Slowly giving up.

[Jade1992]

I know everyone says God doesn't give you anymore than you can handle, or he gives his strongest warriors the hardest battles. All I can think is enough is enough! I have lost grandchildren, my own son, a nephew, a boyfriend, a cousicousin, and now my Aunt. I just wish he would stop. I had a breakdown last year that caused me to be in a hospital for 9 days while they figured me out. I felt better when I came out, but unfortunatelyit didn't last long. I feel myself sliding down that slope again. I don't know how to stop it. It seems the harder I try the more slime that gets poured into that slope. I don't know what else to do.😢😭

[Hidden]

It sounds like you have lost so many people that were close to you and that must be so hard. I know what they say and I used to find it comforting but now I'm not so sure. Sometimes it just seems so unfair. i have no answers for you but hear your pain. I hope you have friends and family around who can support you through as well as us on here. Lots of hugs x

[Jade1992 in reply to Hidden]

Thanks. As for friends really don't have any. As for family I really don't want to burden them with my problems when they have their own. Trying to do this on my own.

[CaptainCrunch]

Thank you for posting here. I am glad you shared all that you have been going through. It is all horrible and painful. I know my suffering isn't the same as yours has been. We all have our own struggles and this can feel very unfair.

Personally and currently my wife admitted to nine years of infidelity in our 20 years of marriage. I felt pain I never knew I could feel. The broken trust and years of lies. After disclosure she recommended us getting tested for AIDS and other vanarial diseases. I couldn't fathom this kind of selfishness. To jeopardize me and our kids. On top of that came all the loss of what I thought was our exclusive intimacy. However she was asking me for forgiveness...

This became a true test of faith. What helped me through this season... and with no lies I still struggle at times... is that Christ had committed no sin... yet he suffered and completely forgave with no repentance on our part. This was the first time someone I had to forgive such an ultimate betrayal. I just had to keep reminding my self that it is supposed to be considered a joy when we share in Chirst's suffering. Those verses never ment anything to me until this season.

So what I am say is the work being done in you is Divine. We have no strength to do it. The pain you are feeling is completely unimaginable. No one knows just how you feel.

I have had to really learn to let go. I have had to recognize that just being still and continue to breath is all I have to do. The work being done is out of my hands. But daily I run out of patience. So I am glad for sites like this that I have been given to show me that I am not the only one struggling. Life is terribly unfair at times but there is purpose and hope.

Please try to rest. You don't have to figure anything out. Just keep posting. I am hear to listen.

[Jade1992 in reply to CaptainCrunch]

Thank you for just listening. I am so sorry about what your wife has done to you. I'm not saying that just forgiving it will go away. They say once they cheat they will always cheat. Not trying to say that she Will, but there will always be a chance she will do it again.

[Hidden]

I am so sorry for all that you have lost, for the breakdown, and for feeling like you are sliding again or trying to swim against the current. You are strong and courageous, but it is a stupid saying that God won't give you more than you can handle - in fact, I don't think that is very theologically sound. The Bible does say to consider it all joy when you face trials of various kinds - it doesn't mean that you can't cry or be upset or express your losses and grievances. Real religion - at least in the Christian tradition - is to weep with those who weep.

I've lost my job at a ministry, and just came back from church service, but as soon as I got to my car I just broke down with uncontrollable tears - a former coworker sat next to me and asked how I was - and I just lied through my teeth. Two others couldn't even be bothered to walk over to me. I feel your pain and I know how scary it is to think you are going "there" again. Are you in counseling at this point, or on any medication? (I am on two to help - and sometimes you need a change in dosage or just something that works better with your brain chemistry.) It took me about 4 months before I finally had a meltdown an went to the hospital for 6 days and a new medication is helping.

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

God is faithful and He will bring you through this - but I would urge you to go back to your doctor(s) and tell them about what is going on so that you can either get on a medicine, a higher dosage, or a different one. Depending upon your location - it might help you to get into an out-patient group counseling so that you have more support.

[Jade1992 in reply to Hidden]

Unfortunately we don't have support groups around here (at least none I have found).

