Hi, my name is Kaiyote and this is my first time on this site. First I'd like to say that I'm looking to start a conversation here. I need someone to talk to while I work through and hopefully best this monster.
I'm going to start by saying that I'm 23 years old, diagnosed with bipolar II and generalized anxiety disorder. I've been struggling with these issues for about nine years. Things have become increasingly worse since five years ago in High School. I've been through various treatments including medications and psychotherapy. I have been hospitalized once following a suicide attempt. One of many...
I feel like my current situation has Murphey's Law written all over it. Despite my current medications I've hit a deep depression and a bad situation to accompany it.
I think I'll start with today. I just got home after a partial day at work. The restaurant cut me early and my hours aren't adding up to enough for me to barely pay my bills. On the way home my car had a timing belt break and the engine went with it. I was stranded on the freeway for an hour before I had it towed back to my house. I'll have to replace the engine and the transmission. I've only had this car for about 60 days and there is no warranty. Ever since starting and finishing college I've been struggling with my financials (surprise surprise aren't student loans fun?) and have had times where I couldn't even afford food for weeks on end. This is one of those times. And now i have no car (until i pay thousands to fix it) to get to work. Great.
I'm sure I'll work out the details, that's not the major problem. What is a problem is the monster hiding just out of my periphery at every moment of the day. I would say it goes away when I sleep but it seems even my dreams are filled with deeply painful imagery and emotion. This monster is so present in my space that I feel real pain. I find myself trapped under its immense weight as if the sky itself was resting on my shoulders. It whispers horrible things, makes everything that could be good and turns it sour and rotten with nothing but a touch. It invades my thoughts the way a parasite might crawl into my ear, causing such agony as to make me scream for mercy. This monster alters my thoughts. Where I once felt welcome and warm, I now cannot reach. Those who I care for feel so distant despite standing right in front of me. I feel so alone...
This is the form my depression often takes when it gets bad. I grow so tired of fighting my own mind. It's so hard to hold onto what little hope i have left. How much longer will I feel like this? How many more times will I consider taking my own life? How many more times can I resist the urge-- the need to jump?