How is my life worth living???????????? 😭

Dealing with crippling depression and anxiety at times, low self esteem(down to ZERO for years), negative body image, self hatred....how is my life worth living? My family has never been there for me. I have always been ALONE. No one understands me and i feel beaten down by life. I hate my life and always have so far. I wish i could be happy. I wish i knew what i want to do with my life. I want to move out so i can get away from my parents who are so neglectful towards me and verbally abusive and they were NEVER emotionally able. They pressure me about money. They haven't even taught me how to drive. Plus they sheltered me/still do. I feel like college is my only escape because i don't make enough money to get my own place and my parents constantly ask for money. I 'guess' i want to be a counseling psychologist to help people which is a therapist. But reading a post on here yesterday maybe having my own issues isn't a good idea with treating other people. So what else am i supposed to do???? I am so lost in life its crazy. I been lost since 12. Its depressing. I hope to not offend anyone but I always thought it is crazy that i never self harmed before in high school or contemplated suicide. My life never has had any purpose. Since high school i realized that i wake up everyday just to live like a zombie just going, and going, and going. I just don't know. Sometimes i do wish i could just put myself outta my own misery but i can't see myself hurting myself but who knows. Its also extremely hard going through life everyday and hating what is looking back at you in the mirror. I hate having low self esteem but its been low since i can remember. I have been called UGLY too many times to count in high school from girls and boys. I felt ugly since age 12 too so i feel like imma be like this forever. I want to love myself and my body but its impossible to me at the same time. If i go away to college i bet my depression and anxiety would only get worse. Why do i exist? My own parents seem to care more about whats in my pocket than my mental health. They treated and raised my older brothers better than me. Am i really wanted? No. Never even had a boyfriend yet and I'm 19. Pathetic. I'm such a freaking waste. I feel worthless. I will NEVER understand why i wake up everyday and just keep going and walking. How?????? I wonder what is the freaking point???? WHAT KEEPS ME GOING?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

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  • What keeps you going? Probably the feeling that your parents are wrong and that you know that you count as much as anybody else in this world. You probably have the knowledge that just about anybody can tell you what your parents haven't but you're asking a nice couple to tell you more about the facts of life through their eyes. You want to hear about what's missing in your knowledge banks from people like them. And that's a good idea!!!

    Beyond good!! An excellent idea! Why not hear these things from your favorite source? Or who you expect to hear exactly what you want said? You've heard enough negatives, now you want to compensate for them and hear the positives. Well, please do!! And if you still need a boost, come back with your needs and we'll try to help you out again!

  • Keep strong. There is a lot of free help available. Seek and you will find. This forum is one of many tools I watch this video when I need hope. good luck

  • That video is something everyone on here should watch. Thanks so much. It relaxed me and relieved some of my stress.

  • There are lots of resources for inspiration and healing. Besides motivational videos search YouTube for meditations or self hypnosis for anxiety. Lots of stuff to reach your subconscious mind. I use podcasts too. I keep my favs bookmarked. ✌️👌

  • Hi Vonnah!

    In your post I read something very exciting. That you want to be a counselor / psychologist someday. That is a such a wonderful goal and it shows how compassionate you are. It shows what a big heart you have. You are unique and special.

    Try to picture yourself years from now and you have a girl in your office who is feeling the way you are feeling today, wondering what she is worth, and you are able to say "I understand" and you help to get her through that and watch her grow up.

    There are so many teenagers who are struggling with bullying, depression and lack of support systems. I know that I did and it was a very difficult time. Just know that you are not alone and we are all here with you. ❤️

  • Thank you so much your words are beautiful and encouraging. I'm trying my best and i can't believe i survived this many years.

  • You're tougher than you think you are girlfriend!

  • What keeps you going is you!

    💪🏽💪🏽🙂

  • You are not worthless. You've acknowledged the pieces of your life that are creating the negativity in your headspace and you've articulated it all so well - you own that. Not your parents. That is something not everyone can do, especially at 19, and it's a gift. Value that self-awareness and find creative ways to use it - write, draw, podcast, etc. use your gift to find inspiration...don't waste it on grief. I know this is easier said than done, but that is literally what your 20's are for.

    Don't punish yourself for the mistakes, decisions and actions of your parents. Dont let others control your happiness and future. You deserve to feel loved and you deserve the ability to love yourself.

    Use your heart to heal yourself right now. You don't want a boyfriend when you're feeling broken. You want to be open to relationships when you've found your self worth and are ready to share it with someone. Only self love can fix.

    You're 19. You can choose the people in your life. Surround yourself with positivity. You can love your family, but you don't need to be defined by them anymore.

    Sorry this message got so long! ♥️

  • Thank you for your beautiful words. So inspirational. I appreciate it. It helps a lot. I used to write when i was younger....maybe i should try to motivate myself to start again....

  • Your post hit home for me. I've been going through similar things. Severe depression, severe anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, ADHD, and possible bi polar which I'm sure it's a yes on the bi polar. I am currently unable to work. I'm too unstable. And I feel like why is living worth it? But obviously somewhere deep down there is some sort of hope.

    I got into a residential program for anxiety/depression/ trauma, etc,. And it turned out they are scammers. So when I left, I felt doomed. I need more than a counselor once a week and med management because I am unable to function at all. All around me no IOP program will accept me due to insurance or I don't live in their area. I get how exhausting and dooming it feels. But just realize what keeps you going. And I'm sure you have more of a clear picture on that now. Because somewhere you know you could find something to get you going AGAIN and functioning normal. But it's hard time always think positive. I get it. But keep working towards your "whys".

  • If you ever want to talk, give me a message.

  • Thank you. I just wish i could not exist deep down inside😭😡

  • Train to be a therapist at uni and help others cos you know what it feels like. Get away from you family that way. Im stuck with family but my situation is completely diffetent. Seriously go off to college/uni and get away from them. You might actually start to feel better. X

  • Exactly how i've been thinking. I see it has my only way of escape....

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