When I get into a super depressed state it usually happens when I'm at home. I like in the country and it take 30-40 minutes to get to a town. My mother and I are usually the only one's home, unless there's an extended break at my brother's college, then he'll be home for a bit.
I don't have many friends to begin with, but I can only talk to one of them through Facebook messenger. One of them is super busy all the time, and if she's not busy she's with her other friends. One of then I usually only get to text but I'll sometimes run in to her at school. One of them I'm not super close to and I don't talk about this stuff with him. The last one is my boyfriend friend and I get to see him at school for a little bit and some weekends, but he doesn't have reliable internet access so I can't message him often.
When I'm home I sleep a lot and watch TV. I'm not physically active and I don't leave my house much. I never have much motivation for anything. When I get bored of the TV and I'm not tried enough to sleep I get Facebook or obsessively see if any of my friends are online. Usually they aren't, and if they are I only get good conversation out of 2 of them (and neither of them are my boyfriend. He only ever seems to text 1-5 word messages, unless we're trying to figure out some logistics for hanging out.)
I just get so lonely being stuck in my house with no one but my mom. Sometimes we have fun together but usually we both just do our own lazy things.
Once I feel super lonely I put my phone away from myself a bit, then get bored and grab it again annnnd obsessively check messenger. When I still have no one to talk to I start overthinking more and my mind takes a darker turn. And on really bad days (that usually only happen on long breaks) I question my will to live.
Breaks from school suck but school sucks too. Like I just trade one hell for another and I hate it. I mean one day at school the realization that being dead would mean no more homework ever was strangely appealing.
Sometimes I'll breakdown and cry. One of these breakdowns is the reason I joined this site.
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Dealing with loneliness
