College is my only option right now to get away from my situation with my parents. But, i have just as many doubts. Will i be able to make it out there on my own? My parents always told me that i can't. They are crazy, overprotective to the point of strange, and sexist. My parents say i can't make it like my brothers have since I'm a woman. That angers me even more. How am i gonna fit in in college? How am i gonna have money? I'm really pushing myself to do something that i really don't wanna even do. I always hated school since middle and high school but i always had good grades and got awards. I just get stressed out and get anxiety about school work. But I'm going to try.
Althoughout high school while i got bullied really bad, i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life. Bullying really is the blame i guess and my self essteem and hatred for myself. I truly felt like being bullied was my biggest distraction from thinking ahead about my own life and future. Senior year in high school i hated hearing every single day about college from the teachers, administrators, and other students. All of my classmates smiled and laughed about applying to their favorite schools. It made me sick because i wondered why am i the only one who is extremely depressed and stressed out about college? I ended up giving into the pressure of appying and going straight to college after high school. "SOMETHING I DEEPLY REGRET." I applied to a few....random colleges to be honest. I was LYING to myself. I was trying to be like everyone else to hide my true feelings. Some applications were free but some where like 35 dollars. I wasted money i didn't even really have to spend....all for nothing. So i never went to any of those colleges. But at the last minute i decided to go to technical college. I was a full time student with taking 4 core classes. I took english, math, psychology, and sociology. I took psych and socio because i like them and thought i wanted to be like a therapist. Today i don't know anymore i just want my life to end. It's not like I'm getting anywhere and going anywhere in life. So around this time i also had my first job (same one i got now), and around the holidays i was pretty much working full time hours. I began to sink deeper and deeper without realizing it and eventually one day i just stopped going to school. One day i just couldn't get out of the bed at all. I didn't eat all day. I was so depressed i got a higher dosage of my medication. I never went back. I REGRET that so much. Because i couldn't take it. I WAS and STILL AM BROKEN. I just don't know what to do. So how do i go to a 4 year college if my parents never taught me anything about life and never prepared me for life? They never even taught me how to drive. But they taught my older brothers. They raised and treated me differently. They verbally abusive me. Always give me negative talk. They curse me out and belittle me. I do so much for them and get nothing back. They say they are still taking care of me when i think "nah i just live here and forced against my will to give up money." I try to take care of myself. But they don't take care of me. So i'm scared. I really wish i could just stop living. If i died, there would only be 6 people at my funeral: my parents and my 2 older brothers, sister in law, and my friend. Thats it. My life never touched anyone or anything so its not even a real loss. My life is worthless anyways.