I apologize now if this is long. But I just have so much going on and I just need to tell someone so I don’t feel so alone.
In the past 20 years of my life I have never felt more alone then I do in this moment right now.
When I was three I was put into the foster care system, I was eventually adopted by another family when I was five along with my younger brother who was everything to me. My name was changed and I was given a new life. For my age I was more developed and “responsible” then any five year old should have been and it was clear that I knew what was going on. Now when I say responsible I mean I was taking care of my brother instead of being a cute five year old. And while I can’t remember anything, I still feel it everyday, that fierce independence covering my five year old fears. I remember that feeling. I learned how to hide my emotions before I could even talk. I didn’t cry often and I didn’t ask for what I needed. I got it myself, but always gave to my baby brother first. My personality hasn’t changed a bit except the circumstances have.
Back to the family who adopted me, I never fully accepted them as my family. Because I had bonded with my birth mom I didn’t ever fully bond with my new parents as I should have. Instead I appreciated them for who they were and what they were doing for me but I was always a bit distant, I never hated them and I enjoyed being around them. Over time my adopted mom began resenting me, and the emotional abuse began. She wanted to be something I wasn’t and would do anything she could to make me feel Terrible for it. I was never good enough, my rules were stricter then my other siblings, and I was given very little emotional support to the point of it being non existent. She will to this day never admit that she does anything wrong, and that it was me the entire time. Yes I rebelled as a middle schooler. I still got all As and Bs in school, I went to swim practice and was incredible at it, I had friends. But I made mistakes. Nothing life altering but still I made some poor decisions. I don’t let them define me but my mom tried to force that was all I would ever be. That me.
I left my family after years of conflict. After years of therapy where I felt I was working my butt off to be a better version of myself for me and my family, but was never getting anywhere because iwas never enough . It got to the point where therapy was no longer even focused on bettering myself because the only issue was my family and the effects they had on my emotional state. My self esteem was so low because of how badly they would beat me down. And they never let anything go and in turn I couldn’t forget my mistakes and I beat myself down too. Yet when I wasn’t around them I felt almost a sense of relief. I was so unhappy don’t get me wrong but it was somewhat less sucky. Everyone in my life except my family adored me though because I was so easy to talk to and I put so much effort into being there for other people. But I hated myself.
Fast forward to when I first walked away. I moved in with my boyfriends family. Now they offered to have me stay with them because they knew what I was going through and wanted to be there for me. I was hesitant because I had only been with him for five months but I really did love him and I felt a strong bond. It just felt right. Someone reaching out to help me. So i accepted
It was great at first. I was happy and I felt accepted. I felt so loved. And I loved him back. On top of that his family was accepting of me and helped me in a time of need. And it felt right.
After almost six months things started to change for the worse. The honeymoon phase disappeared and it was drastic. It was like everyone suddenly turned on me. His mom would take me in these meetings where she would tell me how I was manipulating her son and being lazy. She’d tell me I was too emotional. She was putting herself in my relationship with him and she didn’t even care how wrong it was because, and I quote “It was her house.” He never stood up to her but he continued to be there for me through this. He continued to be my rock and the light in my life. She would tell me what to do and how to live my life and she didn’t even care what I had to say. It was her house and her son. She would take him into her office almost nightly and rattle off things I was doing wrong and how I wasn’t enough and how he didn’t have to stay with me if he didn’t want to. It was horrifying. Why? Because I genuinely loved him. But I had no where to go. I had no place of my own. I got a job because she told me I had to get one, and I started saving money so him and I could move out. I could see this effecting him to. She knew I was saving money and she knew I had the means to move out on my own. So she told me I either need to move out or go back to Pennsylvania and deal with my “demons” there whatever that meant. All that money I was saving went into an apartment, but he didn’t come with me. He said it was a step forward for us. He promised he wouldn’t leave me and in a few months he’d move in with me. I should have known then and there something was off. But He was everything to me. And I trusted him when he told me this. Everyone knew us as the cute couple who was always together. The couple everyone knew would get married without a doubt. Everyone’s favorite couple as he used to say. We were in love. And we worked perfectly together. But the conflict with his mom really tore us. And it caused more fights then I can count because it was so emotionally distressing and she would pit us against each other. He wouldn’t stand up to her. And I couldn’t because i had no where to go. And it was hurting him too.
So two weeks after I moved out he stopped answering my messages and stopped visiting me. Two years together and suddenly he was angry I was calling him so much. I was very confused and hurt beyond belief.
He dumped me and my entire world was shattered. I lost everything. He was what I wanted, underneath all this with his mom I still saw him. But he couldn’t and didn’t want me in his life anymore. And i was left with nothing. He moved on and I had no family. No friends. And not a single person who checked on me.
Now that we’re caught up to the now I want to say why I’m writing this. I hit rock bottom.
I still text my ex begging for him back like an idiot.
I cry myself to sleep every night.
I go to work to come home to an empty fridge because I have little money, and I sleep on the floor of my apartment because I can’t afford a mattress.
I don’t have friends and not for lack of trying. I can’t hold relationships even though friends is the one thing I want so desperately. They just stop answering. Stop inviting me. And stop trying all together.
My brother won’t talk to me and when he does the only things he has to say are a ton of curse words about how terrible I am even when I offer to be there for him.
I was left with nothing and I still am having such a hard time pulling myself out.
I hate myself.
All this I’m telling you I genuinely feel like I’ve done something to deserve this. Like there’s something about me that people don’t like. I’m constantly trying to figure out what is so terrible about me that makes people leave me. What makes them hate me. Why I am so undesirable. I beat myself down further and further everyday. .
I often feel like taking my life because I just am so unhappy and see no worth in myself.
I haven’t even scratched the surface of how much despair I feel even as I write this I see no purpose in living.
I am slowly starting to get back financially but emotionally I am stating to really fall apart.
I tried reaching out to my family. But they still are one in the same and are almost worse. They rattle off everything I’ve done to ruin their lives.
I’m just so alone. And so sad all the time
I’ve done everything the internet has told me to do to fix a broken heart. Everything it says on making new friends and reconnecting with old. I’m getting no where and I’m trying so hard.
I go days with out a single friend texting me. I have cried every day this month. I’m just not getting better.
I’m getting worse.
And I just feel so alone.