First experience of depression (I'm new here)

[emily3012]

I find that writing my experiences, even if they're bad, helps me calm myself down quite a bit. I would say for about 4 years I've been flirting with depression. I wasn't truly depressed but I knew in the back of my head I was at risk for this illness to one day take over. Over those four years the fatigued, overwhelming days of wanting to be alone only increased and very recently I had my first actual experience with depression. I can't begin to explain it, but it was the worst feeling in the world. Even when you come out of an "episode" for lack of a better word, it still looms in the background and I never actually feel happy or freed of depression. I spent that day crying uncontrollably in my room only wanting to sleep, yet when I'd lay in bed there'd be no sleeping taking place, only being drowned in nothingness. Again, very hard to explain but if I were to explain it as best I can it would be like having an existential crisis but add chronic sadness, fatigue, worry, and lifelessness. I had never experienced not wanting or being able to do simple tasks like get up and make food without starting to cry and wanting to return to bed. It was terrible, but it was a chance for me to realize that this is real. Now that I know what I'm dealing with the only trouble I have is letting my family and friends know. One of my parents is very emotional and I know that as soon as I tell them what's going on I just feel as if they will completely break down because I have a feeling that they've known that this was going to happen, which is why I'm very scared to tell them in the first place. I would hate to see my loved ones under even more stress and adding yet another thing to worry about. Nevertheless, I know it's necessary and I find that writing about it is a first good step in the right direction.

[Hidden]

Hello Dear One. Please know you are not alone. Many of us go thru that. The decision you must make is whether you're gonna continue to give into your negative feelings or realize it's self defeating. A trick I use to keep myself from spiraling downward is saying "STOP" to myself as soon as I notice I'm getting negative. I say STOP, and then I replace the thought or action with positivity. It's gonna take time to fix but, EVERY LITTLE BIT BETTER IS BETTER

[Hidden]

I completely understand you! I haven't been depressed for as long as you (around 7 months), but it has really hit me hard, and I feel similar to how you feel everyday. It really sucks, but if you have loved ones that are supportive then you should tell them it will make you feel better, and know its not your fault you're like this.