My life is in danger once again

[Star-of-Aiden]

Last night wasn't a very fun night. My friends and I a usually close but last night they were taking the usual banter way to far.

One of them yelled at me several times as well and everyone could tell I wasn't happy about it.

I woke up today feeling awful and had to walk home in the morning.

But the weight of the emotional exhaustion manifested into physical exhaustion. I managed to get home but I was convinced I was gonna collapse along the way.

Now my mind is replaying the unpleasant experiences as it is want to do whenever it feels "violated". I wish I wasn't so thin-skinned, I wish I was normal and not so pathetic but I can't even control my own mind. I'm so pathetic and worthless.

I have so much, given to me and yet why am I so weak?

my mind has entered the red zone again and suicidal thoughts are bubbling to the surface. It's not their fault. It's mine but I don't want to talk to them.

I skipped a programming lecture this morning because I felt so drained. I'm so pathetic, so pathetic. I'm so sorry for all this, I don't want to make my problems seem so big but this has plagued me all my short life

The constant stress, I can't deal with it. I'm so weak. I don't want to go into that dark place, I don't want to die by my own hand. I want to live but the unbearable weight of my own mind's weakness makes me fantasise about just disappearing.

It's only my dreams of Denmark and my mother that keep me from falling off the deep-end. I refuse to accept I'm normal. I am ill, I want to get better.

That's all.

Sorry I just needed to say more. Now a part of me is angry with them. I should've said something to them. But they know ALREADY!! They've seen me have a panic attack! THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ME! THEY DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ME! >

[Vrt14]

I'm sorry that you were hurt. It doesn't sound like these people are good friends. Try not to spend much time around them. Young people can be immature sometimes. Focus on your studies and hang in there, it will get easier once you're done with school. At least that's how it was for me. I've always had older friends, they have more wisdom and better morals.

[Star-of-Aiden in reply to Vrt14]

I think you might be right. They can be abusive sometimes.