Reflecting While Running In Place

I've been thinking just now, i can't believe i am turning 20 in January. I don't even feel 19, let alone look 19. I have experienced so much for my age i believe. I kinda feel like i could write a book about my life! (How? I am no professional writer....) i just feel so out of place. I felt like i could never truly feel and be like a normal teenager. I was always told i was mature for my age. And i was and i hated it. I miss those moments of being a kid back in elementary school, free from depression, anxiety, my worst insecurity of how i perceive my face, stress, and money. I was definitely light as a feather back then. I miss that. It's been so long it's as if i forgot what happiness and content feels like. There are so many successful people my age right now that may have everything i wish i could hold on to. But i know in my situation nothings gonna happen overnight. I am just unhappy. I can't believe i had to spend my teenage years being mature and adult-like. Being insecure and having no self worth whatsoever. I was bullied and i feel like i didn't get the emotional support and help i needed. I know i can still change that eventually whenever i can afford therapy on a consistent basis. But i had a rough childhood, coming from a family where money was always a problem. It took me until i was in my sophomore year in high school to realize just how lost i was. I feel more lost more so than i did back then. It's like i'm steady sinking deeper and deeper into a big black hole that's trying to consume me. That hole represents suicide and giving up hope that my life can return back to color.

I want to get better. But how? Seems so impossible. It's December, don't know how i am gonna fake happy this Christmas. I have no job and no money. And no one in life i can call a friend at this moment. My life seems to get worser every year.

"Boy, i was so wrong when i actually thought surviving high school after being bullied was gonna fix all my problems and actually cure me of my depression, anxiety, and insecurities."

I guess i still want to be a counseling psychologist (therapist). And now maybe a writer (no idea how!)

When i turn 20, i have a feeling things will only get worse like how it's been for years now. My parents will still disrespect me and look at me as a child and take advantage of me for money. My birthday will be just like every other depressing day. Alone.

All i want is to be happy. I am unhappy.

14 Replies

  • When you described the black hole I felt like I was ready my journal. If I had a nickel for every time I used that term I would be rich! How about instead of seeing your 20th birthday as a bad thing let’s look at it as an awesome thing! You get to start fresh with another year! You’re only as old as you feel. I am a 46 year old grandma. I am also obsessed with all things Hello Kitty. I like to turn music on and dance like nobody’s watching. I have physical limitations. Can’t bust my hip ya know! Again. I crack jokes at inappropriate times when I start feeling anxious. I still sleep with my baby/security blankie. This weekend I vegged our and played Minecraft with my grandson all weekend. I live in jammies (mostly Hello Kitty) unless I have to go somewhere. I’m a kid at heart. It keeps me from having to focus too much on adult problems. I can act like an adult in a serious situation if needed I just choose not to 95% of the time. I babysat a neighbors daughter and we had it going on with the barbies. The way I see it the older we get the better we are at making Barbie furniture. I had to be serious a lot when I was a teenager. I suffered a traumatic car accident. So I’m choosing to be “young” now! Age is only a number. What did you enjoy when you were a child? I loved barbies! So if I want I can play them. It was with my neighbor, or my great niece etc but I play. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Try to have some fun. Go to the park and take a ride on a swing! Take a walk around the block. Focusing on every smell, sight, sound. Don’t forget to smell the roses! ❤️ Life is what you make it. Bullies bully because they have their own insecurities. I wish I had known you then! Acne fades. An ugly heart doesn’t go away nearly as easily. So you are already one step ahead. Do not let bully teenagers misguided self esteem issues dictate your future. ALL teens feel self esteem issues. The older you get the less you will care what people think. Trust me! So dance in the rain! Jump in puddles and have a silly fun time. Let loose. If you do start earning money and your parents get benefits they can’t take money from you without claiming it and if they charge you then they can’t get extra benefits. They don’t have to know exactly how much you make though. Put some back to save and maybe come up with a small amount acceptable to help parents. You have dreams! Now let’s work on making them come true! ❤️

  • This is the greatest thing i ever read!!!!!!!😄😘❤ this made my day! Your so right. I need to try to have fun or do things i like even if i have to pretend a little! Thanks! I loved playing video games when i was a kid! I can't play them now because i don't have a ps4 which i will make a goal towards in the future! I deserve to have fun. I can't wait to get a job and get back to the way things used to be....i feel worser knowing all my money ran out that i had saved up and i can't give my parents a little something, you know? We have our moments and arguments with money, but i ain't the one to take advantage of my parents and watch them suffer because i wouldn't want someone to do that to me. I just want happniess. 💜 thank you🌸

  • Vonnah, don't pretend a little that you are happy, pretend a lot :) Role play the part of a happy person...Smile, Laugh....One day when you turn 21, you'll wonder how your parents became so smart since you were a teen. Parents are also learning as you are each day.

