is more likely unfortunately for you to start to think that way yourself.

Feeling angry in these circumstances is natural.

I feel you are doing the right thing by focusing on the kids and doing other stuff. I send you good wishes.

The site is quiet tonight. I think it is because it is snowing very badly in the UK. It has just taken me more than two and a half hours to do what would normally be a twenty minute journey. I only mention this because that may be the reason why you haven't had many replies; not because there is anything wrong about what you have posted or that you are unworthy in any way.

Sending warm hugs your way, Gemmalouise XX

[Starrlight in reply to Stilltrying_]

Gemmalouise, you are so kind. Thank you. I was just thinking of what would it be like if I planned my death. It would be too horrible as it destroys people, families, breaks hearts...I couldn’t do that yet I can’t get away from it. I wish I could start fresh. I am living in the house that he died in. It is so depressing. I feel like it is tainting; rubbing off on me, won’t stop bothering. I wish I could move but I am helping taking care of my mom here plus I don’t have the money.

[Stilltrying_]

Ah, I can see how awful that must be for you .I am so sorry.

It is tough when you don't have the money to move from an environment that causes you distress.

Try if you can at any time when you are feeling a bit better to attempt to send some new good vibes through the house; ie. try and create your own to counter the negative energy that is floating around.

It is tough and I know you may not always be in the right frame of mind to do this but do try and stay strong.

You can do it Sending you more hugs, XXX

[Starrlight in reply to Stilltrying_]

I do have clearing eucalyptus spray and incense that I use from time to time. I will stay strong the best I know how. Thank you so much. <3

[Starrlight in reply to Starrlight]

I’m getting scared because I am more and more wanting my life to end.

[Windy101]

If you're thinking of ending your life and obsessing about it, I urge you to see a doctor.

[Starrlight in reply to Windy101]

I kept thinking about it but I could never because I love my family too much but still can’t stop thinking about it so I am going to see my therapist on Tuesday. Thanks Wendy

[tuffy33]

Pray and It will get better. It will take a long time...