I NEVER know which way to turn😔

College is my only option right now to get away from my situation with my parents. But, i have just as many doubts. Will i be able to make it out there on my own? My parents always told me that i can't. They are crazy, overprotective to the point of strange, and sexist. My parents say i can't make it like my brothers have since I'm a woman. That angers me even more. How am i gonna fit in in college? How am i gonna have money? I'm really pushing myself to do something that i really don't wanna even do. I always hated school since middle and high school but i always had good grades and got awards. I just get stressed out and get anxiety about school work. But I'm going to try.

Althoughout high school while i got bullied really bad, i didn't know what i wanted to do with my life. Bullying really is the blame i guess and my self essteem and hatred for myself. I truly felt like being bullied was my biggest distraction from thinking ahead about my own life and future. Senior year in high school i hated hearing every single day about college from the teachers, administrators, and other students. All of my classmates smiled and laughed about applying to their favorite schools. It made me sick because i wondered why am i the only one who is extremely depressed and stressed out about college? I ended up giving into the pressure of appying and going straight to college after high school. "SOMETHING I DEEPLY REGRET." I applied to a few....random colleges to be honest. I was LYING to myself. I was trying to be like everyone else to hide my true feelings. Some applications were free but some where like 35 dollars. I wasted money i didn't even really have to spend....all for nothing. So i never went to any of those colleges. But at the last minute i decided to go to technical college. I was a full time student with taking 4 core classes. I took english, math, psychology, and sociology. I took psych and socio because i like them and thought i wanted to be like a therapist. Today i don't know anymore i just want my life to end. It's not like I'm getting anywhere and going anywhere in life. So around this time i also had my first job (same one i got now), and around the holidays i was pretty much working full time hours. I began to sink deeper and deeper without realizing it and eventually one day i just stopped going to school. One day i just couldn't get out of the bed at all. I didn't eat all day. I was so depressed i got a higher dosage of my medication. I never went back. I REGRET that so much. Because i couldn't take it. I WAS and STILL AM BROKEN. I just don't know what to do. So how do i go to a 4 year college if my parents never taught me anything about life and never prepared me for life? They never even taught me how to drive. But they taught my older brothers. They raised and treated me differently. They verbally abusive me. Always give me negative talk. They curse me out and belittle me. I do so much for them and get nothing back. They say they are still taking care of me when i think "nah i just live here and forced against my will to give up money." I try to take care of myself. But they don't take care of me. So i'm scared. I really wish i could just stop living. If i died, there would only be 6 people at my funeral: my parents and my 2 older brothers, sister in law, and my friend. Thats it. My life never touched anyone or anything so its not even a real loss. My life is worthless anyways.

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  • Hey!

    Listen I can really tell that you're in a very conflicted and emotional issue right now. I know how it feels to not know what do to or where to go. I'm sorry that you are treated the way that you are by your parents, you shouldn't be treated unfairly like that! I have a bit of advice for you because to an extent I can relate. You're in college and to be there compared to the thousands of young adults every year who don't make it is impressive! I know the feeling of wanting to get out and break free from everything. Keep studying! Honestly with education, anything is possible! It may seem like the world is going to end now and you don't see a way out but trust me it does get better. Try to focus on your studies because with a career you can live the life you want to live and get out of the situation that you're in now!

    That's mainly my point and if you want anyone to talk to I'm here!

  • Thank you but i just don't think life is that easy. Its impossible. I can't see things positively at all. I have nothing to offer. I'm not even smart enough.

  • You are enough! And you life does make a difference. I've been remembering you advice this week

  • I'm crying right now i just don't get life. I have no one in person to talk to. I literally went to the doctor this morning and all doctors are booked up. My appointment is the 26 and the 14 of july. I need depression meds. I was stupid tonight but i took a 20mg flouxine pill along with iron, vitimin D, and medmofin pill. I have been freaking cold turkey my depression medicine for months now i can't remember. I took it after i ate my dinner. I just said what the heck lets see what happens. I was sick as a dog tonight. Its 3:27 where I'm at and i have insomina. I sleep all day and stay up all a.m. since 12. I don't know why i took that pill. I only took one. I need my doctors but they all booked so i have to wait more time to get seen. I'm tired of this crap. Sorry this so long.

  • Vonnah, you're in a really rough situation right now with the medication and plus the loneliness.No need to apologize. I agree with everything that TChere said. In addition you might want to start meditating and/or praying.Please don't kill yourself, I like talking to you online.