    As for Christmas, you can be happy if you Believe in the season. Christmas doesn't have to be a time of the year for material things, after all it's all about the spirit of the season. That's where that "feel good" feeling comes from. Make a card for your parents, in it, give them the gift of yourself by making up coupons that they can use during the year. Things that you would be willing to do for them. I guarantee it will not only bring a smile and maybe a hug, but for sure will bring a tear.

    Believe in that most presents are forgotten once the season is over but the gift from the heart will be remembered always as the best present yet. :) xx

  • Awww💜 this was beautiful and very cheerful. Thank you😘 i will play that role!

  • I have to say this- I know we have communicated and I think that is an awesome way to see yourself being mature for your age. Looking back- I sometimes am so critical and feel the opposite- but I am old! At any rate, I hope you celebrate your birthday and the holidays also. I hope you celebrate who you are- you have goals. I hope also that maybe you can let go for some moments and just enjoy life - I know for instance you say you enjoy watching the NBA. You have friends even here- remember your writing helped inspire me! Who knows- maybe even volunteering for a cause can help you make friends and lead to more in life. Stay in touch!

  • Thank you!💜 i will try to have fun more and focus on smiling more. I need that in my life right now. And yes i love the NBA🏀 and my favorite team is the Golden State Warriors💛💙! They play tonight on tv!😜 It might take some time but i will let you know, and others when i create a blog. It's definitely gonna surround the topic of mental illnesses, and my experiences, emotions, etc. I can't wait but need a littleeeee money first to pay for a domain (think that means URL) 😅😂

  • PS- Have you thought about doing a little side gig for some money - like dog walking or tutoring? I'll bet you'd be great- and you like helping others!

  • No, i haven't. I'm a cat person😂 and don't know anything about dogs and i am not smart for tutoring another person. The biggest thing is i don't know anyone! 😲😑

  • Knock on neighbors doors. Safely. Ask if they have any chores you could help with. Are there any stores or restaurants near you? I’d be out trying anything.

    As for basketball I played all my life from age 5 until I had my car accident. I had just come back from basketball camp the day prior and was leaving basketball practice. I don’t care for NBA as much. It’s not as entertaining to me as college basketball. I love college basketball! Kentucky Wildcats men’s basketball to be exact and obsessed describes it best! I play Minecraft on weekends or days I have my grandson. He asked me to play with him when I bought him his PS4 and now I’m as obsessed as he is. I usually only play with him. Writing poems and stories is also fun. Helps keep your mind off things.

    My dogs are my babies. I have had cats but dogs have such personality. Mine keep me company. I love them. I love their energy. That would be so fun.

    What state do you live in again? I have a horrible memory. I live in VA. I like watching Comedy Central. Kevin Hart just cracks me up! Carbonara effect. Ridiculousness. A lot. Ellen during the day makes me laugh every time!!

    If you can retrain your brain to see good that’s the key. You are so very smart. I pray that you can take some more college classes. When you get stronger maybe start with one class. It will make your whole life better! You will learn skills for a career that will provide for you a better life!

    Don’t stop swimming! Don’t stop swimming!

  • This was very sweet and positive! Thanks! I need to watch more tv and movies like i used to before my depression got more severe. I'm still applying for jobs! And i live in SC! I love cats and wish i could have one😔

  • What day do you turn 20? I'm turning 20 on the 21st of Jan., and I feel like we're in the same place. I had a job for just one day this month. The second day I had to go in I couldn't, and I was let go because of it :c since then my anxiety has been higher. Worse than usual, but now I know I need to do something about it. That's why I joined this site not too long ago. I feel like we could have a great conversation, and could support each other. Contact me!

  • Are you serious? They did that to you? I lost my job because of absences but dang i can't stand people who have NO RESPECT and sympathy for people like us who suffer every single day and its invisible. I'm sorry you had to go through that. After losing my job my depression got worse along with anxiety so you not alone. I didn't leave my house for 3 weeks straight after losing my job. I was afraid to go out. I didn't want people to see my ugly face. And i sunk deeper and one time i felt suicidal after an argument with my parents and they refused to understand my situation and threw the importance of money in my face.

    I will contact you! Thank you!

    Oh and i turn 20 January 7th! 😬 ( I'm scared, it's just gonna be another day😰)

  • It being another day is exactly what it is sweet girl. It’s only as special as you make it. So save up for a movie or dinner etc. Go out and celebrate! Buy yourself a cupcake, or just make some. I never get gifts, cakes etc so I spoil my own self or just ignore. So much so that I often have to think a bit to remember how old I am. Lol. I’m in Virginia. I’ve been to sc and through it a few times. It’s nice.

  • Sounds good 😊

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