I got up and showered which is great. I felt good after but then i heard my dad telling my sister in law i have no job. In front of me. I specifically told both my parents not to tell other people because its none of their freaking business. People love seeing you when you down. No wonder i was getting weird looks from her. Maybe that's my anxiety speaking but my parents lied to me. All my parents care about is money. They were trying to resign for gov. assistance and she helped do the application but still man there is nothing that don't go my way. Call it whatcha want but i am upset by that. I tried to tell my mom about it but she was like "go i don't have time for this, don't wanna hear it". I have NO CONTROL over my sorry behind life. Yeah like they care. I just wish i could disappear from this stupid family. I love them but dang its reallyyyy hard to see if they love/respect me the same. I went in my room and i started replying back to people who actually give a damn.
But one comment got me emotional and i just started to think about how life has turned on me. I got no friends. Family don't give a crap. No job. Like why me? I never hurt a soul. But people loveeee hurtin' me. I don't get it. Guess i'm gonna write in my journal now until my hands are broke. I just don't know when i'll be up.
If i got no job how am i gonna get outta this hell? With my parents? How can i make it with no liscense and car? No money? Don't know how or when i will find a job but i guess i just go into zombie mode and work myself down until i have another deep depressive episode, just barely surviving all to make a stupid dollar to try to pay for my medical crap and going to driving school.
But wait, i have to give up mostly all my money to give to my parents. People only come around when they see it's beneficial. They don't give a crap when you depressed and ain't got nothing to live for. They only see you if your bleeding. So i guess i have to get 2 jobs just to make it out of this broken cycle. I loved my first therapy appointment but dang how is that gonna fix me? I ain't even got the money to get the freaking help i desperately need.
I had to vent because there has to be someone who is feeling like me. Like they are stuck. This thing called life, man i just don't understand it. Life has completely turned on me.