Fed Up! Upped my med

Tonight I decided to listen to my psychiatrist and up my Amitriptyline to 20mg. I know that this medication is not going to cure this HELL depersonalization/ derealization (since apparently there's no cure for it) but I'm hoping this medicine would take away this God awful anxiety that keeps coming from this hell. I am to infinity and beyond mentally exhausted. I am tired of getting this twilight zone attacks that feels like my soul is leaving my body and my eyes get this sick vision of unreality and doom. I am tired of trying to explain this to people and they look at me like I am all types of crazy and who can blame them? This does sound disturbingly crazy. I am tired of walking around for 4 months with intense 3D vision and questioning reality or people. Thank God that I no longer look at people questioning if they are real or part of my imagination or thinking I'm in a coma and going to wake up any minute. Those thoughts are VERY slowly fading. I'm tired of forcing myself to do things that I loved because right away I start feeling that stupid soul brain detachment nightmare. I'm tired of people telling me I look great when I'm crumbling in the inside. I'm tired of pretending I'm enjoying activities so I can keep my kids happy. I should've have to pretend. I loved doing those thing 4 months ago. I'm tired of feeling like I'm just floating in a bubble that needs to be popped. I'm tired of crying for days because I feel horrific and I don't understand why I am like this now. I am also tired of being hyper aware of every single thing and my existence. Who would have thought being aware you existe could be so terrifying? Oh and this hell doesn't like memories neither. I'm tired of walking around for 4 months like if I have a veil on top of me and the constant feeling of doom,unreality, panic hell over me. I'm tired of walking around like a zombie and not feeling any joy or happiness for 4 months when I was always happy before this. I AM TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3 Replies

  • Dear Hoppingcat :) -- As a mother of two kids, one with behavioral and cognitive problems, I deal with the same things you mentioned. Exactly as you said, I feel tried to pretend that I'm ok.

    I must tell you the ONLY thing that is helping me is when I decided to take my kids to a local church where both my kids and myself felt free knowing that we are in the hands of God. And handing in all my struggles and pains to Him.

    Also, it helped me get a lot of burdens off of my shoulder knowing that I don't need to fix all of the problems .. I'm not in control but God is.

  • Thank You

    I am also a mother of a special needs child and I have 2 others. I want to get better for them. I want to be back to being me. It really sucks.

  • What you spoke of is so true, I don't know you but I feel proud of you for having the courage to say how you feel and for acknowledging those feelings and getting the help. Getting help for the feelings is so hard to do! Great job!

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