  • First off, just breathe. You're being weighed down by all of the fear, questions and doubt that you carry. You don't own all that baggage and you need to unpack everything that belongs to your parents and your bullies. Breathe again. You are going to be OK and you don't need to have it all figured out. The chaos of depression is easy to get lost in, but you are here wanting to get better and that is huge. You are hyper self aware (which I mentioned in my last reply to your first post) and that will always be your greatest gift and weakness. Acknowledge it and find strength from it...that's what you need to put your energy into. You are the captain of your own fate.

    I'm 33, married and happy. That doesn't mean I don't still have anxiety or go through depression cycles from childhood trauma or the bullying I went through (there was plenty of it). Bad things will always be around but with age and fight comes the ability to see more light then darkness and the power to control the switch. You're a brave soul with a lifetime of experiences waiting for you. Don't let your past ruin your future. We are all just trying to find our way to joy. You are not alone. I am here breathing with you. Practice breathing in positivity and exhaling all that doubt. Keep doing it over and over until it gives you comfort.

    Stay strong, sweet girl!

  • Thank you. I really like your advice. But what do you mean self awareness???? And you say don't let my past ruin my future? It already did. I'm nothing. I'm so screwed up. I'm scared that i think like this but nobody cares. Not my family or my friend. So where do i find the strength to find hope? No where! I REALLY DON'T HAVE MUCH TO LIVE FOR. And i will tell anyone that. I just can't see past everything. Sorry this sounds rude or dumb but i really don't even understand WHY i am STILL breathing right now. I don't get it. I wake up everyday and don't understand why. I need help. I don't want people on here to think I'm crazy cuz I'm not but i don't understand whats stopping me from ending it all. I always had thoughts like these but i never harmed or attempted to kill myself.

  • im sorry you're having difficulty with Dr's. Have you tried calling a help line in the meantime before your in person appointment? The national suicide prevention lifeline: suicidepreventionlifeline.o...

    You're in a fragile state and physically talking to someone who is trained to understand can be very helpful. This is something many people deal with and IT IS POSSIBLE TO GET BETTER.

    Please be careful with your meds, that can play a huge role in we're your thoughts go.

    When I said breathing I meant it literally. Inhale to the expand your belly and exhale to release it. Panic is a biological thing and even breathing is a part of regulating your heart. I say this not as a cure, but as a helpful way to ground yourself when you get overwhelmed.

    The self awareness comment was in regard to the way you are in touch with everything you feel and where it comes from. Not everyone has that ability and it makes you volunerable to feeling everything deeply. It can be used to create and drive you when you learn the skills to use it.

    Please don't give up hope!! Please call the hotline if your self harming/ending it all thoughts are that strong.

    I will be thinking about you all day and sending light your way.

    ♥️

  • Thank you so much. I understand now. I will call.

  • Sounds awful situation. I can see some of what has happened, or I think I can. It sounds as if you are caught between your parents old fashioned views, and your schools forward thinking expectations that girls must compete equally with boys. Add to this the bullying and you have had your head so full of what other people think about you there is no room for your own thoughts. Add in a very low self-esteem (quite natural when you have been told you will fail before you even try) and it will be very hard for you to know what you want. In a way I feel sorry for your parents to not have been able to understand the world they are living in and bringing their kids up in. I expect they are transferring their own fears onto you, which is not fair. Perhaps, in the world your Mum grew up in she would have not succeeded, or maybe your Dad has feared she might leave him, and so has perpetuated the idea that women need the protection of a man. Either way you do not have to take on their ideas without first testing them yourself. Now comes the question you yourself posed. Is this what you want, or is it just to get away from your parents? Well you will not find the answer by sitting at home. You could explore other ways. For example, how about taking a job which offers accommodation as well, such as a nanny, or hotel worker? Or you could try to find a flat share and get a job. You could get the job first and see how it goes, and move out once you find your feet. There is no rule that says you have to go straight to college. You might find an interest which you later want to study, and having gone to college now it might be hard to go back. The more you try new things the clearer the future will become. I hope you find the solution. All the best.

  • Thank you so much. You sound so wise. I agree with what you said about my parents. And thanks for the advice. Well my dad is verbally abusive and my mom never divorced him even though she knows how he treated me and herself. They are crazy. I feel so stuck but i know they love it that they got me right where they want me😢

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