Being Real for a Second

I didn't watch the new year countdown or anything. I couldn't care less. My Christmas was overall good and came back home on tuesday. I didn't feel like posting on here...so forgive me friends on here for that and hope i didn't cause worry.

Ok, so two days ago i found a song from a rapper i listen to and man this song spoke to me on sooooo many levels. I broke the replay button!!!!!

Before i share the lyrics just wanna share that my birthday is on January 7th. I will be turning 20 years old. Unbelievable. I could say so many negative things but maybe i shouldn't. But i will anyways to vent. I'm not so happy smiley about it. I don't even feel like I'm 19 now! Its a year with no friends and still unemploymented but i am starting to feel that strange burst of energy and motivation to try to make my life better. Even if it's pretending. So pretty much at the end of the day....i am still alone. Literally. A sorry excuse for a 19, almost 20 year old woman who feels so hollow it's unimaginable. Happiness for me won't come overnight but I'm afraid that the older i get the more depressed i will get and the worser my mental health will be. A young woman who honestly doesn't believe in life. A woman who still hates how her face disgusts her. My body is starting to give me anxiety. I'm gaining weight and i bet my polycystic ovary syndrome is getting worse and really starting to take it's toll on my body. I'm disgusted by my weight. So depressing. But to get to the point, when i turn 20, i won't feel any better of myself or prettier or healthier or smarter. I will wake up the same way i did today and feel the same way. I'm gonna apply for more jobssss but this song lyrics will describe to you guys exact how i feel about last year, how i feel currently, and how i feel about my upcoming birtday. Birthday really not a big deal, i mean i have no friends or meaning to anyone. Its just screwed up. Lyrics and song by Sik World-Demons:

"Still inside of my room

Still don't know what I'm doing

Still lost, still tryna figure out what to do"

"I got so many issues I cannot explain it

I know what I'm feeling but I can't relate it

I'm so out of touch 'cause my derealisation

I don't feel alive and my mind it keeps racing

My anxiety's high and my life is outrageous

I'm not the same I can feel it I am changing

Can't get out of my head I've been barricaded

I'm losing my mind and I'm trying to save it, but can't.....

You ever been in a position?

Where you feel lost and nobody listens

Layin' on your bed, staring at the ceiling

Eyes tearin' up 'cause the way that you're feeling

I'm feeling like me, I have always been in it

Why does it feel like I've always been different?

Why does it feel like a part of me's missing?

Deep depression like how'd I fall in it?

Like where did I go wrong?

I haven't felt normal in so long

I'm closed off....

My anxiety spikes every night so it makes it harder for me to doze off

That's real, so shut up and save it

The nerve of some of you to think I would fake it

If you think I'm happy you're sadly mistaken

I run from my demons when I should just face 'em, damn"

That's exactly how i feel y'all⬆😑

It's so crazy how he wrote about my life and read my mind hahaha. He has some songs about depression and its so relateable🙌

10 Replies

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  • I’m your friend. You can talk to me anytime. I totally get you. I feel that same way. Just know I’m here if you ever need to talk.

  • Thank you. Just can't believe it's right around the corner.

  • Those lyrics sound a lot like my life. Someone recently sent me a link to a song by Khalid. “Young, Dumb and broke.” I’m not young. I am not dumb but I’ve really started to enjoy it. I added it to my playlist. My son gave me his nice headphones. He hates my taste in music. Haha. Makes me want to play it louder! Anyway I put those headphones on and block out the world, sing at the top of my lungs and dance like nobody’s watching. With those headphones and my music jamming I also don’t have to listen to my husband being a jerk.

    You know we are our own worse enemies right? I guarantee you that you are way more beautiful than you give yourself credit for. Have you considered that sitting in your room 24/7 could be adding to your weight some? The best thing for PCOS, depression and anxiety is also the best thing for weight. Exercise! Is there a ymca near you? They have financial help and if you have no income you could join for free. If nothing else you can put in some headphones and go walking! Try it! Take a walk everyday for a week. Start by going to the end of the driveway if needed. Then the end of the street. Etc.

    This new year and your new year (birthday) should be viewed as a chance at a fresh start! Stop being so down on yourself! Lift your self up don’t put yourself down. If you continue that you’ll never improve. Be positive. Take charge! You need to want it. Someone told me that recently. I was like but I do want it. You just have to want it enough to take that step of faith. It’s easy where you are even if miserable. Trust me I know. I’m glad to know you have a burst of energy. It’s got to get better if it can’t get worse right? So there you go! It’s going to get better. Now just get up, get out and get active. The rest will follow. Easier said than done? Yes and no. It’s scary but you just put one foot in front of the other. When you apply for jobs don’t forget that follow up call. Make yourself stand out. You can even go to the local social services and they can help you get training and find a job. You have to do something. Even if it’s wrong. You have to have an action to get a reaction. No one can do it for you. We will however support you every step of the way. You are so young. 20 is very young! Say you live to be 80. You have 60 years ahead to fill with beautiful memories and adventures.

