I dont know

I'm new, I'm alone, I'm sad, I'm not suicidal but God, just please take me I can't take this. (Keisha, Praying video) how can something so beautiful turn so ugly? JUST ONCE IN MY LIFE I want to be 'enough'. I want to be treated like I deserve. How can true love...I know how...anger and hurt. That's why I'm still here. I just have to keep praying, believing, hoping that my beliefs of good triumphs over hurt and pain, please tell me I didn't waste almost 50 years giving, and caring when it was hard to find out that good guys do finish last and the jerks that have misused and abused that love really have it right and it's fu** or be fu**Ed. That mentality, to me, is worse than the traumas, abuse, neglect and untold pain and struggle that is the day to day of PTSD and anxiety. But it just looks like I will be finishing out my 'golden years' totally alone..NO one!! Not one soul (except THE ONE that matters but is too busy denying his hurts and anger and playing them off as it is all just in my head and anytime I say ANYthing that can in the bizarest of ways be misconstrued as a put down, or slam or just the slightest and innocent of comments brings on vile anger...Denial..not just a river in Egypt) besides HIM...there isn't one person in my life that would know if I laid dead in my bed for a month...OR the worst nightmare played out by TOM(The Other Mind) on a recurring basis, he gets THAT rage angry and hurts me...no one would miss me. I'm sure I'll write more but for tonight, I'm giving in and am going to try to retreat to my pillow with the certain nightmares and inability to breathe well in the nightmares almost seems like a relief from this day and TOM.

If you read this far, thank you.

Goodnight

3 Replies

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  • I am going to commit to praying for you! You will not spend your golden years alone! You will have joy! You will know real love, and you will have peace. I have often asked God to take me home... emptiness is exhausting ... I get it... but then I try to reach down and find a fight in me... as small as it might be I try to fight. One day at a time, one hour, one minute, and one breath at a time. Don't you give up the good stuff is coming... I know it.

  • THANK YOU!!! I'm still here, that's as much fight as I can come up with. I refuse to believe that the most precious gift will be the death of me. I find myself hoping as I enter a big intersection that maybe some semi will run the light!

    Your prayers are welcome

  • Im sorry you are feeling this way..and thanks for your reply to one of my posts..I will also pray for you..

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