You know the feeling? Heart racing, stomach churning, eyesight fading, lungs on fire begging for air. Panic attacks are controlling my life. Since my boyfriend began using again, there is no life left in me. I am drained. As an addict, seeing him high is seductive. Makes me feel envy in the pit of my stomach. But as his girlfriend, I am nauseated. Infuriated, and quite literally worrying myself sick. I am picking up slack on the bills, and learning not to crumble every time my man looks me in the eyes; with his not so sober glare, and lies to me. It is heart breaking, a deafening scream of emotions. As an addict I can understand the drugs, and am always willing to sponsor those in need. However, I sponsor those who WANT to be clean. As for people like my boyfriend, who have a lifetime romance with the heroin devil, there is nothing he wants less. Everytime heroin sinks his claws in, they cut so deep I feel as though I am prying them out with all my strength, leaving me weak. Who knows if we will make it out to the other side?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.