I'm really struggling right now

[Kaiyote_Kirigaya]

Hi, my name is Kaiyote and this is my first time on this site. First I'd like to say that I'm looking to start a conversation here. I need someone to talk to while I work through and hopefully best this monster.

I'm going to start by saying that I'm 23 years old, diagnosed with bipolar II and generalized anxiety disorder. I've been struggling with these issues for about nine years. Things have become increasingly worse since five years ago in High School. I've been through various treatments including medications and psychotherapy. I have been hospitalized once following a suicide attempt. One of many...

I feel like my current situation has Murphey's Law written all over it. Despite my current medications I've hit a deep depression and a bad situation to accompany it.

I think I'll start with today. I just got home after a partial day at work. The restaurant cut me early and my hours aren't adding up to enough for me to barely pay my bills. On the way home my car had a timing belt break and the engine went with it. I was stranded on the freeway for an hour before I had it towed back to my house. I'll have to replace the engine and the transmission. I've only had this car for about 60 days and there is no warranty. Ever since starting and finishing college I've been struggling with my financials (surprise surprise aren't student loans fun?) and have had times where I couldn't even afford food for weeks on end. This is one of those times. And now i have no car (until i pay thousands to fix it) to get to work. Great.

I'm sure I'll work out the details, that's not the major problem. What is a problem is the monster hiding just out of my periphery at every moment of the day. I would say it goes away when I sleep but it seems even my dreams are filled with deeply painful imagery and emotion. This monster is so present in my space that I feel real pain. I find myself trapped under its immense weight as if the sky itself was resting on my shoulders. It whispers horrible things, makes everything that could be good and turns it sour and rotten with nothing but a touch. It invades my thoughts the way a parasite might crawl into my ear, causing such agony as to make me scream for mercy. This monster alters my thoughts. Where I once felt welcome and warm, I now cannot reach. Those who I care for feel so distant despite standing right in front of me. I feel so alone...

This is the form my depression often takes when it gets bad. I grow so tired of fighting my own mind. It's so hard to hold onto what little hope i have left. How much longer will I feel like this? How many more times will I consider taking my own life? How many more times can I resist the urge-- the need to jump?

-Kaiyote

[poodlelover81]

Wow, it sounds like you're going through a rough time being unable to pay for food, being unable to pay the bills, etc. I'm just going to attach a link to this here:themighty.com/2017/06/movie...

May I recommend The Babadook. I I used to suffer from mental illness (ocd and depression) and I was in PCP once for suicidal fantasies. The Babadook is such a strong metaphor for what anyone with mental illness goes through: you can't get rid of it, but it can be controlled.

themighty.com/2017/06/relat...

[Jadedoe]

Sounds like a rough day. Truly. When things turn grim it seems like thats when the depression/anxiety seems to creep in. The only good thing is it passes. Just take the day to do something u enjoy or find relaxing, because everything that happend can be completely fixed. May take some time but its doable. Watch a movie, drink a small amount of wine, paint, catch up on some house work. And remember it will get better!

[copasedic]

I think I can say I know what you’re feeling. I’ve been there and you describe it quite well. I told people that bi-polar is like an invisible wild untamed bucking bronco that I am forced to ride. It’s all I can do to hang onto the beast for dear life as it wreaks havoc trampling over friends flower gardens, and upsetting applecarts. I’m left with the devastation left in it’s wake, and because the beast is invisible it’s blameall falls on me! Seriously, wouldn’t you rather have cancer sometimes? People understand cancer, they sympathize, they bring over casseroles, send flowers. I also say that medication (while it took me years to find the right combination) is the tack that controls the beast. It’s still wild, but it’s more manageable... I can control the ride better, keep the beast out of friend’s flower gardens. Mostly. I wish you well. I pray for you! Know that you are not alone! We are warriors! We are special!