I don't exactly know where to begin I just know I'm at my wits end with my brain. Recently, I've had lots of failed dealings with men and have cut out lots of friends because I don't want to deal with less than what I deserve. I care deeply about everyone and over the last couple of years, I've come in contact with many people who have done me so wrong. In turn, it's made me hyper-sensitive to everyone because I feel like everyone's going to eventually hurt me. I'm now in the place where I'm blaming myself and I just feel really unworthy of happiness and love. I feel like I'm everyone's last choice and it really hurts. I've had severe anxiety and depression since I was 15 so I'm sure that is amplifying my feelings. At that time I was also dealing with suicidal thoughts. Over the last 2 years, thoughts of suicide are pretty constant and especially recently. I know I don't want to die because I feel like I have so much going for me but at the same time, I'm tired of being held hostage by these negative thoughts. I'm tired of holding onto the past and thinking so much about the people that've hurt me. I'm tired of feeling like nothing. I'm just tired. All I want is to be happy and feel loved.
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dahnabennett
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It makes me happy to know you’ve decided to stop engaging with people who treat you like shit. That’s a milestone to be proud of, my friend
It’m important to note that your desire for affection/validation from others is completely natural and healthy. Furthermore, it makes sense that you’re struggling to feel worthwhile considering the interpersonal experiences you’ve described. Sure, we’re told that our value as people comes from within, but the reality of our biochemistry is that external forces affect our perception of what is valuable in life.
My advice is to spend time with positive influences. If you don’t have any role models IRL, I suggest taking to the internet (with caution). I personally look up to Cristine Rotenberg, a.k.a. Simply Nailogical. Despite her popularity as a YouTuber, she maintains a steady job as a crime and health statistician. (To avoid sounding like a sales pitch, I’ll skip the fangirling and instead provide a link to one of her videos at the end of this reply.)
Tl;dr — there’s no shame in feeling under-appreciated, and you rock for shutting down the haters.
It is a great that you do have a desire to live, and can tell that there is a lot going for you. The suicidal thoughts can be exhausting but you can, and you will push through it! Keep your head up and stay positive, all the stuff you have going for you will pay off in the end. Smile
Im exactly the same...I have forgiven myself first for treating myself this way..then I forgive the others..everyday. I'm also stuck in the past, I take 100 percent responsibility for everything..I don't want to blame others for anything even if they've hurt me..I let them hurt me cause i was weak to fight back, I never fought back cause it's not in my nature.. I blame everything on me..it's my fault for everything..Im a loving person..I still love them..only thing though, I don't love myself, also feel unworthy of happiness, and also hostage to negative thoughts..this is where it got me in the end..now I am fighting all this depression and anxiety alone..fighting for a better me, to find strength and happiness and love..suicide won't get you anywhere but I know it's comforting..I hope you find happiness and love ..you are not alone..
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Just wanting to vent...
Just want to give up 
Just wanted to let it out
I just want to end it