[Jade1992 in reply to Hidden]

Yes on meds. I have 1 for my anxiety (which has not worked in over 6 months and have told Dr this many times his "fix" was to take me off my antidepressant) and 1 for my mood/sleep disorder. I wish I could receive therapy, but at this time I have no income and do not qualify for Medicaid in my state so no insurance. I am doing good to come up with the $30 needed to see the Dr every 3 months. I am currently fighting to get my disability and have been at it for almost 2 years now. When I lost my 1st granddaughter to sids at 18 days old I started slipping. It was getting hard to work and when I lost my son and nephew in a horrific car accident I really had a hard time. I was having panic attacks so bad that I landed up in the er due to chest pains. Never knew they were panic attacks as I have never had one. Shortly after losing my son I couldn't bare to do anything. Started pushing people away all because they kept telling me that time will heal all wounds. I do not agree with this. Yes I was mad at God for doing this. I couldn't understand why he was taking away everyone I loved. Since the accident my relationship with my younger sister has become strained. She was the mother or my nephew who also passed. (She never wanted him and would tell everyone the same. She kicked him and her husband out of the house when he was not even 3 years old. He had only gone back to her within the year of his passing. When I was left to call family as to the accident I called her and told her my son had passed and she laughed! Yes I said she laughed, until I told her her son also passed and then and only then did she cry!) I'm so sorry for going on about all this.

[Hidden]

I'm so very sorry. I don't think you are going on at all - but really need some more supportive people in your life. Have you gone to 211 or called 211? Most states have this and it can maybe get you some mental health care free or on a sliding scale fee. I have tried to get some help from this, but a lot of it is more at the end of my rope than I already am - like they won't help unless you have an eviction notice - I don't want to be evicted - I want help staying afloat! I also ended up in the er with chest pains - panic attacks are a bitc-. Are there any food pantries where you are at? It might be worth it to check out local churches - if you can get low cost something, you might be able to save your money for something else.

[Jade1992 in reply to Hidden]

The clinic I go to to see Dr is on a sliding pay scale. I pay the lowest amount . Unfortunately seeing a therapist costs more. Every time I "think" I am getting better something else comes along. When my Aunt was put out of her home she moved in with me. She made it little over a month before she passed away. I was holding her one hand while my mother held her other when she took her last breath. It was very hard for both of us. I am trying really hard to be strong for my mom. My aunt was the last of her family besides us girls. My older sister is in prison for the rest of her life right along with her husband for molesting my girls. U have not seen or talked to her in 2 years. I have nothing to say to Them ! I can't talk to my little sister as we have grown apart due to the accident that took our sons. The last I talked to her I went off on both her and her boyfriend for taking advantage of my mother. So all I really have left is my mom and daughters. My oldest got hooked on meth for a while after the passing of her brother, but woke up when she was threatened that someone would take her son. She sought help and got of the drugs. Now she drinks almost everyday. It's hard on all of us. My youngest daughter lives 3 hours away so we don't get to see each other very much. So all I have is my mom and I don't want to tell her how I am feeling because I don't want to be selfish when it comes to my Aunt. I want to be there for her during this time so I don't talk about what I am going thru.

[Hidden]

another thought - for local support groups: Grief Share. & another is Celebrate Recovery isn't just about alcoholism but can help you with depression and maybe put you in touch with people who can say - yeah, that dr treated me like this too - go to Dr so an so instead. I've thought about going to an AA meeting even though I don't have problems with this - but just for the support aspect and meeting others who are struggling.

[Jade1992 in reply to Hidden]

I never thought about going to an AA meeting. I never thought I could get the support I needed there as I'm not an alcoholic. I got lucky when I found this site and was able to get out what I needed to say without becoming a bother to my family. I don't want to become my little sister (which only seeks pity and whatever else she can get from people). I am seeking help with what is going on in my head. I mean Every time I go to Dr I tell him the same thing that the meds are NOT working. He asks if I see/hear things that are not here. I tell him yes Every time. It's almost like he asks the questions only to ignore what I have to say. He took me off my antidepressant and now I feel like crap. I'm sad all the time and I'm afraid I may land up trying to commit suicide again. The ONLY thing that has stopped me is my son telling me if i do that then I will NEVER see him again. I have tried 3 xs CD in my life to stop the pain. The last time I made a call to the hotline and was put in hospital for 9 days. It's getting to the point where I am becoming afraid to leave my own home.

[Hidden in reply to Jade1992]

Do you have a choice of other doctors? If he isn't listening- that's stupid. You are paying him and hopefully there is someone more in tune. It takes a while but there is lifeline crisis chat where you can pretty much stay anonymous. Sending good thoughts

[Jade1992 in reply to Hidden]

Unfortunately until I can get some kind of medical coverage I am stuck with him. We do not have any kind of free clinics around here. The closest one to me is 3 hours away. So that is not an option.