I should be happy, but I'm not.

[RedBear]

I have so many positives in my life (husband, son, nice house in CA, currently living in Italy, Doctor of physical therapy) but I'm so depressed. I have many acquaintances but no friends. No one I can lean on. I'm in therapy (over the phone) but my doctor doesn't want to change my meds until I move back to CA. I work out 5 days a week. I've learned to cook, I'm learning to speak Italian, but I feel so empty and worthless. My son is challenging, he's making the terrible twos beyond cope-able for me. My husband seems at a loss to help. Mental health in Italy is extremely stigmatized and I'm afraid to see a doctor here. I'm looking for support I think. I don't know what I need anymore. I don't see myself ever getting better as I've been diagnosed with depression for 20 years now, more than 1/2 my life.

[mlc55]

Hi there. I just joined HealthUnlocked and read your post first. So much of what you shared hit home with me.

One thing I do know is that it IS possible to feel better whether you were diagnosed with depression 20 years ago, or just 1. I went undiagnosed until well into my 30's after moving away from my family and friends, and was hit especially hard by postpartum depression after having my son. That was one of my most debilitating exacerbations ever. Having a child changes your life, especially when you are already vulnerable. With the combination of moving and not having your family or close friends, and a active toddler (who can zap any energy you are able to muster up), I can see where you are feeling afraid, anxious and hopeless.

It sounds like you are making positive attempts to help yourself, especially exercising and staying in contact with your doctor. I personally don't understand why your doctor would at least increase the dose of you current medication by even small increments. My doctor prescribed some estrogen for me after being diagnosed with postpartum depression, along with an antidepressant, and a mediation to help me sleep. It took a couple of weeks but it helped.

Negative thoughts are always easier to have than positive when we feel like this. If you were to write down every negative thought for a couple of days, you will see how negative overtakes us. Try it for just one day, and then the next day, try counterattacking each negative thought by a positive thought. This has worked for me in the past.

Sending positive thoughts your way!

[RedBear in reply to mlc55]

Thanks, I needed that.