    I know you said you love your little niece. How about applying in a daycare? You don’t have to be self conscious. Kids don’t care. You are so sweet. I think you could be good at it. You could even apply for substitute teaching. You just take attendance, hand out work and keep order. It’s not super physical either. So many options. Also classes on line. You wouldn’t have to leave your room for that.

    Keep the energy burst going. If iou don’t act on it it will leave fast! You got this!

    Special love and hugs from afar!

  • ❤❤❤❤❤❤Thankkkkk yoouuuuu😢😌😃 you are such an inspiration to me. You are a true friend without a doubt. Your words lift me up and always put a smile on my face and erase the negative thoughts.

    You are so right. Exercising, something i been wanting to do for a longggg time but haven't yet. I applied to 5 jobs today back to back. I'd do anything. I just want to make a change. A step forward. Then i can move from there once i make my own money again. I need to push myself. I want to be a therapist someday because i want to help people but i am also thinking about writing and how i can consistently put that into my life. I am looking forward to these jobs i applied to this morning. I hope someone replies and takes a chance on me. It's awesome what you said about the child jobs because i happened to apply to toys r us this morning! 😄😜 yeah I'm trying to be postive. My birthday is in 2 days. Unbelievable....but I'm trying.

    I reallyyyyy appreciate your words! I honestly look forward to talking to you on here since we first started talking. Just want you to know you definitely made a difference! 💜

    Xoxo💖💁

  • Happy Birthday! Be positive. Give it a day or two and call to make sure they received your application. That shows them you are serious and gets them to pull it out and look at it. Trust me. I have actually only once in my life applied for a job I didn’t get. I’ve applied for a lot in my life. If they do call you dress professionally. First impressions speak volumes. Smile bright and stand tall. Yes even for a job at toys r us. I wore a t shirt dress to interview at gas station. Let them know you are a hard worker and willing to learn. Be confident in your abilities. You got this. Look for daycares. Kids can allow you confidence. You could try non clinical jobs in the hospital. Pay is decent and it will give you benefits. They also pay for schooling. That’s something that’s important too. Benefits and tuition reimbursement. Even if you have to work in housekeeping or cafeteria. Transporting patients to and from radiology. Just keep up the good work! Never give up and start exercising. Even if just walking to start. It’s fun. You can see nice stuff and breathe fresh air. It would do wonders for your mental status.

    Yes. I will adopt you. Pack your bags and move to VA with me! I can teach you how to drive. Help you get a job. Have fun with you. I need a girl to do stuff with. We could have loads of fun and I have a lot of life experience I could pass on. I am addicted to shopping. Even when I’m broke. Lol We could do so many fun things! Come on.

  • Thanks! Those are great tips i will keep in mind.

    Looks like we have a lot in common!!! I love shopping too and even with no money i should be spending!!! Yes i would love to learn how to drive but nice and slow! I think my anxiety over the thought of driving and being behind the wheel scares me....but i just gotta take it one step at a time when i officially start learning😬😰 i wish i had someone to do girl stuff with! My mom works 2 jobs and money is always a issue so unless i make my own money then that's when i can somewhat do more for and with my mom.

    I just can't wait to get a job and have money in my pocket again. So i can get out more and do things🙏💵💰💸💳

  • You're still young vonnah - this is the best time to change, believe in yourself and tell yourself that you can be better, and can do so much more than you think. We all believe in you and know exactly your feeling

    Keep searching for that job and it'll come. And - if your worried about body image, people love who you are and your morals, not how you look. If people body shame you they can't be friends.

    Sorry it's not much but hope it helps!

  • This does help👌 thanks for your support and for encouraging me! 😉 with me it's just my face. I wish i was beautiful. I wish i didn't have acne. I wish i loved myself and love what i see in the mirror but i honestly don't. How can i be in my 20s and still not feel beautiful. Like I'm worth it or good enough.

    But I'm still surviving and moving forward.

  • No problem vonnah. 👍😉😀 Just remember that you might not think you're beautiful but what really counts is whats inside you, you're attitude and approach to life. I don't think anyone would consider themselves totally beautiful aside from vain people

  • True! 👌

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