Weird

[jennaturtle]

Wow. After reading my last post I was kind of sad. I still feel the same way and I am in the same spot even after telling myself not to act the way I do. What is wrong with me? Is it anxiety, depression, both? Ugh. I need to get on medication, but I’m scared. I hate the way I feel. Always worrying and wondering. It’s like every time we argue I get scared we are going to break up, why?! Am I traumatized or emotionally abused, I don’t know. We have great days but when we argue I get so insecure and scared I blow things up, and he gets mad cause I do that. He’s such a nice person too but when he gets angry ... he is angry. I hate it. And I always feel like I put him before myself. Even though I know I shouldn’t, and he has told me not to do that. He has always said, “put yourself first and take care of your mental health.” Ugh I couldn’t even do that. He broke up with me. 7 years and that is it...we’re done. He didn’t even care...he just did it. I’m missing him like crazy but I am not contacting him at all. He broke up with me, and I do not want to make it worse. I just want to focus on me. Because he doesn’t even care, right? And why do I keep thinking about him? Ugh. I hate this feeling. I am going to be honest here and say, I expected this though. I’m surprised it took this long actually. I love him, but I know I have some major issues and need to focus on ME first. I just want to get better for myself.