Why do I hurt her? How can I get better?

[agomes081917]

Recently I have found myself more and more angry, anxious, and insecure. On top of all of that I have been depressed for years since my divorce and I never really sought help for it. I have built up this façade that I don't need help and that if I try to get help no one will understand me. I want to open up to my girlfriend, but I'm afraid she will not know how to handle my issues and will judge me and leave me anyone. I jumped to conclusions recently and I lost my temper and asked her to leave and immediately after I just looked at myself and said, "Why did I do that?" This isn't the first time. I have done this a total of three times and she doesn't deserve that. I love her so much and she has agreed to be with me as long as I receive help. I wonder if this is the right place. I don't want to see a doctor because I don't want to be medicated, nor can I afford to see a doctor about this. I want her to understand that in a fit such as the one I recently had, I projected outward and she was in the direct path of it all. I bottle everything up but that is text book behavior for someone like me and I just can't figure out what to do and how to beat this thing. Please help me.

My apology to her:

Macey,

A man has to stop and look at himself and realize that he is wrong. I don't want to make excuses anymore. I know you are tired and rightfully so. I couldn't sleep and I couldn't eat and for the first time in a long time I had an awful nightmare and you weren't here to stop. There is no one to blame but myself. I was reading a lot last night to try and understand myself and how I can overcome this obstacle. I am not always right and I need to realize that. One article said, "We act the way we act, but it lands on our partners in different ways and it's important to understand how our partner receives our actions." That's where I failed and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to love you in the ways you deserve to be loved. The same article also reads, "The reality is that people who love us will hurt us -- but we don't have to say that it's okay. Reconciliation is possible, and acceptance of imperfection and that our needs are at odds with other people. We shouldn't apologize for our own needs, but we should apologize for being thoughtless or careless." I'm not asking for you to say its okay, I'm asking for you to accept me for my imperfections and that you never let me make an excuse for my actions ever again. Finally, in the last article I read I shared these same feelings with this person but I am not a person of words in the same sense as this person. I'm sorry, "All the times I pushed you away because I didn't want you to notice that I wasn't being myself. The times I got angry for no reason, was irritable, and decided the easiest option was to cut you out of my life instead of letting you in... The moments I wasn't 100% invested in our conversations, when my attention wandered as you told me what's been going on... I'm sorry for doubting that you'd understand. I'm sorry that my brain told me I couldn't trust you or rely on you, that telling you what was happening would be a mistake." To sum it up this person hit the nail on the head in a way I never could, " That's the thing about depression -- it becomes your biggest secret and your closest friend, and pushes everyone else away in the process. Depression hides the person people know and love." I don't want to hide from you anymore. I say this because this can give you the power to make me or break me. I love you so much Macey.

Sincerely,

Anthony