Hello, I am 22, I am an italian girl, and I am new on this site. I am writing because i do not feel very well lately, my life is in constant confusion, and i am looking for answers concerning myself in a desperate way.
I have a long distance relationship since 1 year, with a palestinian young man (22 as well). We met on Erasmus in France; we fell in love despite knowing the difficulties we were going to meet after the end of those wonderful months spent together. In fact now he is back living his life in Palestine, while I am in Italy; we have not seen each other for 4 months, and we still do not know when our next meeting will be. We call each other and we text every day, but in contrast to him, i can not go on easily with my life here at home.
I am still studying at university, supposed to graduate in few months, but i am not busy at all: I have a lot of free time so i feel lonely and bad, all i can see in my future is failure. I miss him and I recognize i am needy with him. He is still my priority, while it seems i am not his, despite he tells me that he loves me. This makes me feel terribly sad and anxious. I just can not control myself with jealousy. In fact the worst thing i noticed in me is that I feel as if he could find a better girlfriend wherever, without telling me. I am so anxious he will betray me cause I am sad and disconsolate most of the time... I am like a control maniac, he feels that i am staliking him and i know this behaviour is pulling him apart; in fact we often fight because i claim support form him. I have trust issues with him, even though there is not a real reason. I am really going down with negative thoughts all the time and i feel compassion for myself, and also for him. Could this fear of replacement be a problem of low self esteem? I have never felt a brave and valuable person since childhood, and this is going worse during this period.
Thanks for reading this messy message.