Selfish?

[-scott-]

I posted awhile back about learning to adapt to the role of a father, and having to be more of a provider.

I'm still struggling with the guilt of wanting to be selfish. I never seem to have enough "me" time and when I do get it I usually follow it with a sense of guilt that I've wasted time I should be spending with my family.

I'm talking about things like choosing to stay home rather than go along with my wife and son to the grocery store, or playing video games in another room rather than watch cartoons.

I just want to feel like a whole person, but "growing up" into the role of parent is making for a very difficult shift.

[Loki1018]

Don’t feel guilty about wanting to have some of your “own” time because your also your person you were so before you became a father and husband.

I’m sure you spend lots of time with them doing other stuff.

I don’t have kids of my own but have two step daughters which is a big change for me they may not have come from me directly but I do help out and spend time with them but I also made it clear to my bf that I took also have my priorities that I’m not going to sacrifice because I also am me before any of them came into my life.

There are plenty of times where I come into my room and they get the point that I am to be left alone because I do t feel like dealing with them. I too need my own time to just enjoy my own company, thoughts, and just to reconnect with myself.

I do a lot for them but I can’t forget about myself either. It’s ok to be a little selfish.

[HearYou]

All parents are stretched thin with time when they have children.....Some days there is no "me time". You squeeze in time, time that the children enjoy, and one family I know have a rather neat idea. During the week they plan a "family activity" for the weekend. Weekdays are just too packed with living and getting them ready for school, the parents ready for work, cooking dinner, baths, etc.

But watch out, soon they'll be ready to beat you at your video games.

To talk to that family's mother, I have to email her and she responds in kind from her phone.

Looks like you're doing rather well as a dad; try a few hugs too when least expected.

[Hardlookcap]

I’m glad you posted this because I have been studying myself for something similar. I wonder if this is a trait of these disorders that just isn’t noticed yet. In your head... do you see yourself as an adult? Do you categorize yourself from other parents in the room ... like you view them like the normal adult type and at the same time feel like you can’t relate or aren’t on that level? If any of the answers are yes... how old would you title your mentality as?

[-scott- in reply to Hardlookcap]

I know I'm an adult. I can follow adult life social, career expectations. I just want to feel free to do things I enjoy without being bogged down by "obligations" of family life.

[Hardlookcap in reply to -scott-]

Do you think you weren’t cut out for family life in general or are you just too bogged down and overwhelmed and not getting enough help from others in the family unit?

[hypercat54]

Obligations of family life? I thought you had a family to enjoy and to do things with? Or have I got this wrong? Your partner also needs to feel free sometimes too you know so think about her as well.

[-scott- in reply to hypercat54]

This is exactly my point. When do I get to be selfish? It seems everyone else gets their fair share, while I'm towing the load.

Where do I get that self vs family balance?

[hypercat54]

Well I assume your partner finds lots of joy in the family though everyone does need a bit of me time as well. The question I am wondering if why do you see them as separate from things you like to do? Is there nothing you like which can be done with family such as nature walks. going to the beach. watching telly etc? When you have family you find things you love to do together but you seem to only like solo things.

Don't you think your wife is 'towing the load as well'? I thought parents shared the work load and enjoyed their children together. If you would prefer solo things like video games I am surprised you decided to have a family at all!

[-scott- in reply to hypercat54]

I can see you just don't understand, and/or don't want to. If you're just going make negative comments to my concerns then I request that you no longer respond to my posts. Thank you.

[hypercat54]

No one on here has to respond to anybody but fortunately many of us do otherwise there wouldn't be a site for you to post on. You asked for advice so I and others kindly gave it to the best of our ability and we all give genuine and honest answers. The fact you don't agree with it says to me you only want sympathy and not genuine advice.

You might disagee with what I say but an acknowledgment of my taking time and effort to try and help would at least be polite. The fact you haven't done this and have been quite rude says far more about you then me.

I will gladly butt out of your post as I have far better things to do than help someone who clearly doesn't want it so goodbye.

[-scott- in reply to hypercat54]

Haha. I asked you not to reply to my posts because you were rude. You were said you are surprised I even had a family at all. That's a pretty low blow and has nothing to do with you giving "answers" to my posts. This site is for people to seek and provide support, not to soapbox and try to act superior to others. You just need to tone yourself down a bit.

[hypercat54 in reply to -scott-]

Don't tell me what this site is for! I have been here for a long time and am well regarded here. You have joined very recently so it's you who is out of order.

No one is paid here to answer and to help others you know. We are all fellow sufferers and have problems of our own. I have reported your replies to our admin. Slagging off other members is not allowed so please familar yourself with the rules.

[-scott- in reply to hypercat54]

You've been trolling me since your first reply. I find it weird that you're so hostile. I'm not familiar with the term slagging off, so I can't comment on that. I think you're having some trouble reading and understanding my posts. I've been level headed and respectful with everything I've said, but you have been quite emotional. It was never my intent to set you off.

I found it extremely insulting when you said I should have never married my wife or had kids just because I made a post about struggling with personal life and family life balance.

I'll say it once again, you need to tone yourself down here a bit. Step down from the lecturing soapbox for a minute and realize just how angry and rude you are coming across.

[old-soul]

Leaving recent comments aside, one rule of parenting I have learned through the years is that, a parent that completely looses themselves in being a parent, fails their children. Having boundaries and teaching our children healthy boundaries is critical to their development.

When children are raised by parents that have healthy boundaries, including each HAVING time to pursue interests of their own SOME OF THE TIME, it teaches them the value of having a healthy level of independence.

I do hope that you and your wife are able to have a dialogue that ensures you each have equal amounts of alone time to spend as you wish. If that is not the case, it in reality, instills a very un-healthy message where your children are concerned.

If she is in fact getting the majority of the "me time," week to week, she very well may not respond to well to your discussing that imbalance, so be prepared for that possibility. We can not change anyone but ourselves, but we also teach people how to treat us.

Feel free to private message me if you'd like. I went through this myself, and am also willing to share my phone number with you if you'd like to talk. Severe carpal tunnel, shoulder and cervical spine injuries make long messages from my current "smartphone only internet access" circumstance difficult at times.

Children don't need an entire families support in order to watch a cartoon. Parental choices about WHICH cartoons are okay is (unfortunately) important, or how MUCH time they spend in front of a screen, but if a child can't even deal with watching a cartoon show unless one or both parents are right there watching the same show intently, it sounds like a very un-healthy over-weaning dependence is already developing.